Hercules casually glanced around the tavern as he entered the structure. It looked as if a tornado had decimated the place. It was in shambles; broken furniture, crocks, glasses and people were strewn about like children's blocks on the floor. A number of patrons were still sitting dazed on the wooden floorboards shaking their heads and clutching their injuries. Hercules walked over to the barkeeper who was busily moping up a mess on the counter.
"Excuse me but I'm looking for a friend of mine. Short fellow, about oh, this tall," Hercules said holding his hand at a height that indicted a much shorter man than himself, "Blonde hair. I was suppose to meet him here---"
Before Hercules could finish his explanation, he heard a familiar groan from under a pile of broken wood that probably was once was a chair and perhaps a table--- or two.
"Not you too Herc," the disembodied voice moaned. "My best friend."
Hercules looked closer at the ramshackle pile of wood. Throwing a half-smile back at the bar-keep he chuckled, "Never mind. I think I have found him."
The barkeeper shrugged and went back to mopping up the bar.
Hercules reached down and pulled a number of pieces of splintered wood aside to reveal the battered form of his buddy. He reached out a hand to help Iolaus up but his partner pointedly ignored it. With another groan, Iolaus rolled onto his knees and rested, head bowed, for few minutes. Hercules retracted his hand and tried not to fidget as he waited for his friend to recover.
Wincing as he drew a deep breath, Iolaus finally attempted to regain his feet. He wasn't ultimately successful and ended up plopping back down on the floor, posterior first. Hercules flinched when he saw a tender part of his friend's anatomy make a solid connection with a splintered table leg. He grimaced in sympathy. 'That had to hurt,' he thought.
Judging by the interesting expression that crossed the hunter's bruised face, Hercules decided he was indeed correct in his assumption. "Are you alright?" he asked in what he hoped was a sympathetic tone.
Iolaus answered, his light tenor voice squeaking ever so slightly. "Oh yes. Great. Just great. Doing real good down here. Never better. Now, had this STUPID piece of wood skewered me a little further to the right," he stated as he grabbed the offending object and hurdled it across the room, knocking down another poor patron who was trying to climb to his feet, "well I would be singing a different tune--- like soprano."
Iolaus glared impatiently at his tall friend. "Well, are you going to help me up or what?" he asked in a tone that indicated he was highly annoyed that Hercules seemed to be standing around offering him no assistance.
Hercules shrugged and offered his hand again. This time Iolaus grasped it and allowed Hercules to pull him to his feet. Hercules guessed his friend was semi-drunk as the man swayed unsteadily for a moment before finally finding his equilibrium.
Iolaus absent-mindedly swiped a hand across the corner of his mouth and examined the bloody streak left on his palm. Shrugging, he wiped his hand on his pants and with exaggerated care, straightened his vest and resettled his amulet. He reached up to push his unruly, golden curls, out of his sea blue eyes and flinched as his hand made contact with a gouge in his forehead above his left eye. Sighing, he lowered his hand to his side and peered about the room. 'Everyone else in the bar looks about as good as I feel,' he thought with some satisfaction for he hated to suffer the consequences of his follies alone.
Suddenly, Hercules' opening statement to the barkeeper flashed back across Iolaus' muddled mind and he grew angry again. Placing his hands on his hips, he locked eyes with the demigod.
"And I don't appreciate that from you either," he said huffily to Hercules.
Hercules looked in astonishment at Iolaus. He had no clue what the man was talking about.
"I mean," Iolaus started babbling as he wove his way across the tavern towards the bar. "I expect it from strangers. Notice I said expect not accept. I still don't think it's right, you know." He stopped and in one swift motion, drained a half-empty mug of ale sitting on a table that had somehow escaped being smashed in the ruckus.
"I certainly do not go around saying things like that about you," he grumbled as he continued his meandering journey towards the bar. He accidentally stepped on an unconscious man on the floor. "Sorry mate. Did I do that to you?" he asked and then broke out in a drunken giggle.
When he reached the bar, Iolaus slapped a few dinars down on the counter and said belligerently. "That's for MY share of the damages. You can collect from the rest of the ruffians yourself. I'm nobodies keepers brothers--- keeper of nobodies--- brothers of keepers of nobody--- aw heck--- whatever."
The barkeeper silently swept the coins off the counter and went back to his cleaning.
Iolaus picked up the rest of his belongs which lay on the floor, turned and made his way, none-to-steadily towards the door. He started his tirade again. "I mean you think people could come up with something original at least. But no, it is always the same damn ones over and over again. Sheesh. What they need is a good thesaurus."
Hercules watched as his friend rebounded off the doorframe, adjusted his angle of attack and finally successfully navigated through the door. He was still muttering and mumbling away as he disappeared into the night.
"Is he drunk or did he hit his head?" Hercules wondered aloud.
The bartender paused in his tasks to watch the blonde warrior attempt to leave his establishment. He hoped the hunter would not cause any additional damage to his place.
He sighed in relief when Iolaus wandered off into the night. Turning his attentions to Hercules he answered the demigod's rhetorical question, "Reckon it is a bit of both. I have been in this business for a long time and I know about these things. Your friend came in here looking for a fight. He didn't want a drink, he wanted to bash some heads together."
Hercules pondered this silently. Usually Iolaus didn't start a fight, unless he was provoked; though with his sometimes hothead friend, provocation often came in small packages. Once there was a brawl going, there was nothing his friend liked better than to participate 100%; he was not one to do anything by half.
The bartender wrung out his rag and continued on with his tale. "He had downed quite a few ales before the fight broke out. Funny though, if you asked me was he drunk, I would have to say yes based on the number of mugs he had put away. But when the brawl broke out, he certainly didn't fight like a drunken man. No sir, fought like a regular little whirlwind he did.
