Fourth Season Spoilers

by Ceryndip

Note: this file gets very large as the season progresses. If your computer can not handle the size of the file, send me an e-mail and I'll be happy to send it to you in smaller parts.

Beanstalks and Bad Eggs
Hero's Heart
Regrets...I've Had A Few
Web of Desire
Stranger in a Strange World
Two Men and A Baby
Prodigal Sister
...And Fancy Free
If I Had A Hammer...
Hercules on Trial
Medea Culpa
Men in Pink
Armageddon Now part 1
Armageddon Now part 2
Yes, Virginia, There is A Hercules
Porkules
One Fowl Day
My Fair Cupcake
War Wounds
Twilight
Top God
Reunion

Beanstalks and Bad Eggs

#V0129 (September 28, 1997)

Guest Stars: Bruce Campbell, Glenn Shadix, Kerry Gallagher
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg
Directed by: John T. Kretchmer

Hercules promises to find out what happened to the mother of a dying old woman. Her mother was taken by a giant, Typhoon, when she was a little girl. She was taken to a castle in the clouds and she whispers the secret of how to get there in Herc's ear.

Hercules gets Autolycus to help him sneak in to a warlords treasure house to get a bag with a bean in it. What Hercules needs is in a treasure box suspended in an elaborate counter weight system. (Like in Raiders of the Lost Ark) Auto has to use a bag of sand to balance the weight when he removes the bag. Auto is not thrilled that they have risked life and limb for a tiny bag so he steals a gem to go with it which off balances the box and sounds the alarm.

They are pursued by the warlord and his men. Auto opens the bag and discovers the bean which he throws and it promptly grows a huge beanstalk which extends up into the clouds. With little choice of escape routes they climb the beanstalk. Auto first as Herc holds off the warlord

The surface at the top is cloud covered and there appears to be something living there. something nasty. This is proven when the warlord arrives at the top after following Herc up and is eaten by said monster. It's a snake-serpent like thing.

At the top they discover a castle and find Leanna inside. She warns them about Typhoon but he captures Auto anyway. Hercules discovers a nest of Harpy eggs. Leanna tells him that they are keeping them safe because the Harpies are endangered and Hades wanted the eggs protected.

In the meantime Auto is trying to teach Typhoon how to be romantic. He has parisian music and everything. Auto tries to get away. He nad Herc are both captured and put in a bird cage. Hercules can't bend the bars. He says it must be because of the height.

The baby harpies hatch out. They look like little baby gremlins and act and sound like the three stooges. Hercules plays fetch with one and gets him to fetch the key to the cage. Hercules leaves Auto in the cage for safe keeping and goes to talk to Typhoon who turns out to be the brother of Typhon. Herc tells him that he and Leanna love each other and that Typhoon should tell her. Typhoon offers Leanna her freedom. She has already been packing.

The harpies escape. Herc and Typhoon have to get rid of the monster before it eats the harpies. the harpies are named Fee, Fie, and Fum BTW. While Herc is dispatching the beast the Harpies escape down the beanstalk. Herc goes after them with a vine used as a bundgee cord.

Leanna decides to stay because this is the only home she knows and she and Typhoon decide to raise the little harpies right.

Herc and Autolycus climb back down the stalk and Typhoon pulls it up so they don't have any unwanted visitors.

Autolycus swings off into the trees.

Disclaimer: No permanent cases of Harpies were reported during the production of this motion picture.

Hero's Heart

#V-131 (October 5, 1997)

Guest stars: Lori Dungey, Barry Spring, Stephen Butterworth
Written by: Jerry Patrick Brown
Directed by: Phil Sgriccia

Lexus loves his gold and Fortune, goddess of Luck, arrives and flips her coin. It comes up bad and he loses his money and has to go live with relatives. He and a woman (maybe his wife) arrive at a rickety bridge and try to cross.

Hercules and Iolaus are at a thank you feast and Hercules is getting most of the attention. Iolaus feels a little unappreciated. As they leave the village they are laughing about it. They hear a woman screaming.. They see a woman standing in the middle of the bridge over a gap in the boards. Iolaus goes out on the bridge as Hercules saves Lexus whose hanging on the rocks beside it.. The woman panics and Iolaus can't hold on to her. She falls.

