"Hercules!"
"Earth to Hercules! You're brooding," declared the demigod's blond companion.
"I am not brooding. I'm just not feeling very talkative tonight," the demigod stated flatly with an apologetic, crooked half-smile and a small shrug of his shoulders. Proud shoulders that were normally broad and straight hung sloped and dejected this evening as he stood at the bar in the local tavern with his best friend.
"I know brooding when I see it Hercules, and this is brooding," egged on the smaller man. "And to add to it, you've been here three days in a row. You don't even come here three days in a month much less in the same week. There's no laughter in you, no life. Talk to me pal...what's the matter?" he added bringing a warm hand to rest above the demigod's gauntlet and a look of concern to his expressive blue eyes.
"Nothing's the matter with me. What's the matter with you? I'm sure Anya doesn't just let you come here every night?"
"I'm not afraid to admit when I have a problem, Herc. It's Anya's older sister Lillia. She's come for a visit and you know she doesn't exactly approve of me," admitted the hunter with a telling roll of his expressive blue eyes. Iolaus took a deep breath and continued. "Well, in the interest of peace, Anya and I have it worked out so that Lillia thinks I work a second job doing hunting and fishing for the merchants in the area. After the forge, I go home to eat dinner then I come here and spend a pleasant evening over a tankard of ale, chatting and playing darts. Then all I have to do is show up at home late with a couple of rabbits or a string of fish and Anya's sister thinks I'm wonderful. I say a quick 'hello,' mention about how tired I am, head straight for bed and...voila, problem solved. There now, I've told you mine. What's yours Hercules?"
"It's nothing. Well nothing I can put my finger on exactly," the demigod added quickly. He knew he was lousy at keeping anything from his closest friend so he might just as well come clean with his little 'problem'.
"Okay Herc, maybe it would help if you just start talking and we'll let the conversation take us wherever it leads us," Iolaus offered in his most reassuring tone of voice knowing how difficult 'these kinds' of conversations were for his best friend.
Hercules ordered two tankards of ale. Handing one to Iolaus, he motioned for his friend to join him at a table in the corner of the tavern where they could have a little privacy.
When they were settled the demigod began. "You know that Deineira is almost eight months pregnant."
"Oh. Oh, you're right! I'd better finish that cradle I'm building for my nephew. It's got extra strong bars and reinforcement on the joints, just in case he inherits his Dad's strength," boasted the hunter.
"Yeah, uh...thanks. Now can we get back to my problem, buddy? I have a feeling this is going to take a while," said the demigod with a tired expression that brought Iolaus back into focus on his friend's situation.
"Sorry for going off track Herc. Is Deineira okay?"
"Yes...no...I mean, she's healthy and the baby's moving around and there's no more morning sickness..." Hercules began.
"Oh yeah, the morning sickness. Ewwwwhhhhhh! That's tough stuff," sympathized the hunter with a few shakes of his head.
Hercules looked at his friend and felt a small tug at his heart. He contemplated whether or not Iolaus was going to be much help to him advice-wise. After all, he and Anya hadn't been lucky enough to have a pregnancy that lasted more than a month or two. True, Iolaus was well acquainted with morning sickness, but not the rest of it. He felt a twinge of guilt at the thought that this might be a painful topic for his best friend. Still, his partner had the best listening ear in all of Greece. Iolaus had been his sounding board since the early days before the Academy and, given the chance to talk things through, Hercules felt certain he could come up with his own solution to this dilemma.
"Yeah, it was rough but Deineira got through it with good humor. She even deals well with the tiredness, the swelling ankles and the soreness on top, if you know what I mean," the demigod added as he cupped his hands and motioned with them towards his own chest. "Oh, and the baby kicking her in the middle of the night. Although I think that's my favorite part of this whole pregnancy thing. It makes it all real somehow knowing that's a living piece of the both of us in there. The first couple of times it was exciting for her too... but now she says it just wakes her up and she can't go back to sleep and then her back hurts her."
