Hercules decided that he'd never seen Iolaus quite as nervous as he had been on the road from Scyros. As soon as they had gotten out of sight of Princess Dirce, Iolaus' mood had changed abruptly. Gone was his cheerful cockiness and in its place was an almost manic desire to get out of Meneleus' kingdom. He set a pace that Hercules himself was hard pressed to follow and looked back so often that Hercules finally pointed out that if he didn't watch where he was going, he was bound to walk into a tree.
"I'll take that chance!" Iolaus shot back, checking the road behind them.
"What's with you?"
"Look, Herc, Dirce's nice, but I don't trust Meneleus. It'd be just like him to have a change of heart, or discover a new clause in his kingdom's law and send soldiers after me to finish what the Erebus test didn't!"
"I think you're over-reacting!"
"And I think you're slowing down. Let's move it!" And so it went, until they finally crossed the shallow river that marked the border between Scyros and Thessaly.
Beyond the river, the road ran through the center of a broad, treeless plain of short grass, brown now from the summer sun, sloping gently upwards towards the mountains of Thessaly. A cool breeze made a pleasant rustling in the grass.
Iolaus breathed a sigh of relief. "OK - NOW we can slow down a bit!"
"You look beat. You want to rest?"
"Nah. If I don't keep moving, I'll stiffen up. It's been a rough couple of days!"
Their speed dwindled to a more comfortable pace, and Hercules was able to fill his companion in on how he had tracked down Autolycus and brought him to justice - at least briefly.
Iolaus finally spoke up. "Hey Herc! When you were in that treasure chamber, I don't suppose you grabbed a couple of gold pieces or anything?'
"Uh - no. I was kind of busy fighting the giant snake at the time".
Iolaus gave a heartfelt sigh. "It would have come in handy".
"Hey, Autolycus is the thief, not me!"
"It wouldn't have been stealing. Call it a 'security fee'!"
"You're usually not so mercenary."
"Yeah, but the Trampled Grape Inn is a few miles up the road".
"So?"
"So Madame Floria works there, and right now I need her in the worst way!"
Here Hercules was heard to mutter something about "not financing your sex life".
"You know, for a pillar of virtue, you've got a very dirty mind! Madame Floria is seventy years old, has a face like a guinea hen, and gives the best massages on the face of the earth. Even Aphrodite comes to her!"
"Oh."
Iolaus rolled his shoulders and gave a grunt of discomfort. "Like I said - I need her. I'm getting too old to wrestle boars! It hurts. Problem is, she charges high for those massages - that's why I asked about the gold pieces".
Hercules looked a little ashamed. "Sorry, buddy. If I'd known -"
"S'okay. Don't worry about it. I'll just work the kinks out myself... " As they walked, he began turning his head as far as he could to one side and then the other, but stopped suddenly, "DAMMIT!"
"Hurts, huh?"
"No. Look."
Hercules took one look back down the road and froze. "Horses. A lot of them. Coming fast".
Iolaus was grim. "From Scyros. I knew it. I just knew it!"
"Let's not panic".
"Why not?"
"It may have nothing to do with you".
"Wanna bet?"
As they talked, each scanned the terrain around for available cover and each came to the same conclusion - there was none.
The sound of pounding hooves grew louder and louder. A cloud of dust obscured most of the riders, but the two men could see the sunlight glinting off helmets and spears.
Iolaus squinted through the dust. "Those are Menelaus' guards. By now I oughta know them! Half a dozen - maybe eight", he commented. "I don't know if I should be relieved or insulted!"
"You're so sure this is going to be a fight?" demanded Hercules.
Shouts of "There he is!" and "We've got him!" began to be audible from the approaching riders.
"You think it won't be?"
With an earthquake of hoofbeats the soldiers overtook them, some actually passing them and turning back on the road, as if to cut off their further progress.
Automatically and without a word, the two friends had swiftly turned back to back and were sizing up the opposition, when the leader of the troop doffed his red-crested helmet and demanded "Iolaus of Thebes?"
Iolaus snorted. "You know who I am. You fished me out of the pond yesterday yourself!"
