Author's Note: The character of Chaos the ferret was introduced in my earlier fanfic "Chaos Theory," also posted on this site. While it is not necessary to read "Chaos Theory" first, you may want to if you would like some background and generalities on ferrets and how Iolaus first came to know the little beast.
Iolaus stifled a yawn as he checked the rabbit roasting over the fire. It had been an exciting day of hunting and exploring, but now all Iolaus wanted to do was eat, then get some sleep. He glanced over at his small, furry charge, Chaos. The dark-colored ferret was gnawing on the last of his meal: a haunch of raw meat given to him before Iolaus had put the rabbit over the fire.
It had been the ferret that had flushed the hare out of its warren and into the snare set by the human hunter. Iolaus smiled as he watched the weasel-like critter rip some more meat off the bone with his sharp teeth. Rabbit hunting was much easier with the little beast and he appreciated how much of a team they'd become in that area.
Settling himself more comfortably on the ground, Iolaus contemplated the past few days spent out here without human companionship in the wilderness outside of Corinth. Since they had traveled so close to the bustling seaport, Hercules had decided to spend some time with his brother, Iphicles, and Iphicles' wife, Rena, the current king and queen of Corinth. A son had been born into the family not long ago and the new uncle wanted to visit the nephew he hadn't seen since his birth. Iolaus had visited, too, but after a couple days, had decided to take some time to himself and allow his half-god partner to spend some quality time with his mortal relatives.
Besides, Iolaus got the distinct feeling the royal couple didn't like having Chaos so close to their baby son. Oh, nothing was said out loud, but the compact warrior got the message in the looks they gave the beast. Not that Chaos would hurt anybody unless provoked; however, having been a father for a short time himself, Iolaus did understand their apprehension. Overall, Iolaus used the several excuses given him to make himself scarce. He didn't in any way regret his decision. He'd be meeting Hercules at a tavern outside Corinth in a couple of days, so, for the time being, Iolaus was content to enjoy his time off.
Iolaus reached over and picked up his waterskin. It felt light in his hands. Time for a refill. The blond debated with himself for a long moment then, figuring the rabbit would be fine because he knew Chaos wasn't stupid enough to get close to an open flame, he got to his feet and headed for the stream on the other side of the foliage.
As he stepped into the clearing near the stream, he noticed a figure dressed in green kneeling over the clear water and filling a waterskin. Pausing, Iolaus cocked his head before addressing the dark-haired man. "Autolycus?"
Autolycus shot to his feet, whirling to face the hunter. "Iolaus?" He dramatically put a hand over his heart. "Scare a man to the Other Side, why don't you?"
"I didn't mean to scare you," Iolaus apologized. He knelt beside the flowing water and proceeded to refill his own waterskin. Glancing up from his task, he queried casually, "What brings you out here into the middle of nowhere?"
"Oh, nothing," Autolycus replied, hanging the short strap to his waterskin on a clip on his belt. He glanced around, leaning slightly to peer into the woods, then up and down the streambed.
The hunter noticed the glimpses and frowned slightly. What was the man up to now? He had a feeling it was trouble with a capital "Tau." Standing to his full height as he recapped his waterskin, he remarked sternly, "All right, who'd you rob this time?"
Autolycus quickly turned to face him. If Iolaus was expecting to see a flash of guilt pass over the thief's face, he was disappointed when a passive, albeit schooled, look was shown to him. "Rob? That's a pretty heavy accusation, even if I am the King of Thieves!" The taller man flicked his finger over his moustache, smoothing it down. "Besides, I prefer to think of it as re-appropriating goods."
Ignoring the show of bravado, Iolaus asked, "Since when do you take leisurely walks in the untamed wilds when city living is more your style?"
"Hey, even I'm entitled to a vacation!"
"Yeah, right!"
"Yeah, right!" Autolycus shot back. The thief made a show of looking around the warrior. "Where's the Big Guy, Shorty? Don't tell me he's given you free rein for a change, or has he finally put you out to pasture?"
Scowling, Iolaus stepped up to the other man. "Listen, you! I don't need--ah, forget it!" He waved his hand as if in dismissal. "You're not worth it!" He turned on a boot heel and started to stalk off. Pausing at the edge of the foliage, he looked back. Maybe he should keep an eye on the thief; maybe he could find out what was going on, because Iolaus was certain Autolycus was up to no good.