Iolaus takes full blame. Hercules explains that it's not his fault the woman paniced. Iolaus quits and tells Hercules that he has to find another sidekick if he wants one. Hercules tells him that he just needs some time to sort things out.

Iolaus goes to the tavern and can't buy dinner because he has no money and isn't Hercules' partner anymore. He can't get a job because he has a criminal record for shoplifting as a kid. There are no jobs in Tapias. Iolaus decides to move on. Hercules has to go visit King Trankus and tells Iolaus he will find him later so they can talk. They go in opposite directions.

Hercules is visited by Fortune later that evening. she admits that it is all her fault for starting things with Lexus. Hercules tells her to do nothing and let it alone. It seems she's something of a ditz who messes things up unintentionally. Iolaus is sitting by his own fire and reliving the moment the woman fell. Fortune arrives because she just has to try and make things right. She offers to take the memory of the moment away so it won't bother him. Iolaus agrees and she ends up wiping out all his memory since he met Hercules.

Iolaus goes to Nemia and is enticed by a local prostitute who leads him to three bandits who he beats up. She says they put her up to it. Iolaus offers to take her out of that place. They end up at her place where they have their way with each other (No we don't get to watch. We just see the after she has her skirt hiked up and is sitting on top of him. When she moves and he sits up the relevent body part is covered with a green sheet or towel.)

Iolaus tells her that the last thing he remembers is knocking over a jewelery stand with some friends as a kid.

Hercules learns that King Trankus wants him to take a wagon of gold to Nemia for the poor. King Trankus said that Hercules and Iolaus are better than a whole army. Since Iolaus isn't there King Trankus sends his best man with Hercules, Spiro (Also a bit of an idiot with an attitude about Nemians)

Iolaus is playing cards and cheating at it to win. The local crime boss spots him in the tavern. Xeno gets Iolaus to join the gang. Iolaus becomes the tough guy, helping to collect the security payments from the merchants.

Hercules and Spiro take the southern route which is more difficult to travel but Hercules knows it better. The wagon has wheel trouble and while they are fixing it a very pregnant woman comes up asking if she can ride in the wagon as she is on the way to her parents in Nemia.

Iolaus accuses Xeno's #1 man, Vanatos, of skimming off the top. Iolaus becomes the #1 man. Xeno tells Iolaus he is a good man and valued employee.

Hercules wants to scout ahead and can't because he can't leave the gold unattended.

Vanatos decides to take over the business.

The wagon gets stuck in the mud and Spiro scares the horses causing the wagon to run out of control. Hercules chases it down.

Xeno wants Iolaus to lead his muscle men to steal the gold. Hercules beats up the muscle and then Iolaus comes out. Iolaus plans to make Hercules bleed. Hercules tells him, "You may not know who you are but I do." Hercules stands there as Iolaus thrusts his sword which imbeds itelf in the side of the wagon. Iolaus is confused. He doesn't understand why he didn't kill Hercules. Hercules knew he wouldn't.

Vanatos takes over while Iolaus is away and plans to throw Xeno in the swamp.

Hercules and Spiro arrive in Nemia and drop off Ara, the pregnant woman. Spiro agrees Nemians are not all as bad as he thought. Hercules goes looking for Xeno to find Iolaus. Iolaus follows him. Hercules finds the tavern empty until Iolaus steps in. Hercules offers to explain everything but Iolaus has to save Xeno first because Xeno is his friend.

Hercules helps Iolaus beat up Vanatos and his men who have just thrown Xeno in the water. Iolaus ties a rope on and dives in after him, he'll pull the rope when he finds him or Hercules says he's coming in after him. He saves Xeno.

They round up the gang including Xeno for their crimes. Xeno realizes he has a debt to pay and urges Iolaus to find another line of work cause he's "a stand up guy". Hercules thinks that's good advice.

