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title: The Dread Battle
author: Owlharp
author's email: owlharp@juno.com


                        THE DREAD BATTLE


   In a tavern like many others in New Greeceland - dim, smoky and
full of suspicious-looking characters - Hercules and Iolaus were
conversing over mugs of ale. 
   "It's weird, Herc", commented Iolaus. 
   The son of Zeus took a mighty pull at his tankard and wiped his
mouth. "Yeah, I know what you mean. For the last week, neither of
us has been pursued by our usual horde of wild-eyed devotees".
   "It's quiet".
   "Too quiet".
   Just then there was an earsplitting crash as Ishtar and Astraea
burst through the doors of the tavern. Both heroes turned to look,
and then shook their heads. 
   "I knew it was too good to last" muttered Hercules. 
   Iolaus drained the last of his ale as the two Amazons descended
on them like a hailstorm.
   "Hercules! Iolaus! It's terrible! You've got to come quickly!"
   The two heroes exchanged martyred looks. 
   "What is it this time?" asked Iolaus.
   Ishtar was almost crying. "There's been a dreadful battle! It
started out as a friendly contest to see whose followers were the
most devoted - but then ...then ..." she dissolved into tears.
   Iolaus handed her a hanky and she collapsed into his arms. 
   Astraea took up the tale. "Everyone seemed to go mad! People
were even turning on their friends, like the Herkuleans against the
Xenites!" 
   Hercules' eyes narrowed. "That sounds like the work of Ares -
setting families against one another. I thought we'd broken him of
that habit, but it seems he needs a reminder!"
   Ishtar, somewhat recovered, continued. "Then the followers of
some guy from the mountains - they worship him under the title of
"Highlander" - brought in dreadful metal warriors, called "bots",
and they began to wreak havoc on all of us. And the Amazons and
Hunters and Iolausians and Sorbonnes and Smithsonians and the
Xenites, all of them, fought as hard as they could ... but
...but..."
   The heroes' faces grew grim. "Take us to the battlefield. Now!"

   In a cave at the edge of the battlefield huddled the survivors
of the dread battle. All of them bore wounds and injuries, most to
their right hands. Hercules took one look at the wounded and said
to Iolaus, "I'm going to fetch Asclepius! I'll be back in a
minute."
   A cry went up from the corner of the cave where the Iolausians
were gathered together. 
   "Iolaus!"
   He ran to them. It was a pitiful scene. Amazons, disheveled and
exhausted, were sprawled on the ground, clutching their tingling
hands and moaning. They looked up at him with tears in their eyes.
   "Iolaus, forgive us! We failed you!" wailed several of them. 
   Iolaus was about to say something comforting when a bedraggled
Owlharp stumbled into the cave. 
   "Thank the gods you're here!" she said to Iolaus, not even
stopping for a moment to leer at him. "We can't find Hebea!"
   Iolaus turned and headed for the battlefield, then stopped. "Can
you fly?" he asked Owlharp.
   "Yeah. I only lost a few feathers, that's all." 
   "Good! You're gonna help me look for her!"
   "OK, boss! Stand back!"
   In the twinkling of an eye, Owlharp morphed into her owl form
and spread her great wings - only missing a feather here and there.
With the gentlest of touches she siezed Iolaus in her talons and
leapt aloft.
   It took nearly an hour of low altitude passes over the
battlefield - now littered with the smoking remains of the bots and
mangled mouse carcasses - to find Hebea.
   Down where the wreckage was the thickest and the fighting had
clearly been the fiercest, lying across the mangled corpse of a
female troll, lay the valiant Amazon, unmoving.
   "Is she dead?" asked Owlharp nervously.
   Iolaus lifted Hebea gently in his arms. "I don't think so", he
said, "but we've got to get her back to Asclepius! Can you carry us
both?"
   "Watch me!" said Owlharp, and lifted them both into the sky.

   Back at the cave, Asclepius was tending the wounded, wrapping
wrists in ace bandages, setting tingling hands to soak in epsom
salts and prescribing a strict regimen of rest, M&Ms, and mouse
avoidance for everyone. 
   He frowned as he examined Hebea. "She is totally exhausted, and
I fear she has lost the will to live." He looked at Iolaus
solemnly. "Only you can save her!"
   Iolaus sighed. "Didn't I do this before in an FFW adventure?"
Nevertheless, he bent over and gently kissed Hebea on the lips, as
the rest of the Iolausians crowded around and writhed in jealous
agonies. 
   Hebea's eyelids fluttered and then jerked open wide as she
realized just who it was that was holding her. 
   "Oh! Oh! Iolaus! Darling! Forgive us for failing you!"
   "Failing me?" He looked puzzled.
   "We wanted to make the world acknowledge you as Number One!"
   Iolaus set her on her feet and gave the assembled horde of
Iolausians a stern glance. 
   "I want a word with all of you!"
   Meekly they followed him to the back of the cave.
   "Look -  first of all, you didn't fail! I'm in the Top Ten! Thank you! 
Secondly - I don't want you to go to war for my glory! Look at what
happened! Was it worth it?" 
   The question rang out in the sudden silence. Abashed, Iolausians
studied the ground and dug their toes in the dirt. 
  "You had friends at war with friends! That's NOT what this is
about, is it?"
   His voice softened a little. "Look - the important thing is that
I have YOU! All of you! And I don't want to lose any of you! Do you
understand?" 
   In very small voices, the Iolausians answered, "Yes".
   Iolaus drew his sword. "If anyone pulls a stunt like this again,
they're going to get the flat of this across their backside!"
   In the silence Robinsnest's voice was clear. "Me first!"
   "Then me!" howled Hebea.
   "I'm next!" screamed Owlharp.
   "No, me!" yelled Nanaea.
   "Me!"
   "No, me!" came the babble of excited voices.
   Iolaus sheathed the sword and grinned contentedly, happy that
the Iolausians were back to their normal selves again. 


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