Humbugs

by Ceryndip

Summary: An answer to Angie's Christmas story challenge on CT to include the following things in a story:
1. an explosion
2. cow bell
3. shoe horn
4. piano
5. model airplane
6. jar of black olives
7. jelly fish
8. sled with live pig on it.
9. Hermey the Elf
10. Christmas tree with red and greed chili pepper shaped lights
11. A train running around a tree
12. presents for everyone

Blair set the jar of black olives in the fridge beside the other leftovers and staggered to the living room obviously in pain. He collapsed onto the sofa holding his stomach.

"Oh man, I ate way too much," he glanced over at his partner, also lounging on the sofa, feet up on the coffee table. A glint caught his eye and Blair noticed that Jim had undone the button on his pants and had a hand resting lightly on his own stomach.

"You too, huh?"

"Mmmmhmmm," Jim mumbled affirmatively.

Blair sighed, "Wanna watch TV?"

"Sure," Jim didn't open his eyes, just remained exactly where he was.

Blair picked up the remote and clicked on the power. The set displayed what was obviously a children's holiday special.

Jim opened one eye, "You're kidding, right?"

"No," Blair laughed, "I used to love this one as a kid. The Abominable Snow Monster had me hiding behind the couch every year."

Jim kept his thoughts to himself as they watched in silence for several minutes.

Blair frowned and made an observation, "You know, Santa's a little short sighted for not seeing the potential in a reindeer with a light on his nose."

"I'd like this one better if the Abominable Snow Monster stepped on Hermey the Elf. He's annoying. You can start channel surfing anytime, Chief."

Click.

"An iridescent jelly fish floats serenely on the warm gulf waters as it..."

Click.

"Hawkeye and Trapper dove to the ground as the bomb exploded sending propaganda leaflets into the air..."

Click.

Clang, clang rang the cow bell as the girls in the short skirts and push up bras clogged in time to the hoe down music. Hee Haw!

Click.

"Now folks, I know this device resembles a shoe horn and as an added bonus it does perform that valuable function but for the low, low price of $19.95, you can get so much more..."

Click.

The sound of a soft piano playing easy listening Christmas music filled the loft. Blair sighed, "You know it says something about society when you have all these channels and the best thing you can find on TV is a rerun of Barry Manillow's Christmas Special on MTV." Blair shook his head, "And he's Jewish."

"Give it up, Chief. There's nothing on. I'm going to get some air," Jim hauled himself to his feet and walked out onto the balcony. Blair clicked the TV off and followed.

The two friends leaned companionably against the railing and watched the kids play with their new toys in the park below.

"Hey, isn't that the two kids from down the street?" Blair pointed to two children in red and green snow suits pulling a sled.

Jim nodded, "I think so."

Blair squinted, "What's on the sled?"

Jim tuned in his senses and took a closer look. He chuckled, "Their potbellied pig and he's not happy about it."

The breeze was brisk but invigorating and did much to alleviate their pains from over-endulging. The partners remained leaning on the rail for some time watching another neighbor teach his son to fly a remote controlled model airplane.

"Those are cool, man," Blair commented, "We could fly one of those from the balcony. You think there's enough room for take offs and landings up here?"

Jim considered the length of the balcony, "Maybe. We should each get one though, that way we could have aerial dog fights."

"Yeah," Blair agreed, "We wouldn't be fighting over who gets to play with the new toy, either." Blair shivered in the cold.

"Let's see how much they cost first. Mr. Williamson is being mighty protective of that one he gave Bobby." Jim rubbed his hands on his arms, "You about ready to go?"

"Sure. I'll get the bag of gifts."

They knew Major Crimes would be understaffed on the holiday but were surprised to find Captain Banks there on his own.

"Simon we thought you'd be home with Daryl."

"He's with his mom this year. I spent yesterday with him though. So we did the whole Christmas thing then. I gave him that huge electric train set he's been eyeballing at the hobby shop. We spent all afternoon laying track. We haven't had so much fun together in ages. It was his idea to bring his old train up here." Simon motioned to the little model train endlessly circling the tree in the middle of the bullpen at Major Crimes. "He saw our tree at the Christmas party you two missed because of the LaMonte stake out. He thought our tree was pathetic."

"Well," Jim commented critically, "I don't think the red and green chili pepper lights help it much."

"No kidding, makes me want to swear off Mexican food. So what brings the two of you in here on a holiday?"

"Oh, just playing Santa's helpers," Blair took the bag from Jim and pulled out a red Santa hat which he plopped on Jim's head. "Come on, helper, let's get this done and maybe we can get home in time to see the Abominable Snow Monster get what he deserves."

"I'll abominable you in a minute," he turned to Simon, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to live with an eternally happy elf in the house?"

"It's only difficult when you are being a humbug, Jim." Blair retorted.

Maybe I have a long standing tradition as a humbug to uphold."

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard that before," Blair threw up his arms in mock exasperation.

Jim cuffed Blair lightly in the back of the head as he took a hand full of envelopes and began laying them on the appropriate desks.

Captain Banks watched with interest, "Giving cards for Christmas this year, gentlemen?"

"No," Blair responded, "gift certificates."

"Gift certificates? For what?"

"Lots of stuff, they're available everywhere now a days. Most of them are for movie tickets and favorite restaurants, we're giving everyone a night out. Wow, Jim, look at all these presents they left for us. It's gonna be like Christmas morning all over again when we get home."

"Just make sure none of them are ticking before you put them in the bag, Sandburg. We don't know where they all came from."

"Man, you are so paranoid. It's Christmas."

"Exactly and there have been dozens of people in and out of here in the last two days."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah and they're all gunning for you."

"No, Sandburg, they're coming for you. You're always the one who gets kidnapped. Just make sure you recognize the names on the tags, ok?" Jim handed Simon an envelope.

"And where do I get to eat?"

"Huh? Oh, you don't get to eat, I mean, we didn't get yours for a restaurant."

"You mean I'm special?"

Jim smiled and bit his tongue, "It's for that place where you get those expensive, smelly cigars you smoke."

Simon opened the envelope and found that it was so, "Thank you, I can use this."

"That was the idea," Blair replied as he joined them by the tree.

"You all done spreading Christmas spirit, Santa?" Jim asked.

"Yep, all done. Christmas will be officially over by dinner time and you can go back to being a humbug again."

"When did I stop being a humbug?" Jim ignored Blair's face. "Simon? You had Christmas dinner today?"

"No, Daryl and I went out yesterday."

"Good, you can help with the leftovers. Come by the loft when you get off and we'll fix you a plate." Jim transferred the Santa hat to Blair's head and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "The happy elf here made enough food for twelve."

Blair began dragging Jim toward the exit, "I did not. Come on we've got other stops to make."

"You're telling me a fifteen pound turkey is an intimate dinner for two, Chief?"

"Oh, you are such a humbug."

"Told ya, I hadn't stopped."

"I give up, be a humbug, if that's what makes you happy."

"It's no fun if I can't aggravate you about it, Chief."

12 December 1999

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