Hercules calls Fortune who comes and flips the coin, restoring Iolaus' memory. Now, Iolaus feels bad cause he robbed and stole. Hercules reminds him that he saved Xeno. Iolaus can't get the woman's face out of his mind. Hercules tells him that he did the best he could and that's all anyone could ask. Iolaus thanks Hercules for believing in him. Hercules replies "That's what friends are for."

Disclaimer: As Fortune would have it, Iolaus' memory was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Regrets..I've Had A Few

#V0309 (October 12, 1997)

Guest stars: Dean O'Gorman, Belinda Waymouth, Ian Bohen
Written by: Paul Robert Coyle
Directed by: Gus Trikonis

Jaris, the local villiage law man has trouble finding witnesses to testify against Claxon, the local gang leader. Claxon thinks he's gonna beat up Jaris and no one will tell until Hercules shows up that is. Hercules beats up Claxon and his gang and runs them off temporarily. Hercules sympathizes with Jaris on the the death of his wife after childbirth. Jaris named the baby after his brother, Bartok.

Celesta arrives to guide someone's soul to the otherside. Hercules speaks with her and discovers that she is here for Jaris. Hercules talks Celesta into giving Jaris one more day to make arrangements for his son.

Hercules remembers when he met Jaris' brother, Bartok. Hercules and Iolaus were attending Chiron's academy. Hercules is sparring with Iolaus and Hercules complains about the drills being nothing more than drills so he shouldn't take them seriously. Chiron tells him he's too cocky. The kids are sent home to visit their families for the duration of a 14 day festival. Iolaus is looking forward to Alcmene's cooking. (Guess he's going home with Herc.) Hercules suggests that if he'd continued his life of crime it'd be easier than Chiron's drills at the crack of dawn. The two kids are attacked by a gang of bad kids led by Daggit. Bartok is among them and Hercules accidentally kills him. Hercules realizes he should have handled it better and goes to take the body to the family and tell them what happened. Iolaus wants to go but Hercules says no. He has to do this on his own.

Iolaus is knocked out and captured by the gang.

Hercules meets Celestra. She tells him that many on Olympus are proud of him for taking responsibility for his actions. Hercules is pleased that the gods have noticed but wishes that his father would tell him himself and be involved in his life.

Hercules tells the father, Neamya, that Bartok's death was an accident and he's sorry. Neamya assumes that Hercules was a friend of Bartok's. Hercules doesn't correct him.

Adult Hercules tells Jaris that he saw Celestra and she's giving him 1 day to settle his affairs. Jaris can't let his son grow up in a world with people like Claxon.

Hercules remembers going to talk with young Jaris in the treehouse his brother built. Jaris threatened to run away like Bartok did. Jaris asks about Bartok and Hercules tells him that Bartok talked about him all the time and went to Chiron's academy.

Iolaus confronts Daggit and escapes from them during the fight. Daggit plans to pay back both Hercules and Neamya for what they did to Bartok. Iolaus arrives at the farm to interrupt the funeral with the warning, to find that Hercules hasn't told the family the whole truth. Neamya invites them both to stay. Young Hercules still thinks he can handle things himself.

Jaris kills Claxon and plans to kill more. Now more people are dying because of Hercules wanting to give Jaris more time. Hercules is responsible again. Celesta tells him that if Jaris kills too many his evil deeds will outweigh his good and he won't be able to go to the Elysian Fields.

Hercules and Iolaus help around the farm, Iolaus confronts Hercules and tells him he can't take Bartok's place. Daggit and about 30 guys arrive and Daggit invites them to join his gang. He also threatens that all who don't join will die at sunset when they come back.

Hercules tells Neamya the truth. Neamya is angry.

Hercules stops the adult Jaris from killing anymore. Hercules tells him he has this chance to spend a little time with his son and loved ones. This is something he didn't give Bartok the chance to do. Jaris asks him to tell his son that his father loved him. Hercules promises to.

Daggit's gang attacks. Hercules saves Jaris from Daggit's dagger. Hercules defeats Daggit and the gang leaves. The tree house that Bartok built burns and Hercules rebuilds it. Neamya thanks Hercules for saving Jaris and that he will try to be a better father to Jaris than he was to Bartok.