Hercules smiled knowingly. Even drunk his friend was a formidable fighter.
"But I guess when they all ganged up on him, hitting him first with that chair and then that table, well was a might bit too much for your friend."
Hercules shook his chestnut tresses in agreement. "Hmmm. So what started this altercation?" The bartender blinked stupidly at Hercules. "Fight, brawl."
"Oh, why didn't ya say that in the first place. Your friend took exception to something that Davey there said about his height," the bartender pronounced as he pointed a finger at a large, luggish man lying unconscious on the floor in the corner.
"Let me guess." Hercules took another look at Davey and estimated he had about a second grade reading level, if that. He immediately ruled out petite and diminutive. "He didn't by any chance use the word ah short, runt or little when talking to Iolaus?"
"Aye, he did at that. In fact, I believed he used all three to be exact. A short, little runt was what I think he called your friend. And your friend didn't seem to take it too well. I'm guessin' he doesn't like to be called short when he is drunk."
"Or when he is sober either," Hercules amended dryly.
"Aye, but he is ya know. Short that is. Still, doesn't seem to hurt his fightin' ability none. Like I said, he was a regular little demon."
"That he is my friend, that he is." Hercules thanked the man for his time and headed out into the night after partner.
"Someday, my friend. Your quest to prove to the world that the only thing short about you is your temper, is going to land you in big trouble."
Hercules instinctively headed towards the river, knowing he would find his friend there. Ever since he was a boy, Iolaus had found it calming to sit by the water and let the hypnotic rhythm of the liquid wash over his troubled mind.
The cold light of the silvery moon made it easy to spot Iolaus. That, and the fact he was sitting on a big old rock by the river's edge. Iolaus sat there, head resting on his hand, which rested upon his propped up knee. His gaze, while fixed upon the waters, was unfocused. Hercules settled on the rock next to his friend. He didn't say a word but waited for Iolaus to speak when he was ready.
Hercules' mind wandered as he waited. He knew Iolaus had been, well, edgy was the best word he could think of to describe Iolaus' recent mood.
Their defeat of the latest warlord had come with a high price. They had seen such terrible atrocities performed in the name of this warlord; a lot of them had been aimed at innocent women and children. Hercules knew it had affected his partner this time more so than most. After they had defeated the warlord and helped the village rebuild, they had left to head for Cornith. His best friend had been unusually quiet, since the fighting had ended.
That night, Iolaus had only picked at his dinner, peculiar for the vivacious hunter. Later that evening, Hercules had asked him was he feeling all right, and for the first time that Hercules could remember his friend had not beaten around the bush. He had been forthright in his answer.
"No Hercules, I am not all right," Iolaus had replied. "Oh, don't get concerned," he said quickly as a look of worry marred the demigod's rugged face. "Physically, I am not hurt. It is just well, I don't know. I'm just--- I mean I shouldn't be shocked--- I don't know why I let it bother me. It's not like I haven't seen people die before, even innocent ones---, but the things that were done to those chil--- what Gorthra did--- they were--- were--- inhuman. And us going there, rallying those villagers. Did we really do any good? Maybe it would have been better if we had not told those villagers to fight back. They lost so much." Hercules had heard the raw emotion in his friend's voice. "I'm tired Hercules. So very tired."
That had been the end of the conversation as Iolaus had rolled over and went to sleep; or at least pretended too, allowing Hercules no further chance for conversation. In the morning, no mention was made of the previous night's outburst. Hercules knew it wasn't finished, just that Iolaus had internalized his feelings again, as he was apt to do, and did not want to discuss the subject anymore. Hercules respected his friend's privacy as he had done so many times in the past. However he could not help wondering if it was the right thing to do.
Hercules had watched Iolaus go through the motions of living over the next few days. The spring was gone from the hunters step and he trudged, head down along the beaten pathway. He told no stories, no jokes and sang no songs. When Hercules attempted to engage him in conversation, Iolaus practically ignored him and any answers that were supplied were brief and to the point. Hercules was frustrated as to how to help his friend shake his gloomy mood.
A few days later they had stopped to rest near the crossroads that led to Thrace and Cornith. Hercules knew he had to go to Cornith, he had promised Iphicles. Iphicles and Iolaus had a cautious friendship at best. He knew Iolaus was not looking forward to visiting with Hercules' brother and in his current mood--- well it was not going to be pleasant for anyone.
His gaze had wandered across the signpost as the two men rested. If he recalled correctly, Iolaus had a lady friend in Thrace. Actually, Iolaus had a lady friend or two in every town, but he seemed to recall that his friend was particularly fond of the one in Thrace. Maybe it was the peaceful diversion the hunter needed to shake his somber countenance.
Hercules had carefully broached the subject with the warrior, trying to see if he would rather go to Thrace than Cornith with him. He did not want Iolaus to think he was abandoning him, but he also felt his friend needed and deserved a vacation. Iolaus hemmed and hewed and offered a few lame excuses why he really should go to Cornith but Hercules could see his heart wasn't in it.
In the end, they had mutually agreed that Iolaus would go to Thrace, Hercules to Cornith and they would meet in the small town of Syblus in a week hence. When they had spilt at the crossroads, Iolaus had simply turned to Hercules, smiled and said, "Thanks." Then he had started off down the road alone, first whistling and a few seconds later softly singing a bawdy tavern song--- "Oh, Like the Warriors of Thrace and Phrygia. She could get her wine down with a single gulp, while the flute played a little tune. And like those foreigners, she permitted herself---"
Hercules thoughts came back to the present as he glanced over at his still friend as he sat pensively on the rock. He wondered what had happened to his friend in Thrace in his absence. Obviously, based on Iolaus' mood, it was not the relaxing diversion that Hercules had hoped for his friend.