"Gee, that's tough Herc, but nothing a little backrub wouldn't help," offered the hunter. "I still don't see a problem that would make you run to the tavern every night, buddy."
"I'm getting there, Iolaus. The thing is...you see...it's that Deineira is having trouble with her, um...uh...rotundity," said Hercules as he fished around for the most harmless yet descriptive word he could come up with to convey the gist of the problem to his partner.
"Rotundity? I don't get it Herc," said the puzzled blond.
"Rotundity...you know..." the demigod trailed off as he laced his fingers together and ran them up and down in front of him as if he were petting a pot belly.
"Oh...that rotundity," exclaimed the now enlightened hunter, nodding sagely yet still without a clue as to why this would pose a problem for his best friend. "Um, Herc...if I might just state something obvious here...Deineira is pregnant. I still don't see a problem. I mean, that's the one inevitable aspect of pregnancy. It's supposed to happen if she's going to be a mother."
"That's just it Iolaus. That's what I told her." Hercules went on excitedly now that he thought he'd found solidarity with his friend regarding his point of view. "She's been getting all upset and moody over it. I tried to make her feel better. I told her that all the other women in the world go through exactly the same thing in order to experience motherhood...that she couldn't escape getting fat like everyone else..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...back up buddy. You didn't! Tell me you didn't say that to Deineira," groaned the now totally exasperated hunter.
"Say what, Iolaus? What did I say? That it's inevitable, that every other woman goes through it? What?"
"No Hercules," said the now slightly irritated blond who couldn't believe he had to explain this faux pas to his clueless friend. "You used the "F" word...to Deineira. How could you. Didn't your mother teach you anything about women? Heck, never mind your mother...haven't you listened to anything I've tried to impart to you about women over the years?"
"What are you talking about, Iolaus? What "F" word?" demanded the demigod who was beginning to get annoyed at his friend.
"Fat, Herc...you called Deineira fat!" the hunter growled.
"I most definitely did not call Deineira fat. I know what I said!" Hercules growled back defensively.
"You know what you said...and I know what you said buddy," soothed the hunter who was secretly becoming amused by the path this conversation was taking. "However, what Deineira heard was something entirely different. What she heard was YOU calling her fat, fat, FAT..." and he emphasized each word by poking his larger friend in the stomach with one small callused finger.
Herc rested his elbows on the table and hung his face forward to rest in his open palms, allowing his hair to cascade downward to join in covering the guilt on his countenance. He felt guilty that he may have unintentionally caused his dear wife some emotional pain. He felt guilty that he was sitting in the tavern for the third night in a row where it took his best friend to point his mistakes out to him. He felt guilty for not having stayed home and talked it out with Deineira. He looked up at his partner; eyes shining with the light of epiphany. "That's why she's been fighting with me and crying and kicking me out. I just thought it was a mood swing thing..."
"Lucky for you pal, I know just how to get you out of the pile of manure you've dug yourself into," said the hunter with a benevolent smile. "Come with me and I'll show you how to get back into Deineira's good graces in no time flat."
"Uh, Iolaus...I don't think..." started the doubtful demigod.
"That's right Herc...you don't think. You just say what's on your mind. You're all black and white. Women, on the other hand, are all the shades of the rainbow and they deserve someone who does think. Especially Deineira for having to put up with the likes of you for a husband," advised the energetic blond as he urged his friend up from the table and out the tavern's door.
"Iolaus, where are you taking me?" inquired the demigod as if he were almost afraid of the answer.
"We're going to my forge buddy," answered his partner.
"Your forge? But why?" questioned the demigod.
"You'll see pal. Trust me," said the smiling hunter.
"Oh, great," muttered the exasperated demigod under his breath as he followed his friend into the cool night air.
Less than fifteen minutes later Hercules found himself sitting on a workbench in Iolaus' forge with ten pounds of chains wrapped and firmly secured around each of his ankles. A one hundred pound sack of small metal fasteners was in the process of being tied around his mid-section.