Hercules buries Jaris next to Bartok under the treehouse. Hercules has a conversation with his younger self about the lessons we have to learn.

Disclaimer: Jaris' cause of death remained a mystery during the production of this motion picture.

Web of Desire

#V0133 (October 20, 1997)

Guest stars: Gina Torres, Josephine Davison
Written by: Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci
Directed by: Michael Levine

A pirate captain, Nebula, has just taken King Zolas' treasure. They go to bury it in a cave and find something nasty under the ground. She tells them to dig it up.

Meanwhile the ship that Hercules and Iolaus are traveling on needs repairs and is taking on water. They end up on the island too. There is a storm coming in and they take refuge in a cave on shore and hope the ship survives. They find the treasure. Hercules and Iolaus notice that the pirates seemed to be in the middle of burying their treasure when they disappeared.

Iolaus finds some stuff they can fix the ship with in the back of the cave but Hercules thinks they should investigate what happened to the pirates first and their captain agrees. Hercules and Iolaus were on their way back to Corinth and hitched a ride with these seamen who they didn't know. They find a nasty cocoon thing. One of the pirates screams and they find him dead, in a pose suggesting that he was defending himself. His face was melted off. they want to move on but Hercules says they can't until the storm moves on. Nice shots of rain and surf.

Monocles, one of the sailors, decides to break into the treasure. Something grabs him and pulls him up into the ceiling. They arrive to find he has broke into the chest and they realize he's probably dead. One of the sailor's tries to panic. They decide to go look for Monocles. They find the pirate captain who attacks them and runs. Hercules and Iolaus catch up to her and after a minor scuffle they talk. she thinks they are out for the bounty on her head. They assure her they are not. We see spider shaped shadows on the wall. she tells them they are in the wrong place.

The spider attacks a group of three sailors, Hercules and Iolaus run to help them. the sailor is wounded. She offers to help and stabs the man. She said it was a mercy he would have died slowly and painfully. She told Hercules that she came ashore with 20 men and it took them all in less than a day. Her ship has been set adrift. she admires his ideals but the rules are different here. she hopes that if she is wounded one of the "men" will have the guts to return the favor.

Iolaus finds strange glowing blood on the ground. They have to find it before it finds them. They follow the blood trail. Iolaus notices she has a tatoo of an eastern calendar and notes that is where they both learned to fight. Hercules notices that she has a prison mark also. Hercules intends to take her and the treasure back to King Zolas. If he can get them all out alive she'll think about it.

The spider drops a rock on them and then comes itself. It is half spider and half woman. She dropped the rock where it would separate the last sailor from Hercules and group.

Hercules recognizes the spider as Arachne, a beautiful, vain, cruel queen who threw her own child into the sea and was cursed by the gods. she stays in the shadows because she is ashamed by her appearance and light is her enemy. So they light the cave.

Arachne doesn't kill Paxon right away. She kisses him and implants something in him.

Hercules goes off to find the spider. Nebula tries to upset Iolaus by calling him short and "goldilocks" and teasing him about his friendship with Hercules. She disagrees about the motive and inserts a little sexual tension. Iolaus gives her her hand back from where she grabbed and told her he knew her, she was the woman his mother warned him about. And he grabs back. LOL

Iolaus and Nebula spread oil everywhere. Hercules throws fire bombs into the caves he doesn't want Arachne to go in. Hercules doesn't find her. She arrives and Hercules pushes Nebula out of the way. He drops the torch and it lights the oil in the channel and traps Iolaus on the other side. Arachne grabs him and runs off with him screaming "Hercules". Nebula tells him Iolaus is dead and we have to get out. Hercules tells her he doesn't give up on people and she should go if can live with herself.

Hercules finds the medallion on the ground. Iolaus is tied up in a cocoon like Paxson. Only a nasty baby spider thing comes out of his mouth. Arachne plans the same thing for Iolaus. she kisses him.

Hercules distracts her. she plans to make the son pay for the father's crime. Zeus curses her. Hercules fights her and is thrown into a lower level where he finds the bodies of the other men in the cocoons.

Nebula goes outside and the storm is over.