"You know," Hercules said, finally breaking the silence. "There is a hot spring about two miles from here. I, for one, could do with a good soak." Hercules stood, stretched and started to walk away. Iolaus wordlessly trailed after his friend into the darkness.
When they reached the hot spring, both men stripped and lowered themselves into the steamy waters. A sigh escaped Iolaus' lips as he sunk his battered body into the soothing mineral waters. Both men sat in companionable silence, eyes closed, relaxing, as the warm water loosened their weary muscles and freed their tired minds.
"Want to tell me about it?" Hercules asked quietly.
Iolaus sighed and shifted about until he had wedged himself so only his head was supported above the warm waters.
"That fight wasn't about being called short was it," Hercules prodded. He knew by the tightening of Iolaus' facial muscles that he had hit near the mark.
"No, I suppose it was not. Well not totally at least. I am tired of everyone calling me short. I mean I am not that short. I am only a little shorter than average. I just tend to stand next to tall people," he replied wistfully, a bit of humor creeping into his voice. "And you know Hercules, you are as bad as the rest."
Hercules raised his eyebrows in question.
"What did you say when you came into the bar looking for me? Hmmm, what?"
Hercules tried to think back. He had walked into the bar, had gone to the barkeeper and asked if he had seen Iolaus. Well no that was not quite right, he wouldn't have used Iolaus name, he would have described---. A look of guilty realization crossed Hercules' countenance. "I'm sorry my friend. I didn't---"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't mean it. Nobody means it," Iolaus retorted, his voice growing hard again. "But face it. The first thing that comes to mind when you think of me is 'short'. Not, pardon me have you seen my blonde, blue-eyed friend, good looking, brave warrior, extraordinary hunter- no, it's have you seen my short, little runty friend."
Iolaus held up his hand and shook his head to fend off his friend's words. "You may have not used those exact words but it is the same difference. I know what you're going to say. It's stupid to get annoyed over such a trivial things as height but---"
Hercules gently cut off his friend. "Iolaus. I am sorry. I do know you don't like to be called short and I apologize. It is insensitive of me. But, you do not escape that easily my friend. There is still more to this than just height. What happened in Thrace, Iolaus?"
Iolaus deflated as if the wind had spilled out of his sails. He dropped his head to his chest. "She was married Herc. Lydia got married. I mean I am happy for her, she is a great girl and she has the right to marry, have kids, a good life. Plus I know the fellow. He is a good guy, no I mean a great guy. A really great guy=85"
"But it was not you," Hercules concluded.
Iolaus sighed and raised his head. Hercules could see the confusion in his friend's eyes. It was not that Iolaus had seriously considered marrying Lydia himself. It was more the age-old confusion to figure out if the path in life he chose to lead was as "right" as the path that Lydia and her husband would follow.
Hercules understood exactly what his friend was going through. Both he and Iolaus had had loving families at one time; families that were torn away from them because of the Gods. Neither man had chosen to settle down again, partially because they believed in what they did, helping defend others from the bad elements of heaven and earth, was a worthy cause. But underneath also ran a current of regret and yes fear; fear that if they did settle down again the Gods would only hurt the ones they loved. It was a hard choice, not one easily made, and it was a choice that could pray on a person's mind when things in the "hero's world" did not go well. His friend's mind was open to these dark thoughts because though they had won the last "war", the price to the village, the number of slain husbands, wives and children, seemed too high a price.
There was nothing more either of them could say on the matter. They both understood the sacrifices necessary in their line of work. Hercules reached out a hand and gave Iolaus a compassionate squeeze on his shoulder. Iolaus' eyes had opened and met with Hercules'. His eyes echoed the "Thank you" from his lips before they drifted shut again. Hercules could see the tension start to leech from Iolaus' body, as if talking about it helped filter some of the doubts from his friend's soul. He watched as the hunter drifted off to sleep in the temperate waters.
"But I still wish I was taller Herc," the golden hunter muttered as he left the real world for the dream one.
Hercules checked to make sure Iolaus was firmly wedged and would not slip under the water as he slept, then he climbed out of the pool. He shook himself dry and took up watch under a near by tree while his friend peacefully rested.
A terrible pain in his legs interrupted his pleasant dreams. He struggled only to find himself immersed in water. He thrashed wildly, returning to the surface, coughing and sputtering as his head broke free of the watery world. Hercules was instantly awake at the sound of his friend's battle, cursing himself for carelessly falling asleep. He was relieved to see, other than a wet head, his friend seemed to have suffered no damage from his baptism.
Iolaus shook his head like a wet dog to clear his hair from his eyes. He grinned sheepishly up at Hercules who was kneeling at the edge of the hot spring. "Must have slid," he said apologetically.
"I'll go hunt up some dinner. You better get out of there soon before you shrin-- shrivel up like a prune," Hercules amended lamely.
Iolaus looked at his buddy and sighed.
Hercules wandered back towards the campsite to start dinner preparations.
Iolaus stretched in the water and muttered 'ouch' when he stubbed his toe on the other side of the rock pool that contained the hot, mineral spring. Funny, he didn't realize he was that close to the wall with his foot. He started to stand up and immediately felt dizzy. He swiftly sat down again. Herc was right. He had spent too much time in the hot spring.
Being more cautious, he pulled himself out on the ledge of the pool and sat for a few minutes filling his lungs with the crisp night air. Yes, this was better. He started to get to his feet again, and was about half way up when he lost his balance and slammed painfully on his knees on the moss-covered rocks that lined the pool's edge. That was weird he thought. I don't feel dizzy this time. I just lost my balance for some reason or more precisely felt off-balance.
