The ache in his jaw was starting to worsen and each contusion on his head was beating with a vengeance, reminiscent of the primal beat of hammer on anvil. Every time he had a run-in with Ares it was the price he paid. No mortal could inflict this type of punishment on the demigod. Only an Olympian could make him feel the full extent of the liabilities associated with his mortal half.
'What's taking Iolaus so long with that draught for pain?' Hercules moaned to himself. 'I'll just bet he's taking his sweet time, grabbing something to eat, talking with a pretty barmaid and not even thinking about me -- and I'm in pain here!!!'
Two minutes later the sound of a slightly off-key, tenor rendition of a bawdy tavern song announced the arrival of the hunter. As Iolaus approached the door of their room at the Holodais Inn he could hear the loud grumbling emanating from inside.
Preparing himself for a verbal sparring match, the hunter burst through the door, his visage as bright and sunny as his disposition. Iolaus couldn't squelch a giggle when he was presented with the pitiful sight of the mighty Hercules holding his head in both hands and moaning non-stop... "make the pain go away. Make it stop, Iolaus! What took you so long? How could you leave me here in such pain?"
"Herc, calm down buddy. I've only been gone ten minutes. I found the healer's house at the end of the street and I hurried right back."
"Iolaus, it wasn't ten minutes. It must have been at least fifteen or twenty!"
"Whoa, Herc. You're a worse patient than I am...and that's not easy to be," Iolaus retorted with another lilting giggle in his voice.
"And would you cut out all that giggling at my expense, Iolaus. This is not funny! And besides, this is all your fault anyway."
"What?"
"What, what? You heard me."
"I just knew you'd find some convoluted way to blame me for this. What? Do I have a sign on my back that says 'the blame stops here'?"
"Well Iolaus, like they say, if the sandal fits, wear it."
"Okay, come on Herc; tell me how you arrived at the conclusion that I'm to blame for all of this while I patch you up."
Iolaus went to the fireplace to retrieve some water that he had left there to heat before he ran to the healer's. He grabbed the clean linen cloths that the cute barmaid had given them when they came to the inn. Iolaus was surprised that she could find the cloths with all the stars she had in her eyes from the minute she laid eyes on the demigod. Even in his present beat up condition the women were still falling in love at first sight with the handsome demigod. 'It's no wonder he never learned the fine art of flirting' thought the hunter. 'He's never even had to try.' And that thought caused another giggle to erupt from Iolaus which, in turn, caused another growl to erupt from the demigod.
Iolaus made a tea for the pain and gave it to Herc to drink then he gently started to clean the numerous bumps, bruises, cuts and contusions on the demigod's body. To distract the demigod from dwelling on his injuries he said, "start talking Herc, how is this all my fault?"
"Okay Iolaus, you asked for it. When did our latest adventure start?"
"We were hunting for dinner and boy was I really hungry."
"Exactly! WE were hunting for dinner. Remember that. It's important. Then what happened?"
"You pointed to the sky and yelled at me to shoot the duck -- which I did very expertly and with great speed. I'm still the finest archer in all of Greece, Herc."
"Yes, you're a good shot. You bagged it all right."
"That's 'great shot' Herc...not just 'good shot'. You wouldn't have been able to react that fast. We ate delicious duck thanks to my great hunter's reflexes."
"And my good cooking, don't forget that part buddy."
"Yeah Herc, so keep going..."
"So we got caught red-handed!"
"Well, you're the one who offered them a bite of the evidence. If you only ate as much as I do there wouldn't have been any leftovers and there wouldn't have been anything to accuse us of."
"Poaching Iolaus...I was arrested for poaching on the king's private preserve."
"WE were arrested Herc and if you'd kept your mouth shut until we got to talk to the king they'd never have found out that you're Hercules."
"We've never been in Thessaly before. How was I to know someone had it out for me?"
"Doesn't being a demigod account for anything these days?"
"Ouch! Take it easy buddy, that hurts."
"Sorry big guy, continue with the blame game."
"So they take us to that prison and they bring us to the warden instead of the king."
"And I suppose it's my fault that the warden just so happens to be Darphus' cousin?"
"No Iolaus, that's not the part that's your fault. Ehew...ahhhhh! Yeah Iolaus, do that again it really hurts there and that feels so good."
"Okay Herc, is that better?"
"Yeah, now where was I? Oh, the warden...Darphus' cousin...you know Iolaus, he had no intention of telling the king we were in that prison."
"Really Herc. No kidding? So now you get to the part where it's my fault that the King of Thessaly has a special part of the jail that was built by Hephestus."
"No Iolaus, that part is not your fault either. Heph built those jail cells over a hundred years ago to keep the Giants of Thessaly trapped until they died and then he must not have destroyed them after the giants died. They put us in those cells on purpose because they knew I couldn't break out of something constructed by one of the gods. They were going to hold us there until Darphus' cousin could contact Ares and let him know of our predicament."
"Oh, so that's how it's my fault. Heph is the god of the forge and I HAVE a forge...now I see the connection."
"Don't be a wise guy and...Hey, wait a minute...what's that in your hand?"
"What hand Herc?"
"Come on Iolaus, we're not playing party games here. I saw something in your hand now show me what it is."