"Autolycus."
"Whatta ya want, Blondie?"
Iolaus bit back the retort he wanted to throw back at the other man. "Have you eaten? I've got a big rabbit over the fire. You're welcome to some. That is, unless you're in a hurry to get away from whatever it is you're not running from."
The other considered for a moment, then said, pointedly ignoring the hunter's last comment, "Why, thank you, Iolaus. I accept your generous offer." As he walked towards the hunter, Autolycus continued, "I know what a sacrifice this is for you. You have the appetite of a hydra with a dozen heads."
Letting the taller man proceed him back to his camp, Iolaus rolled his eyes and muttered sarcastically, "Gee, Autolycus, that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me."
"For future reference, Blondie, rabbit tastes much better if it isn't overcooked on one side," Autolycus commented, tossing the bony remains of his meal into the small fire, "but then, I guess cooking is something else Hercules does better than you."
"Next time, you can get your own," Iolaus shot back, trying hard to ignore the dark-haired thief's words. He knew Autolycus made such comments just to get him going and, Iolaus reluctantly admitted to himself, it usually worked.
"It would certainly taste better."
Iolaus picked the last of the meat off the bones of his own meal. Chewing, he remarked casually, "Ya know, Autolycus, while I was in Corinth, I heard about a jewel or some equally rich offering intended for Aphrodite's temple being stolen. It belonged to some royal personage, a queen, I think. Do you know anything about it?"
"Why, Iolaus, you wound me with your accusation! You would imply that I would go so far as to *steal* something intended for the Goddess of Love?" Autolycus' voice held a hint of reproach.
Iolaus wasn't fooled. "Why not? You stole Artemis' bow!"
"That's true," the self-proclaimed King of Thieves agreed proudly. Then he gave the blond a scathing look. "But to steal from the beautiful Aphrodite? You think I want my love life ruined for the rest of my life?"
"What love life?" Iolaus shot back. "Personally, I don't see anything to get excited about."
"Well, I would hope not because you're certainly not *my* type." Ignoring the disgusted look the blond threw at him, he continued, "Just to show you how much of a good sport I am, I won't even take insult to what you just said."
"Don't do me any favors."
"Okay, I won't. I-- By the gods, what's that?"
Iolaus automatically looked where the taller man stared. Stretching and yawning, Chaos was coming out of his carry-sack. The ferret pulled himself all the way out of the pouch, shook out his fur, then made his way over to the fire. He jumped up onto Iolaus' leg and sniffed at what was left of the human hunter's dinner.
Seeing there was a definite familiarity between Iolaus and the creature, Autolycus cracked, "I see you've finally made a friend that matches your class of people. Or should I say, your size of people?" Before the blond could comment, he added quickly, "This isn't Hercules, is it? Don't tell me somebody stole Artemis' bow again and turned him into this fuzzy thing, because I'm not going through that mess again!"
"Why?" Iolaus asked, draping the ferret lengthwise across his gauntlet and holding him under Autolycus' nose. "You think Hercules looks like a weasel?"
"Of course not!" The King of Thieves pulled his head back slightly as Chaos eyed the new human. Despite his growing trepidation at having those black, beady eyes staring at him knowingly, he cracked, "Looking like a weasel is your department."
Though he was enjoying Autolycus' discomfort, Iolaus pulled his arm back and eased the critter to the ground. "This is Chaos."
Misunderstanding the warrior's words, Autolycus soothed, "Well, I know life can seem chaotic at times, Blondie, but I'm sure you can find a way to fix things. I mean, wouldn't Artemis turn Hercules back? Doesn't she owe him one?" He watched as Chaos approached him and sniffed his pant leg. He automatically reached down to allow the ferret to sniff his fingers. "Besides, at least as this...thing, he doesn't have to be worried about being slaughtered for food and think how easy it is to carry him. Right, Big Guy?" The last sentence was directed at the beast now climbing onto his leg.
Iolaus stared at the thief as if he'd lost his mind before an expression of misbelief crossed over his handsome face. "Get a grip, Autolycus! This *isn't* Hercules! It's a ferret! A ferret *named* Chaos!"
"Oh," Autolycus replied offhandedly as he picked up the ferret then, as the words sunk into the realm of understanding, "Oh! So this isn't Hercules? The Big Guy's still one of us, though half-god, as it t'were?"