Iolaus sat up on his knees, getting ready to attempt a third try at rising. Even as he knelt there things did not seem right. For some reason, when he looked down, it seemed like the ground was further way than normal. 'Boy Iolaus, he chided himself, 'you did remain in the pool too long. You must have waterlogged your brain. I need something to hold on to until I get my sea legs back.'
He spied a nearby tree. 'That will do,' he said to himself as he carefully crawled towards the tree. He placed one hand on the tree for support as he pushed his way to his feet. He made it fully erect, hit his head on the overhead tree branch and promptly crumbled back to the ground. A groan escaped his lips as his knees once more made contact with the hard earth. He looked up from under his dripping bangs at the offending branch that had brained him.
'Oh great,' he thought. 'Now I have given myself a concussion. There is no way I could have hit my head on that branch. It is at least 6 and half feet off the ground. You are really losing it Iolaus.' He attempted to stand up again. Whack, and back down to the earth he crashed. He howled in frustration as his knees kissed the ground for a third time.
Hercules heard his friend's howl and went running towards the hot spring. He found his buddy sitting on the ground, hugging his knees, and grimacing.
"Iolaus! What happened? Are you alright?"
"I've fallen and I can't get up," his friend moaned pitifully.
"Here," said Hercules. "Let me give you a hand. You probably are just a little light-headed from being in the hot water so long."
Iolaus reached out, took Hercules' hand and let his friend pull him to his feet. Iolaus shot up and swayed back and forth like a drunken sailor. Hercules grabbed his friend with both hands to steady him and realized he was looking UP into Iolaus' eyes. About the same time Hercules was looking up, Iolaus was looking DOWN at Hercules face. The two hero's eyes met in shocked disbelief. Iolaus stood at least four inches taller than Hercules. In confusion, Hercules let go of Iolaus, who failing to catch his balance, ended up on the ground again.
Hercules stood there gaping at his sprawled comrade. "Iolaus," he stuttered. "You're tall."
"Ok. Now take it easy this time and pay attention to what you are doing. You have to get use to a new center of gravity. Slowly---, easy---, easy---, there you go."
Iolaus was standing! Granted, he still had a hand on Hercules, but he was actually standing! He cautiously let go of Hercules' arm. So far so good. His friend was right. Now that he was paying a little more attention to this process, he could feel his center of balance was in a different place. He just needed to get used to this and then things would be OK. He looked down at his feet and took a careful step forward, then another.
"Hey, look! I'm walking," but as he jerked his head up to smile triumphantly at his partner he lost his balance and started to sway. Hercules shot a hand out to steady him.
"Thanks Herc. You know, it is a long way down to the ground from up here," he smirked.
Hercules shook his head in amazement as he watched Iolaus wobble about the clearing. Hercules wondered what God or Goddess was responsible for his friend's growth spurt. They did a good job he had to admit. They did not just add 12 inches to his legs but had kept everything in portion. Iolaus was a perfectly put together 6'7" man. There was one problem though.
"Iolaus?"
Marshalling himself, Iolaus managed to bring all his various body parts to a syncopated stop. "Yeah Herc?"
"You're naked."
Iolaus looked down at himself realizing Hercules was right. His eyes wandered down past his waist and a stupid grin lit on his face. "Hey Herc. Would you look at the size of--"
"Iolaus! Look we have to find you some clothes. I don't think your old stuff is going to fit."
"Well, lend me something of yours. It should fit, almost, though it is going to be a little short," he giggled gleefully as he got absorbed in checking out his new body again. "This is way kewl," he muttered to himself.
"I don't have any spare clothing, you know that. If I did would I wear this same yellow vest day in and day out? You wait here and I will go into town and try to find something."
Iolaus nodded his head absentmindedly as he began to explore the world of being tall again. He reached up and plucked a piece of fruit off a tree branch and then grinned wickedly at Hercules. "I could get use to this you know."
"Yeah- well try not to get into any trouble while I'm gone OK?" Hercules didn't even think Iolaus heard him, as he was too involved in exploring his new height options. Hercules shook his head and started off for the town. He wondered again which one of his relatives was responsible for his friend's new perspective on life and in the same breath wondered what trouble this was going to cause; Hercules knew these type of gifts never came with out a price.
The trip to town was uneventful. He approached a vender selling clothes and inquired if he carried clothing for taller folks. The vender proceeded to ask how tall and without thinking, Hercules held his hand at about 5'7".
The merchant gave him an odd glance. "That is not so tall my friend."
Hercules realized his mistake and grinned ruefully. "Sorry, force of habit. No, he is about 4 inches taller than I am," Hercules amended.
"Now, that is bit more of a problem." The vender began rummaging through his goods looking for something suitable. "A toga perhaps?" the vendor offered holding aloft a mauve one. "Very soft, very good quality."
"I don't think my friend would like that. He is more of a leather vest and pants type of guy."
"Ah, biker type," the merchant said insightfully as he went back to searching through his wares.
Hercules raised an eyebrow at the vendor and waited patiently while the man routed through his stock.
"I know---" the seller said as a pink shirt flew though the air and landed nearby on the ground, "that somewhere in here---," a pair of yellow pants joined the pink shirt, "I have a large pair of pants that were made---," more clothing took to the air, "for the giant Gregorus."
Hercules ducked as a lady's blouse flapped towards his face.
"But he never came for them because someone," more pieces of ladies apparel rained down on Hercules, "had the audacity to kill him before he could take delivery."
Hercules blushed as he removed a pair of ladies panties that had somehow intertwined themselves about this head. He quickly dropped the offending frilly garment on the ground before saying, "That would have been me."
The salesperson popped his head up like a weasel and stared at Hercules with his beady little eyes.
"I'm afraid," Hercules stammered, "that I am the one who killed Gregorus."