"This just needs one more rope to hold it in place, hmmmmmm let's see," said Iolaus as he scanned the walls and benches in his forge for the item he needed.
"Just use my belt and let's get this over with. I'm running low on patience and this is very uncomfortable, buddy," advised the demigod.
"Okay Herc, but your belt isn't big enough any more. You're too 'rotund,' and if you're feeling uncomfortable the lessons are starting to work already," he replied with a snicker. "It looks like I'll have to connect one of my belts to yours so it reaches all the way around your new fake belly," replied the busy blond as he went about completing this task.
"Now can you explain why you're doing this to me Iolaus?" asked the demigod in his most indulgent tone.
"It's like this Herc. First you're going to get a quick lesson in some of the difficulties of impending motherhood. This way we can get you good and empathetic for what Deineira's feeling. You can see the problems first hand and maybe have a better understanding of the ways you can anticipate her needs as the baby keeps growing inside. After you've got the physical part of this rotundity business down I'm gonna teach you some Old Hunter's Tricks to deal with the rest of it."
"Hunter's tricks!" exclaimed the incredulous demigod. "Don't be ridiculous, Iolaus...what do hunter's tricks have to do with someone being pregnant?"
"Listen Herc. Have I ever steered you wrong?" queried his partner.
"Well, now that you mention it..." Hercules trailed off as several instances came immediately to mind.
"On purpose, pal. I meant on purpose," said the blond defensively.
"No...no, never on purpose," stated the demigod.
"Good. Now trust me buddy. Because deep down inside you know that I've always given you good, solid advice. You can always trust me to see you through hard times. There," he continued with a good tug at the belts around Herc's supplemented waist to test their strength. "That ought to do it. Move your legs. How do they feel? Stiff and heavy? Good! Now try to bend over and tie your bootstrap."
"Ooof," grunted the demigod as he tried several angles to get at the bootstrap and not being successful at any of them.
"There you go buddy! See how difficult a task as simple as tying your boots can be with all that extra baggage. Now, stand up! Oh, wait just one second" the small blond added for good measure as he grabbed the demigod on either side of his chest, giving him a good nipple twisting.
"OUCH!" cried out the offended demigod. "What'd you do that for?!?!"
"Feeling sore Herc? Good! That should just about do it. Now you can stand up."
Hercules struggled to his feet by grabbing onto the work tables on either side of him and levying himself up off the bench.
"Okay. Now walk around a bit, get a feel for the extra weight then try to bend over and pick up that bucket in the corner," Iolaus instructed the wobbly demigod.
Hercules took a few steps and stopped. He couldn't see the floor in front of him and he was afraid of tripping on something in his path. Then he discovered his back felt so uncomfortable with this unfamiliar weight. The only way to get a modicum of relief from the discomfort was to press his hands into the small of his back and walk around like that.
Just when he thought he'd gotten the hang of walking with the heavy sack that was throwing his center of balance off, Iolaus called to him.
"Over here Herc!"
"Huh, where?" questioned the demigod as he tried to turn around with his usual lightening quick reflexes. This fast motion carried him further than he was used to and the demigod automatically overcompensated for his lack of balance. Momentum again carried the demigod forward much faster than expected by either of the men and he found himself unable to stop. He ran smack into the wall. His partner, who had tried to stop the demigod's progress by stepping in between his friend and the wall, was pinned to the wall, the braid of Hercules vest crushing and rubbing up against his face and head.
"Get off Hercules! I can't breathe," squeaked the blond as he struggled for air.
When the demigod gathered his wits he pushed off of the wall and assessed any damage he may have inadvertently done to his best friend.
"Okay," declared Iolaus when he regained his composure. "That part of the lesson is over. You can take those things off now and we'll get on with the other stuff."
"Uh...um...Iolaus? I don't know what you did with this one. I can't seem to reach the bottom belt buckle. Help me out here?" asked the demigod as he fiddled with the belts.