"Yes, he's still 'one of us.'" Iolaus rolled his eyes. "He's at the palace, visiting his new nephew."
Autolycus didn't appear to have heard the hunter's last sentence. He was looking Chaos over. "You said this thing is called a ferret? How very interesting! Look!" He turned the ferret around to face Iolaus. "He has a mask! Aww, isn't that cute? Just like a little thief!"
Iolaus shook his head. Sometimes there was just no understanding what was going on in the professional thief's mind. Which, Iolaus figured after a moment, was probably a good thing. Little did Autolycus know how close to the truth he came with the "little thief" remark.
"Yeah," Iolaus remarked sarcastically, "just like a little thief." When the ferret stretched out towards him, however, he smiled warmly and scratched Chaos between the shoulder blades. "Hello, trouble."
Chaos turned from the warrior and proceeded to check out Autolycus. He climbed up and over the moustached thief, sniffing the recesses in the green tunic that were created by the belt tightened about Autolycus' waist. He climbed onto Autolycus' shoulder and snuffled through his dark hair.
Autolycus gently redirected the ferret's curiosity from his ear, a movement that made Iolaus smile as he remembered doing the same when Chaos had first snuffled in *his* ear. "No, Little Guy," the thief remarked as he plucked the beast from his shoulder, "I really don't want my ear pierced, okay?"
"You've nothing to worry about, Autolycus. He won't take a chomp out of you unless you provoke him. Trust me."
"I happen to be fond of my earlobes, okay?" The taller man shot back. Suddenly, he jerked forward, then twisted to look behind him. "No way, Little Guy, that's mine!" Turning, he held Chaos in his hand. Gripped tightly in the ferret's jaws was the human thief's grappling hook.
Iolaus covered his mouth with his right hand to hold back a giggle. His blue eyes twinkled with amusement as he watched his friend try to take the instrument from the ferret. Chaos, however, had a strong jaw-lock on the grappling hook and was determined not to let go of his discovery *that* easily. Hand still over his mouth, the blond hunter snorted softly with laughter as Autolycus' face twisted with his effort to reclaim his getaway tool.
"Uh, Iolaus, when you're finished enjoying my predicament, could you be so kind as to help me out here?" the thief asked.
Clearing his throat, Iolaus dropped his hand and, trying to be serious, answered, "Yeah, sure." He shifted next to Autolycus, reached out to lightly tap the ferret on the nose and commanded, "Chaos, release!"
The critter instantly let go of the grappling hook and it dropped to the dirt.
Not the least bit phased by what had just happened, Autolycus picked up the hook and tucked it away as he commented, "How very interesting. Imagine what he could do with a little training." He held Chaos up dramatically, both hands wrapped gently about the ferret's ribs. "Why, he could sneak into places I could never dream of getting into before. We could beat the heavy security at the Delphi Museum and make me a fortune. Yes, indeed-y, we could..." He happened to glance at Iolaus, who was scowling. Without missing a beat, Autolycus offered, "Of course,
I would make sure the little beastie had all the comforts a creature could want." Seeing Iolaus' raise an eyebrow, he quickly added, "Then again, maybe not."
"I will not have you turning Chaos into a common criminal." Iolaus stated as he took the ferret away from the taller man.
"He wouldn't be a common criminal. Not hanging around with me, he wouldn't. How could you let all that natural talent go to waste?"
"Watch me." Iolaus placed Chaos gently on the ground. Almost instantly, the ferret began jumping up and down, doing his Weasel War Dance, before 'attacking' Iolaus' right gauntlet and, with a leather strip hanging from the wristguard firmly snagged in his mouth, shook his head back and forth. When the warrior gently poked Chaos in the hip, the beast swiftly whirled and attached himself to the other gauntlet.
Seeing the lightning speed the little animal possessed, Autolycus let out a long breath. "Man, am I glad you turned Discord into a chicken and not one of those! Could you imagine what damage she could have done as a giant ferret?"
"Yeah, really!" Iolaus agreed with a quick laugh. "She'd have been picking her teeth with our bones!"
Not long afterwards, Chaos stretched his full length, yawned mightily, then shuffled his way to his sack and disappeared inside, only the tip of his tail showing. Iolaus smiled slightly before turning to gaze at his friend across the fire. "Looks like a good idea. I've an extra blanket, if you want it. Unless," he added mischievously, "you've got to get away from whoever isn't chasing you."