The merchant frowned unhappily at Hercules. "They were a very expensive pair of pants to make," he said in a tone that left no doubt he blamed his loss of profits on Hercules' irresponsible actions.
"Well, Gregorus was killing innocent people," Hercules defended himself, not believing he was having this conversation with a travelling salesman.
"Humph," was the only reply he got as the merchant dove back into his ocean of wares. Finally, with a cry of triumph, he held up a pair of leather pants that looked like they would fit the new Iolaus perfectly. He waved them ecstatically in front of Hercules.
"They're purple," Hercules said dubiously.
"Yes, they are. Just because he was a tall fellow didn't mean Gregorus wasn't fashion conscious."
"I see." Hercules shrugged. "Well, I have no choice. I'll take them and a shirt."
The vender dove again emerging with a shirt, which he held up for Hercules' inspection.
"It has--- flowers on it."
"Those are not flowers, my friend. That is abstract art. All the rage in Athens."
"Iolaus is not really into fashion. He prefers the grunge look."
"I'm sorry, but it is the only thing I have in your friend's size."
Hercules looked at the shirt again. It was yellow, pink, green and purple with a pattern that to Hercules untrained eyes, looked just like flowers.
He sighed and said "Fine," and paid the merchant. "I hope Iolaus hasn't lost his sense of humor," he muttered to himself as he headed back to the camp.
He stomped about, holding the offending garments out stretched in his hands. He stared Hercules right in the eye=85 really right in the eye.
"Hercules, I am NOT wearing these clothes!"
Hercules shrugged, turned, and walked away. "Suit yourself. They're the best I could find. But if you'd rather go around naked, far be it from me to stop you."
Iolaus muttered, grumbled, cursed but he eventually pulled on the psychedelic clothes.
"You look good in purple," Hercules deadpanned.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have heard that before. Lets get going and no more fashion remarks alright."
Hercules merely grinned in reply.
The two set off through the woods towards the path that led to Thebes. Iolaus was constantly examining this and that from his new found perspective on the world. He plucked leaves and fruit from branches that would have previously been out of his reach. He delighted in turning and staring Hercules straight in the eyes, just because he could. Iolaus still occasionally lost his sense of balance and tripped, but he was getting better at handling his new body. He was no where near as graceful and stealthy as he once was, but he was getting better.
Hercules silently shook his head at his friend's antics. 'Enjoy it while you can Iolaus', he thought to himself, 'because nothing ever comes free without strings. I don't know what the strings to this deal are my friend, but I know they are there and eventually someone will pull them.'
As was the norm, shortly after the noon time sun had passed overhead, a group of ruffians leapt out of the trees to block the path in front of the two travelers.
"Your money or your life," the lead bandit growled.
"You know," Iolaus sighed. "I get so tired of that line. 'Your money or your life.' Sheesh. You think, maybe just once, you guys could be a little more original. I dunna know, how about something like; 'Pardon me gentleman, but I am here this lovely spring afternoon to remove from your possession, anything of value you may have. If you do not cooperate, I will be forced to send you on a one-way trip to see Hades.' Better yet, how about; 'Please hand over any coins, jewelry or valuables you have about your person. I would deeply regret having to kill you over this matter should you choose not to cooperate.' Or even, 'Hey dude. Hand over the loot or I'm gonna ice you.' Anything but the same old tired phrase 'Your money or your life.' If I had a dinar for every time I have heard that---"
"Iolaus!"
Iolaus stopped his lecture and looked at his partner. "What?" he asked irritably
"Being tall hasn't changed one thing about you."
"Oh yeah? How's that?" he asked as he folded his arms across his chest.
"You still babble."
"I am not babbling." Iolaus unfolded his arms and gestured towards the ruffians. "I was simply trying to point out to these gentlemen, the tedious nature of their opening remark. I mean even bandits are capable of improving themselves Herc. There is no reason with a little imagination, they can not come up with a better opening line. It would make the robbery more interesting for the victims I think."
"Robberies are not supposed to be interesting for the victim Iolaus."
"You are a perfect example of my point Herc. Stuck in a rut. Think outside of the box, stretch your horizons. Robberies could certainly be interesting for the victims if---"
The bandits stood looking at the two men in utter confusion. Their professor from 'Looting and Pilfering 101' had never mentioned anything about the intended victims carrying on a philosophical debate before a robbery. They weren't quite sure how to handle this turn of events. Finally the leader went to his fallback position. "Get them," he screamed. The bandits charged at the two heroes with clubs and swords raised.
"Iolaus!" Hercules warned as the bandits started towards them. The warrior spun around and nearly tripped himself again.
"Be careful! You are still not use to your body. I would hate to see your life cut short."
Iolaus quirked an eyebrow at Hercules trying to decide if he had just been insulted. Not quite sure, he shook his head. "Aw Herc, don't be such a worry wart. With my new height and reach, this should be a piece of cake." To demonstrate his point, Iolaus reached out and smacked one of the incoming bandits in the face, knocking him senseless to the ground.
"See," he said grinning back at his partner.
"Iolaus, don't get cocky--- behind you!"
Iolaus whirled and spotted two men about to bash his head in with clubs. He screeched an eastern war cry and aimed a kick at the first bandit's head. He forgot to take into account the fact that he could now kick higher and his foot sailed harmlessly over his opponent's head. Luckily, the down stroke of kick caught the second robber in the chest, knocking him to the ground.
Over-balanced, Iolaus stumbled. The first bandit took advantage of warrior's awkward state and swung at him with his club. Out of the corner of his eye, Iolaus saw the club heading for his head so he ducked. Unfortunately, he neglected to take his new frame size into account again and he didn't duck quite far enough. The club skimmed the top of his head and sent him sprawling to the ground.