"King Menelaus ordered us to find you. There is some unfinished business regarding the Erebus Test".
"See Herc! I told you he was going to change his mind!"
"When Princess Dirce consulted the scroll, she neglected to unroll the final paragraph - something that was not discovered until after your departure. So King Menelaus ordered us to track you down - "
Iolaus broke in indignantly. "And tie up the loose end, right?"
The troop leader frowned. "We have an obligation to observe our traditions!"
Iolaus had had enough. His back and shoulders were killing him, his throat was raw from coughing up several gallons of scummy pondwater the day before, he smelled like pig poop from his encounter with the boar, he was tired, hungry, hot and pissed as hell. With a voice that could have shaken Mount Olympus he suddenly bellowed "BUGGER YOUR TRADITIONS!!!!!"
The troopleader's horse actually shied away as Iolaus strode towards him. "I have had ENOUGH of your stupid traditions! Your traditions let me be falsely accused, falsely imprisoned and damn near decapitated! And now you're coming after me to finish me off, because Menelaus - ONCE AGAIN! - is going back on his word, just like he did after the Erebus test! Well if you think you're going to take me back, you're flat-out nuts, because I'm not going! And if you think you'll just execute me on the spot, come and try it! And Herc, you just STAY out of it - I am gonna handle these clowns myself - "
"Sir!" shouted the troop leader, but Iolaus was having none of it. His sword flashed out.
" - and it doesn't matter if you guys come at me one at a time -"
"Sir! Please!"
" - or all eight of you at once -"
"Sir!!!"
" - because I AM MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY LONGER!!!!!"
"SIR!!!!!"
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
For a heartbeat the mounted man and the man on foot stood, gazes locked, bloody murder in both their faces.
Hercules watched dumbstruck, not sure exactly who he should be protecting, under the circumstances.
Then the troop leader sighed loudly and motioned his men to back away. Iolaus let the point of his sword drop, just slightly.
The soldier untied something from his belt and dropped it at Iolaus' feet. It was a small brown bag that made a faint jingle as it hit the ground.
Iolaus didn't move a muscle. "What's that?" he demanded.
"The final paragraph of the scroll, sir."
"Huh?"
"The section Princess Dirce missed. It said that if one takes the Erebus Test and is proven innocent, then they are to receive twoscore gold pieces from the Royal Treasury. That's why King Menelaus sent us after you."
Iolaus just stood there, staring.
After waiting a moment for an answer and getting none, the troop leader saluted. "So. We've completed our mission. Have a nice journey, gentlemen. Troop - wheel left and head for home!"
With another storm of hooves and dust - and just possibly a few muffled snickers - the soldiers turned their horses as one and trotted back down the road towards the river.
Iolaus just kept standing there, saying nothing.
Finally Hercules could bear it no longer. A choked gasp of laughter broke out from him.
Iolaus whirled around. "Don't say it!"
"Say what?"
"Whatever you were thinking about saying!"
"... Oh... OK ...." Another snort burst forth.
"Oh hell - go ahead! Laugh!"
Hercules obliged. He laughed until the sound echoed off the distant mountains. Dust rose in new clouds as he fell to the ground and rolled helplessly, tears streaming down his face.
In the meantime, Iolaus was elaborately ignoring his comrade and counting carefully "..Thirty ... thirty one... thirty two ... You know, you can stop any time now! ... thirty three ... thirty four ... thirty five ... do you realize you just rolled in a pile of horse poop? ... thirty six ...thirty seven ... thirty eight ... thirty nine ... forty! Are you FINISHED??!!!"
Still snickering, Hercules finally staggered to his feet. Iolaus stood back, arms folded protectively over the money bag, and regarded him.
" 'S a damn good thing they gave me twoscore gold pieces. That'll get hot baths and an hour with Madame Floria for each of us. Not to mention, roast venison, new bread and old wine! After all, we've got a lot of toasts to drink!"
"We do?"
"Yeah! For starters, to Dirce. And to Fortune. And to - well, I'll think of a few more by then! It's traditional! And like they said in Scyros - we have an obligation to observe traditions!"
FINIS
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