"Caught red handed, so to speak," said the hunter.
"Oh gods! Iolaus that's a leech. Get it out of here right now. Keep it away from me."
"What's the matter Herc. Big old demigod afraid of a little old leech? Come on Herc, the healer said it would be the perfect solution for that swelling in your shoulder joint...you'll get the movement back almost immediately if you use this lucky leech here. And besides, the use of leeches is an old hunter's trick to take care of certain injuries and swelling so it's got to be good, right? Come on big guy. When this leech goes back to the pond all full of demigod blood he'll have all the lady leeches falling all over him. Come on Herc, give the leech a chance with the ladies."
The demigod cracked the first small smile and Iolaus knew he was starting to get through.
"Okay Iolaus, but I just don't want to look at it."
Iolaus approached the demigod and gently placed his left hand on the right side of Herc's face shielding the demigod's eyes from seeing when he placed the leech on his partner's right shoulder.
Making eye contact he directed the demigod's attention directly to his face and away from the small creature that was feeding on his shoulder.
"Well, let's see...you still haven't gotten to the good part Herc...you know, the part that's my fault."
"Right, so of course the only way we could have gotten out of there was with the help of a god."
"So Herc, tell me...just how does 'I know, Iolaus I'll call Ares and goad him into a fight that will knock down the bars and walls" translate into 'it's Iolaus' fault?' And could you please explain...if you needed the help of a god... why you didn't call on Aphrodite? At least she likes us."
"That's right Iolaus, and I like her, in a funny sort of way and I'd rather not see her get caught in Ares path. And since Darphus' cousin was going to bring Ares anyway I just beat him to it and called first before they could have enough time to formulate any plans for us."
"Oh, I see, you goaded the big, bad god of war into a fight in the prison on purpose. This way the two of you could do enough damage to the bars and walls during your battle that it would allow us to walk right out of there. And in the process you get torn up by Ares so much that it hurts me to look at you." Iolaus' let his face sober quickly so the demigod would understand that he wasn't joking about this point.
Elements of both sarcasm and hurt mingled in the hunter's voice as he continued. "I'll have to remember this for the next time we get thrown in prison -- Hercules' Famous Get Out Of Jail Quick Method. Three easy to remember steps: One...Call Ares. Two...Goad him into knocking down the walls. Three...Pray you don't get killed in the process."
Hercules could also read the silent admonition in the hunter's eyes as he spoke, understood where it was coming from and acknowledged his partner's concern over the risk he had taken. Certain emotionally charged issues, like this risk-taking, were better dealt with in silent communications between the two of them. Iolaus held eye contact long enough until he could clearly read the apology offered in the demigod's steady gaze.
The leech finished it's job and Iolaus removed it quickly from the demigod's shoulder putting it back carefully into the clay jar the healer had given him.
"You're not looking very pretty yourself tonight, Iolaus."
"You knocked me out Herc!" exclaimed the hunter as he gingerly fingered his bruised and swollen chin. "And it's starting to hurt, by the way, now that I'm not so worried about you. I could sure use some of that tea I brought you for pain. So is your shoulder better, Herc?"
"Yeah, it's better...come here and let me take a look at your jaw."
"Next time you feel the need to knock me out for my own protection could you do it with a little less force behind it?"
"Sorry Iolaus, maybe we could practice sometime just to see how much force is enough."
"Ha, ha...funny...the demigod thinks he's a comedian."
"You'll be just fine Iolaus. Here, let me get you that tea."
"Well Herc, you still haven't answered my question. How is this whole thing my fault?"
"Remember what I told you in the beginning of this conversation about the hunting?"
"Yeah...we were hunting. So what's the point."
"The point is, Iolaus, that if you hadn't been so busy with your head down in the bushes hunting for damn rabbits you would have seen the duck a lot sooner than I did and when you bagged it, it would still have been flying over the public grounds instead of over the King of Thessaly's private preserve and we would never have been arrested for poaching. Therefore, it's all your fault."
Iolaus took one look at the demigod's straight face and burst out laughing. He guffawed until tears rolled down his cheeks and his face was as red as a pomegranate.
Hercules gave a small smile not fully understanding why his partner was doubled over in gales of loud laughter.
"What...was it something I said?...Iolaus, what's so funny?"
Gasping for breath between great peals the hunter said, "You were serious, Herc?...Oh, gods...you were serious about the bunnies versus the duckies!"
Hercules would never have believed it if he didn't see it with his own eyes but his partner laughed even harder than before...so hard, in fact that he fell off the end of the bed and found himself rolling on the floor.
From the time they were kids, the demigod could never resist the contagious sound of his best friend's mirth. This time was no different. Before he knew it Hercules found himself in the same predicament as Iolaus and they couldn't stop laughing.
Meanwhile, downstairs in the great room of the inn, the cute barmaid turned to the proprietor of the inn saying, "I guess those two don't know that they could get arrested in Holodais for disturbing the peace like that so late at night. Do you think that I should just go up there and tell them?"
"No my dear, let the heroes have their fun. Besides who in the world would be foolish enough to try and throw the son of Zeus in jail? Things like that only happen when you have idiots in charge."
The end.
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