Seeing his friend fall, Hercules worked his way over and stood protectively over Iolaus until he got his bearings back.
"Why didn't you duck Iolaus?"
"I did duck," he answered grumpily while he gingerly rubbed his head and examined his fingers for signs of blood.
"Well next time you duck, duck more so you don't get goosed. Got it?"
"Got it Herc. Duck, duck, goose right?"
"Something like that." Hercules leaned over and pulled his friend to his feet. "Now be careful."
"Right," Iolaus said as he charged back into the thick of things.
"Yeah, like you are really listening to me," Herc muttered as he flung another bandit over his head.
For the next few minutes, Iolaus' fighting style basically consisted of being knocked to the ground, standing up and being knocked to the ground again. Though none of the bandits dealt him an injurious blow, they were getting a few good solid hits on the blonde hunter. If one were to keep score, it would be Iolaus 1, Bad Guys 6. Hercules kept a close watch on his partner out of the corner of his eye, ready to step in if things got real serious. He didn't want to assist too much as he knew that would hurt Iolaus' pride and last time he hurt Iolaus' pride it had nearly cost him his life.
'Concentrate Iolaus,' he muttered to himself. 'Feel your center, use it, move with it.' His next series of kicks and blocks showed some degree of his old flair. He was learning how to work with his new form. He watched in glee as his two opponents dropped to the ground like flies. Caught up in his triumph, his mind wandered again. It suddenly jumped back on track when Hercules yelled in an exasperated tone "Iolaus! Pay attention. In front and behind you."
Iolaus anchored himself back in reality and discovered a bandit in front of him waving a nasty looking sword in his direction. He also sensed that another opponent was approaching from the rear. Working on automatic pilot, Iolaus dropped to his knees and went to dive between the swordsman's legs, only he got stuck halfway through! Apparently his new stature did not lend itself very well to that particular defensive movement.
The second bandit tripped over Iolaus' legs and all three men went merrily crashing to the ground, with Iolaus being bottom man on the pile. Hercules whacked together the heads of the two villains he was fighting and then dropped them without a second thought. He strolled over and flung the two dazed men off of Iolaus who remained laying face down in the dirt.
"Iolaus," Hercules asked with concern. "Are you hurt?"
Iolaus slowly raised himself onto his elbows, contemplating the question before him. "Not seriously, though there seems to be a lot more of me to ache than there use to be. What happened here?" he continued as he rolled onto his back and sat up. "I mean, I nearly got my butt kicked by a punch of amateurs."
"You did get your butt kicked," Hercules mumbled.
"What?!"
"Look Iolaus. It's going to take time for you to learn to effectively use your new body." Hercules searched his mind for an analogy his friend would understand. "It is like using a new weapon for the first time. You are not going to be a superstar right in the beginning, but with practice you'll eventually become proficient. You just need more practice with being--- tall." Hercules stuck out a hand to help Iolaus up. Iolaus grabbed it and pulled himself to his feet. Hercules gave his head a little shake. He still was not used to looking up at Iolaus.
Iolaus brushed off his pants and the two started back down the road.
"I don't know about you partner," Iolaus said as he cautiously stretched his limbs, "but after the beating I took today, I feel like sleeping in a nice soft bed. There should be an inn in town. What do you say we get a room for the night."
"Fine by me," Hercules concurred.
They set off through the town looking for the inn. As they passed through the market place, neither man was oblivious to the stir they were causing. The men of the village looked questioningly as the two tall warriors strolled by; the women adoringly. Iolaus flashed his trademark grin causing a general swoon of the women-folk in his vicinity.
He looked down at Hercules and smirked. "Well being tall hasn't effected SOME aspects of me. Apparently, I am as charming at 6' 7" as I was at 5' 7". Maybe even more because I am taller and more women can see me at once."
"Yeah, they can not help noticing you in that colorful outfit," Hercules muttered.
"What!?"
Hercules batted his flirtatious friend on the shoulder and then shoved him in the direction of the inn. Without thinking, Hercules ducked as he entered the low door to the tavern. Iolaus, his mind still on the pretty women, pulled a Typhon and smacked into the lintel. He cried out and staggered backwards, falling on his butt in the dirt. Hercules turned in time to see a disgusted look flash across his friend's face.
"Are you all right," he asked as he started over to where his friend sat. However, he was shoved aside by a group of simpering women who rushed to the fallen hunter's side to see if he was hurt. They ran their hands over his buddy and fondled him in a manner most unbecoming for a public place. Iolaus hammed it up, playing the injured warrior to the hilt. He let the ladies help him up and lead him to a table. They jostled past Hercules again with their precious bundle and Iolaus threw Hercules a "hey what can I do look" over his shoulder. Hercules grimaced and made his way over to the other side of the table from Iolaus and his admirers. The serving wench came by and they placed their order and shortly there after their food arrived. The Iolausian chorus practically spoon-fed the man his dinner.
"I thought you hated when people fed you," Hercules pointed out.
"Not when they are pretty women," Iolaus shot back.
Hercules grunted and went back to eating his meal in silence.
Hercules ended up retiring to their room before Iolaus did. Iolaus showed no signs of leaving his admirers and the demigod finally said the heck with it and went to bed.
He woke up half way through the night and noticed Iolaus' bed was still empty. He debated about whether he should seek out his partner to make sure he was OK. Then he realized how stupid that idea was. Iolaus was a big boy. He could take care of himself. Besides, if that flock of women that surrounded him in the inn's common room was any indication of his friend's new found popularity, then he would have a very busy night indeed and would not appreciate his watch dog checking up on him. Hercules rolled over and went back to sleep, leaving Iolaus to his amorous fate.