Iolaus who had been removing the chains from around the demigod's ankles, sat back on the workbench and beckoned Hercules to come a little closer so he could get at the buckle. Hercules started to tip over again, knocking Iolaus quite hard on the head with the faux belly before he braced himself on the work table next to the bench.
As he straightened himself up, the demigod heard, "ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! Stop Herc. Stand still! My hair is caught in the belt buckle. If you move you're gonna snatch me bald!"
The demigod froze in position, giving his partner time to disengage himself from the offending buckle. Allowing the ridiculousness of the whole scene to sink into his brain, the demigod started chuckling in amusement.
"Just remember Iolaus, this was your idea and if you ever tell anyone...I mean ANYONE about this EVER, I'll..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still a very good idea though. Tell me you didn't learn anything from it so far," the indignant hunter replied with his best 'I double dare you' look.
"I never thought I'd admit it but I have learned something from this. I never realized how difficult and tiring simple tasks must seem to Deineira now. I've got to apologize..."
"No, no, no, no, no! You need to learn another lesson, Herc. Never apologize for just being a guy, although a rather clueless guy. At least not out loud. Show her by your actions that you've come to a new understanding. There's no need for words," advised the blond.
"Wow, Iolaus. That's pretty profound coming from you. It must be the wisdom that comes with age. And since you're so much older than me..."
"Ha ha, pal. You won't be laughing when my advice works charms with your wife. You'll be too busy being amazed," bragged his grinning partner. "Now sit here with me by the fire and I'll tell you the part about the hunter's tricks."
When the two men were settled near the warm comfort of the hearth Iolaus began the second part of the night's lesson.
"You know I spent a lot of time when I was a kid with my old uncle Flatus, the hunter," Iolaus stated.
"Yeah, I remember. After your visits to him you always came back to Thebes all charged up about hunting and full of great stories about your cousins," reminisced the demigod.
"Well, with my dad away all the time, my mother wanted my uncle to explain the birds and the bees to me. My uncle broached the subject with me when I arrived at his house and soon discovered I was way past the stage where I needed instructions on that topic so he took me out hunting and gave me that talk about "The Consequences Of Your Actions"...you know, the responsibilities of parenting and how to have a happy marriage."
"Oh, I never got that talk...but then Zeus never was one to think about the consequences of his actions," replied the demigod quietly.
"Yeah, I guess not," sympathized his partner before picking up the conversation again. "My uncle and his wife had 14 kids but the two of them behaved like they were kids in love themselves despite their age. They were so playful and demonstrative with each other. After living in my home...it was like a revelation that there were other ways for a mother and father to raise a family, with harmony and love and thoughtful actions."
"On that hunting trip, Uncle Flatus taught me some 'tricks' to have a happy marriage and one of the most important lessons was how to keep a woman happy during a pregnancy. My uncle seemed to believe that if you keep your wife happy while she's with child, it made for the birth of a happy, sweet-tempered babe."
Hercules thought back to the happy calm that came over his friend in their childhood as a result of these trips to his uncle's home. He thought about the air of humor and amusement and brotherhood that remained around his friend for weeks afterward and he thought that something powerful enough to have that effect on the troubled youth who was his friend must carry with it some strong magic. "Okay Iolaus, tell me some of these old hunters tricks...that is...unless they have something to do with yak fat or rolling in the mud."
Iolaus gave his friend a shining grin and assured him that there wasn't any yak fat or mud involved in any of the pieces of sage advice he was about to impart.
"It's all quite simple, Hercules. I just gave you a small taste of what it's like for a woman to be with child. It's tiring for the most part. So, if you see that Deineira is tired, let the fields go for one day. It won't hurt to ignore the growing green things for one or even two days. Then let her sit and you do her chores that day instead. Milk the animals...do the laundry...help her clean. Insist that she sleep for several hours in the afternoon and you cook the dinner for her. Set the table and put lots of candles around the place then bring in some flowers or sweet herbs...something to make the house smell nice. Take her for a romantic walk after dinner then treat her to a warm bath...hold her while she bathes, rub her tummy. Talk to the baby and tell the child what a wonderful and beautiful mother it has. Tell her how beautiful you think she is today and forever. All you have to do after that is let nature take it's course."