"Ha, ha," Autolycus sniped. "Don't quit your day job, Blondie."
The hunter chuckled. He tossed a wool blanket over the campfire. "Here." Not waiting for a word of thanks, Iolaus positioned his own blanket near the campfire, banked the low blaze for the night, then lay down, turning his back to the dark-haired thief.
Autolycus raised his eyebrows in silent surprise, shrugged then settled down on the opposite side of the fire. "Good night, Iolaus."
Iolaus' "Good night, Autolycus" was punctuated with a yawn.
Soon, only the occasional pop from the campfire was all that established their position as the calls of the night creatures drowned out the humans' gentle snoring.
Iolaus awoke the next morning to find Autolycus already up and looking ready to go. "Autolycus?"
The thief whirled. "'Bout time you woke up, Blondie."
Shaking his head slightly to clear the sleep from his mind, he asked, "You're leaving? Before breakfast?"
"I already had breakfast." He gestured to the small pile of nuts and berries piled on a large leaf. "You can have the rest, you know, to thank you for last night's meal."
Iolaus sat up, eyeing the assortment of fruits and nuts with apprehension. "Thanks. Listen, why don't you stick around? I'll catch us some fish and we can have a real breakfast, not this squirrel food."
"Thanks but no thanks," Autolycus answered quickly. "I've got places to be, people to see. You know how it is."
*People to rob, posses to run away from,* Iolaus thought, but didn't say aloud. "Are you sure you're not in any trouble?"
"No," the thief replied sarcastically, "I'm not in any trouble." Then muttered under his breath, "Nothing you need concern yourself with, anyway."
Iolaus' sharp ears picked up on the remark, but he let it pass as he waved a hand in dismissal. "All right, whatever."
"See ya around, Blondie, but not too soon."
Iolaus watched the professional thief slip away into the brush then shook his head. He didn't care *what* Autolycus said, something was definitely up. The hunter shrugged. It wasn't any of his concern now; he just hoped Autolycus didn't get himself into too much trouble.
He grabbed a handful of the "squirrel food" and tossed it into his mouth. Chewing, he got to his feet, then kicked dirt over the banked coals. He'd find something to eat on the trail and make himself another fire if the "something" needed to be cooked.
Iolaus shook out the blankets, then knelt and stowed his few belongings into his pack before turning to Chaos' carry-sack. The ferret had a habit of 'borrowing' small items and hiding them in the sack. The blond upended the pouch in what had become a daily ritual. As he automatically reached down to retrieve the stolen items, he paused. Nestled amongst the dinars (more than Iolaus had had the night before), Iolaus' sharpening stone and a couple of gnawed-up rabbit bones, lay Autolycus' grappling hook and a large, honey-colored gemstone. Iolaus cocked his head as he regarded the new items to Chaos' "inventory" before he picked up the valuable jewel. He stared at it a moment, then glanced down at Chaos. If a ferret could manage to look pleased with himself, Chaos was doing a fantastic job of it as he raised himself up on his haunches, placed his front paws on Iolaus' open hand, nudged the jewel with his nose, then looked up at his human companion as if to say "See what I did? Aren't I clever?"
As realization dawned, Iolaus started to chuckle. The chuckles became all-out laughter as he figured out where the multi-faceted gem had to have come. Autolycus!! Autolycus *had* stolen the queen's offering and Chaos had stolen it from the human thief.
Iolaus allowed Chaos to claw at the jewel. He reached down and rubbed the ferret firmly between his shoulder blades. "Well," the golden hunter remarked to his low sidekick, "I guess we know who's really the best thief around, don't we?"
Tucking the stone and dinars away in his hip pouch, Iolaus stowed the grappling hook and his sharpening stone into his sack before he buckled on his sword belt, shouldered his and Chaos' carry-sacks, then swung the ferret onto his usual spot on Iolaus' left shoulder. "I'd love to see the look on Autolycus' face when he finds out he's missing a few items, then realizes his title has just been taken over!"
Chuckling as he made his way through the thick foliage, Iolaus added, "Will the real King of Thieves please stand up?"
11/15/99
Second Author's Note: Do Iolaus and Chaos manage to return the gem without getting into trouble? Don't count on it! If my Muse so inspires me, and I get enough feedback (hint, hint), look for more adventures of Iolaus and Chaos and the "Big Guy" at a website (more than likely, this one) near you!
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