The bed lay cold and unruffled in the morning. Hercules grunted and wondered how he was going to find his missing companion. He did not have to look far as the man in question was slumped over at one of the tables in the inn's common room.
"Iolaus?"
The blonde man raised with tousled head from the table. Eyes, that looked like they had not seen a lot of sleep, slowly scanned the room and wearily focused on the man addressing them. "Herc," he groaned as he let his head sag back down onto his arms on the tabletop.
Hercules slid onto the bench across from his disheveled partner and ordered two bowls of oats for breakfast.
"None for me," the muffled voice rose from the slumped over man.
"You? Not eating? Are you feeling alright?"
Iolaus raised his head and glared over at his partner. "Do I look alright?" he shot back as he propped his head up on one fist.
"Well since you asked, no you look like Tartarus."
Iolaus closed his eyes and sighed.
"Did things not go as you--- ahhh--- expected last night?" Hercules asked cautiously sticking a toe in the water to test the temperature.
He quickly jerked his toes back from the piranhas when Iolaus snapped "No and I DON'T want to talk about it."
Hercules simply raised his eyebrows and then started eating the bowl of porridge placed before him by the innkeeper's wife.
Iolaus took one look at the food, groaned again and dropped his head back on the table where it made a resounding thunk. The soft sounds of snoring could be heard as the hunter took a quick nap while his buddy finished his breakfast.
Hercules finished up, went upstairs, collected his things, came back down, paid the tab, and then shook his partner awake. Iolaus sleepily rose to his feet and tagged along after his partner. Hercules ducked as he walked out the low doorway and then reached back and shoved his partner's head down to miss the doorway too.
"Thanks buddy," Iolaus muttered.
Hercules set a slower pace, though by mid-day his partner seemed more chipper. They stopped in a shady glen to eat an afternoon snack.=20
"You had quite a flock of admirers last night," Hercules said conversationally.
"You just aren't going to leave this alone are you?" Iolaus griped in an exasperated tone.
"What? I was simply making an observation," Hercules replied innocently.
"Fine. Alright. You want to know. Great. I'll tell you. Far be it from me to hold back on a friend." Iolaus said flinging his hands up in the air.
"But I---"
Iolaus cut him off and started telling him his tale of woo and woe. "Remember what it was like when I first was trying to walk? How it was kind of, ahhh, awkward? Well, I sort of had the same problems at first trying to---"
"--- such unrealistic expectations," he concluded. "I mean do you have this problem all the time just because you are--- large? I mean these women acted like I was supposed to be all to, well, you know, all night long." Hercules blushed and wondered how he had ever gotten himself into this conversation. He mumbled something under his breath.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. And another thing, and this pains me to say," Iolaus rambled on, "but when I was shorter, I use to be able rest my head on a nice soft part of a woman's anatomy when I hugged them. Now, the only thing I can rest my head on is the top of their bony heads, which is hard and gives me a crick in the neck if they are too short. Oh and speaking of cricks in my neck, how do you do it?"
Before Hercules could even draw a breath to ask what, Iolaus went on. "Kissing, what a major pain in the neck. Bending down to meet her lips and that impossible angle you have to hold your head in for like ever--- sheesh, it is a wonder you don't spend your entire life at the chiropractors Herc. I mean---"
Hercules leaned back against a tree and closed his eyes wishing he had never opened the floodgates to Iolaus' sex life. At the rate he was going, he would never hear the end of it.
Somehow, this looked very familiar to Hercules, like Deja vu. He was in a tavern, looking for Iolaus and had found his best friend lying on a heap on the floor, the tavern in desperate need of remodeling and the rest of the patrons moaning, groaning and scattered about in various states of disarray.
He pulled the remains of a chair and two tables (hmmm, thought Hercules to himself. I think I am seeing a pattern here) off of Iolaus and dragged him to his feet. His buddy was swaying again, whether from the fight, the drink or because he simply forgot how to deal with his body again Hercules could not say. He grasped the man by the arm, picked up his sword, laid a few dinars on the bar and guided his wobbling partner out into the fresh air.
They headed out of town and as the sun began to set, they stopped and established a camp for the night. After dinner, Hercules turned to his partner.
"Iolaus, I only was gone for an hour. How could you have gotten yourself in that much trouble so fast," Hercules asked in an annoyed tone as he dabbed at the hunter's arm wound with a water soaked rag.
Iolaus winced and shrugged his shoulders. "I dunna. Talent I guess."
"What was the fight about this time my impetuous friend," Hercules inquired as he tied off the bandage around the left bicep.
Iolaus flexed his arm experimentally and muttered, "He called me tall."
Hercules rocked back on his heels. "Excuse me. What did you say?"
Iolaus ducked his head again and mumbled, "He called me tall."
"You are really too much Iolaus. First you complain and get into bar brawls because people called you short. Now you are trying to tell me you started a fight because someone called you tall? I don't understand you."
"Well," Iolaus said indignantly. "It was the way he said it. Like I was some over grown moron. Like a big old ox, a big old stupid ox. Like somehow the world was different up here than down there. That me being tall was some crime, or like I was a freak of nature, or that---"
"Iolaus, are you listening to yourself?"
Iolaus clamped his mouth shut and looked at Hercules.
"Are you trying to tell me you are tired of being tall."
The frogs croaked, the bees hummed, the birds sang but Iolaus remained quiet in the face of Hercules' accusations.
Hercules stared at his companion. "Well?"
"Alright. Yes. I am a little tired of being tall. I mean, I seem to have the same problems being tall as being short. I still get attacked by bad guys, I still get called names, I still have to prove myself to woman except instead of having to prove myself once, I have to prove it over and over and over---"
"Iolaus!"