"That's it?" questioned the pensive demigod.
"That's it," asserted his best friend with a pat on the back.
"Now I know that's a lot of words of advice from someone who hasn't gotten to use them yet. But trust me. It will work. Now go...I don't expect to see you here in town for a while," added Iolaus as he chased his best friend out of the forge.
As Hercules made the short journey to his home, he thought over all the things he had learned from his best friend this evening. He still had some niggling doubts. But Iolaus was convinced of the rightness of this path and Hercules had to admit his friend was possibly right about these 'tricks' from the old hunter.
He resolved to put this new knowledge to use the very next day. As he turned from the road onto his land he thought, 'boy, is Deineira going to be surprised.'
The next evening Iolaus walked into the tavern, hitching up his belt and calling out to the smiling faces of the townsfolk that greeted him. But he stopped short, losing his happy mien when he spotted the demigod standing at the bar downing a tankard of ale. He approached the bar and greeted his friend.
"Hey Herc. I wasn't expecting to see you here. Didn't you get a chance to put my advice to work today?" the blond inquired offering his arm for a handshake.
Hercules turned to look at his friend, then ignoring the arm he turned back to the bar and picked up his tankard again. "I did put your advice work today. That's why I'm here. I should never have listened to you. I mean, what do you really know about the whole thing. I must have lost my mind and now I'm paying for it."
Iolaus was deeply hurt by his friend's words but he just couldn't believe that his advice failed with Deineira. He pushed gently for more information. "Gee, I'm sorry Herc. Which part of the advice didn't work? Was it the part about doing her chores for her?"
"No Iolaus, that worked. Deineira was very grateful for the day off," grumbled the demigod.
"Some people wake up crabby from a nap. Was it the part about the nap then...?" inquired Iolaus.
"No, she woke up rested and refreshed. It was good for her," answered Hercules.
"Okay then. It was the cooking. That's it! We should never have let you cook. Big mistake...big, big mistake," said the hunter as he shook his head.
"No Iolaus, it wasn't the cooking. I made my mother's lamb stew. It's Deineira's favorite and she was happy, surprised and hungry. She ate two whole helpings."
"The candles then. Did you remember to light the candles? Did something get burned?"
"No, the candles were a nice touch. Nothing got burned."
"The flowers?"
"They were good too."
"The romantic walk?"
"Very romantic."
"The warm bath?"
"Good."
"Beautiful today and forever?"
"She really liked that."
Iolaus threw his hands up in the air and exclaimed "I don't get it! What part of my advice was wrong. What part didn't work?"
His partner's question, laced with the hurt in his voice, called Hercules up short. "It's... I... I don't know. I don't understand. Everything unraveled so fast. I didn't have a chance to explain... She threw the hairbrush at my head..."
"Come on Herc. Let's sit down and you can gather your thoughts," said Iolaus as he nudged his partner over to a table in the corner of the tavern.
"Okay buddy, let's go over exactly what happened then maybe we can figure this thing out together," prompted the hunter. "You told her she was beautiful now and forever, right?"
"Right."
"And everything was going good up until that point, right?" Iolaus asked.
"Right. It was going great, in fact. I helped her out of the bath and she asked why I'd been so sweet to her all day. Then she laughed and said that if she didn't know better she would say I had a guilty conscience about something," recalled the demigod.
"Then what, Hercules?" prompted his partner.
"Then I said maybe she was right. That I was feeling a bit guilty about running off the past three nights and spending them with you in town instead of staying home and talking things out with her. Trying to find out why she was so angry with me. But I told her, that with your help, I figured it out and I told her that I was going to make it up to her any way I could."