"Again," he concluded. "Plus I hit my head on doorways, trees and am forced to wear purple cast-offs from a giant. Ya know, when I look back on it, being short wasn't really so bad."
"Iolaus, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."
"Yeah I guess so," he laughed ruefully. "The only difference is instead of rolling under the fence to get to the grass I can now step over it, but you know, it really doesn't make a difference. Either way I can still get to the grass if I try hard enough."
Hercules smiled and clapped his buddy on the back. "My friend I think you have learned a lesson."
"Yeah," Iolaus grinned as he rubbed the latest bruise forming on his jawbone. "And as usual, it had to be knocked into my thick skull."
Both men laughed.
"Hey Herc. Which one of your relatives is behind my 'tall tale' do you think?"
Hercules scratched his head. "I am not quite sure. It is too tame for Ares or Hera."
"Yeah, and Aphrodite, Athena or Artemis probably would have turned me into a woman or a bookworm or an animal."
"True. Could be Fortune but I have to say whoever made you taller really did a good job and well good craftsmanship is not exactly what Fortune is known for."
"Do you think," Iolaus asked in a wistful voice, "that whoever did this will ever change me back? I mean, well, I kind wanna go back to the way things were. Not," he added quickly, "that this wasn't fun and all. But I am kind of use to the more compact version of me. This full size model is high maintenance."
Hercules shrugged having no idea what to tell his companion. Iolaus sighed took off his shirt and boots and laid down to go to sleep. As he was about to drift off he saw a shooting star and made a wish on it, a wish he thought he'd never make---
"Wow, like totally awesome," she said as she wrapped her long, silky arms around his work-hardened torso. "You were so on the money Hefy."
The scarred God turned and cuddled his beautiful lover in his muscular arms. Aphrodite ran a finger down his forearm teasingly while she thought about what had happened. "I never would have guessed that curly would ask to be made short again. How did you know he'd do that?"
Hephaestus took one of her delicate hands and ran it across the scars on the side of his face. "Because, I know what it is like to be different and what you would give to be 'normal'. However," he said as he kissed the tips of her fingers, "I also know that just because you are not the norm, doesn't mean you aren't as good as everyone else. We all have a unique set of obstacles we have to overcome in life and the best way to meet those challenges, is head on. I like to look at them as opportunities to succeed not chances to fail. Iolaus simply found that what he had was as good as what he wished for."
"Hefy, you are handsome and smart. Totally rad. Are you going to change sweet-cheeks back?"
Hephaestus shook his head yes. "He'll wake up in the morning in his original packaging."
"Handsome and intelligent," Aphrodite cooed as she pressed her body against that of her lover. "What more could a girl ask for? Well, you won the bet fair and square wanna go collect your prize?" she asked seductively.
Hephaestus grinned as the two headed off to his bedchamber. He had to remember to thank the little mortal next time he saw him for helping him win this delicious bet.
The morning sun tickled Iolaus' face and he opened a cautious eye to greet it. Hercules was already stirring on the other side of the fire. Iolaus sat up, stretched, and tossed the blanket to one side. He groped around for his shirt and boots, which he had taken off before he went to bed last night. He finally spotted them on the ground just out of reach. He stretched mightily again, feeling refreshed. He grinned over at his half-awake partner.
"Rise and shine Herc old buddy," he said as he sprang to his feet and did a fully body stretch. He thought he felt a draft when he stretched but he brushed the errant thought aside.
Hercules' eyes widened as he looked at his buddy. "Iolaus?"
"Hmmm," he replied as he closed his eyes and stretched his face towards the morning sun.
"You are naked. Oh yeah, you're also short."
Iolaus' eyes flew open and he looked down. Sure enough, his purple pants were lying like a puddle of grape juice around his ankles. He quickly reached down and pulled them up over his slender hips and up and up until they nearly reached his nipples. He gave a little shriek, and in doing so let go of the pants which plunged to the ground about his ankles again.
"Iolaus?"
The blonde man's eyes rotated wildly in his friend's direction.
"You're naked again."
Iolaus grabbed the blanket and twisted it around his hips in a toga fashion.
"I guess you got your wish."
The hunter looked over his body again. Yep, back to his normal 5' 7" self. 'It really wasn't such a bad body,' he thought. He grinned over at Hercules. "Looks like you're right."
"Are you disappointed?"
"Naw, not really. I have kind of grown attached to this body you know. Ah Herc. By any chance do you have my old clothes?"
"No."
"Oh great. What am I going to wear!"
"I bet if you put that flowered shirt on it would hang low enough to cover--- things. Of course you'll have to be careful when you sit---"
"Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. I am not wearing a dress."
"Well, I could make you a new pair of pants if you'd like. Now I just need a stick---"
Iolaus remembered where Hercules had placed that stick last time he had offered to make him a pair of pants and blushed at the memory. "Ah, thanks Herc. I don't want to put you though all the trouble."
"Suit yourself."
"I'll just put these on," he said as he drew the pants back up to his chest, "and tie a piece of rope around them, you know, like a belt." Iolaus took one step forward and tripped over the pant legs which were way too long and fell on a heap on the ground.
As he lay there contemplating the meaning of life, a bundle flew threw the air and landed on the ground by his head. He rolled into a sitting position and looked at the package. "My pants!" he exclaimed happily. "And my vest. Gee thanks Herc."
"I figured you'd be needing them again someday and I know how attached you are to that mangy vest."
Iolaus shrugged the vest on and laid a loving hand on it. "You know Herc. This is the only thing left I have of Ania, this and her memories," the golden hunter said softly.
"I know. That's why I kept it."
"You are a good friend," Iolaus said smiling warmly up at his tall companion.
Iolaus got dressed and the two men set off down the road to see what their next journey would be.
The End.
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