"Okay, everything sounds good up until this point. What happened next?" asked the hunter.
"Well, then like you said. Nature took it's course. I picked her up to carry her into the bedroom and when she put her head on my shoulder she spotted some blond hairs stuck to the braid in my vest. Deineira asked where they came from and I told her it was probably when I was with you in the forge last night," recounted the demigod.
"Probably when you pinned me to the wall. What happened next?" Iolaus queried.
"Then she asked what I was doing in your forge at night time. I wasn't going to tell her what we were really doing there... so I told her I was helping you with some stuff," replied the demigod.
"That's not good Herc. You should have told her everything. You're no good at lying...or even skirting the truth," Iolaus pointed out. "Okay, think Herc. Was everything still good up to that point?"
"Yes. Things were still good, I think. She did look at me kind of funny though. Then she gave me a hug and asked if I would brush her hair. I said 'okay' and went to get the brush. Deineira sat on the end of the bed waiting for me to return. When I got close enough to start brushing she let out a whine," recalled the demigod.
"A whine Herc? From Deineira?"
"Yeah, like 'Oh noooooo!" Like that."
"Then what happened?"
"Then she started babbling."
"Babbling? Deineira?"
"Yeah...you know, babbling...saying stuff like 'Oh sure...helping Iolaus in the forge!' and then 'Of course, cute...blond...washboard abs.' Then she threw the brush at my head and she started yelling for me to get out, leave and never come back."
"Deineira thinks I'm cute...cool!" Iolaus said with an ear-to-ear grin. Then Hercules watched the changes on his best friend's expressive face as he took in the full implication of what the demigod was imparting. "Oh, man...oh, man...oh, man..." intoned the blond. "Hercules, we've got a big problem here."
"You're telling me?" the demigod responded. Then both men sat in quiet contemplation, drinking their ales while pondering the next step.
Iolaus broke the silence. "If you want my advice, Herc..."
"Whoa, wait! I got into this trouble by taking your advice, buddy. No more..."
"No Herc. This is the best advice I could ever come up with. When ever you have a tough problem that's too hard to handle it's time to call in the heavy artillery!" Then both men exclaimed in unison...
"Alcemene!"
"Mother!"
About 6 weeks later in Thebes...
Iolaus walked into the tavern, hitching up his belt and calling out to the smiling faces of the townsfolk that greeted him. But he stopped short, when he spotted the demigod standing at the bar downing a tankard of ale. He approached the bar with cautious curiosity and greeted his friend.
"Hey, Hercules! Long time, no see!" he said as he offered his arm to his friend for a handshake. "Everything okay with Deineira?"
"Never better buddy," replied the smiling demigod as he accepted the warm handshake from his partner. Hercules ordered a tankard of ale for Iolaus then turned his smiling, relaxed face to smaller man.
"So, what brings you into town Herc?" inquired the relieved blond.
"I'm here because of some very wise advice from my best friend..." replied the demigod with a big grin.
"I don't get it Herc?" Iolaus responded.
"Deineira's sister is staying with us for a while to help out when the baby is born, which should be any day now. Well, you know, her sister and I mix like water and oil; so I'm using this really great trick I learned. Deineira and I let her sister think that I work a second job hunting and fishing for the local merchants. I ate dinner with them then I came here, I'll have some ale, good conversation with the best friend a man could have, play some darts and go home with a couple of rabbits or a string of fish and Deineira's sister will think I'm great." Then the demigod added, "it's an old hunter's trick."
"Well, well, well Hercules. I'm glad I could help you out," the blond injected with a deep, warm chuckle. Then he poked his friend in the ribs and added "And, by the way...I am NOT old!"
"No? Isn't that a gray hair I see?" teased the demigod as he poked at his friend's head; then putting his arm around his partner's shoulder he leant in and whispered, "Thanks pal, for everything." And the laughter of good friends could once again be heard ringing along the main street of Thebes.
The End
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