Arachne turns back to Iolaus. Nebula arrive and throws her little darts at her and throws her to the wall. Arachne comes back and grabs Nebula. Hercules lures Arachne down to his level. Nebula frees Iolaus and he falls on her. She tells him she prefers to be on top.

Arachne is building an army out of her babies. the web catches on fire. Hercules eventually shows her, her own reflection and she dies. Iolaus and Nebula fight off the babies. Iolaus wants a really big shoe.

Hercules returns the medallion and they leave. The ship survived. Hercules loads the treasure. Nebula puts her knife to his throat. Hercules replies that he's returning the treasure not her. she agrees that's a small price to pay. Someone has to save their butts and she grabs Iolaus' again and tell him she'll be waiting and calls him monkey boy which is a reference to earlier in the episode when she calls Herc a gorilla and Iolaus his chimp.

Disclaimer: The original website was severly harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, through the miracle of modern technology it was reinvented several centuries later.

Stranger in a Strange World

#V0130 (October 26, 1997)

Guest stars: Ted Raimi, Alexandra Tydings, Kevin Smith, Renee O'Connor, Lucy Lawless
Written by: Paul Robert Coyle
Directed by: Michael Levine

Hercules and Iolaus are in a fight and the guy Iolaus is about to hit just drops dead. Then we cut to a shot of the guy's head in a basket. Ares arrives to take on the killer of one of his best disciples. Hercules step in. Iolaus can see Ares because he is the one they are fighting over and the girl can't. She just sees Hercules fighting no one. Ares raises a sword over Hercules' head and gets hit by lightning. A portal (looks like the wormhole on DS9) opens up and the girl decides she was better off before Hercules and Iolaus rescued her. She leaves.

Iolaus walks toward the portal and Alt Iolaus comes through being chased by a bunch of other guys who grab our Iolaus and carry him back through the portal. Our Iolaus is then thrown at the feet of Alt Hercules who complements his disguise and then knocks him cold.

Alt Iolaus is the court jester and immediately tries to entertain Hercules

Our Iolaus wakes up in a jester outfit in a room with bars for a door andwhen the guards won't tell him what's going on he yells, "I'm not a numeral, I'm a free man!" LOL

Ares and Hercules admit that neither knows what's going on but both agree that Alt Iolaus is very annoying. Aphrodite show up and tells them that Zeus is dying.

Our Iolaus escapes

Hercules agrees to help Zeus if Zeus helps him find Iolaus. Ares is going, too, cause if something from that other world is killing Zeus Ares might be next. Aphrodite tells Hercules he should visit his father. Hercules tells her to tell Zeus he'll do what he can. Alt. Iolaus explains that he was running from bad Alt Hercules.

Our Iolaus finds Alt Hercules and realizes he's not the right guy. Our Hercules and Iolaus both realize that there must be two of everybody and when one dies they both die. It's Alt Hercules' wedding day and Iolaus is the best man. He's marrying Aphrodite, (Queen of the Gods). Zeus is dying here too. She has to marry Alt Hercules or Zeus will die and Alt Hercules will kill every mortal who opposes him. He plans to be king of the gods.

Enter Xena, sex toy extraordinaire. She has a secret stash of hind blood and that is what Alt Hercules is using to kill Zeus. She is after the power, of course!

Alt Ares, God of Love, pays our Iolaus a visit and wants him to find the hind blood so they can keep Zeus alive. Cupid is God of War.

Our Hercules and Ares fight to get Zeus to throw another lightning bolt and reopen the portal. Ares declines to fight. If Zeus dies he can take over.

Alt Hercules decides to celebrate his wedding with a few executions. Our Iolaus entertains the sovereign to get him to not execute the poor souls. Iolaus appeals to his heart and that finally makes him laugh and so he spares their lives but kills one for Xena. Iolaus gets upset and Alt Hercules has him locked up again with a bunch of goons and one of them is Joxer who is a real hero. Alt Joxer give Iolaus a knife to kill the sovereign with.

Alt Iolaus admits he is a spineless assassin and ran away. If the sovereign dies, our Hercules may die with him. Hercules bates Ares by destroying his temple.

Our Iolaus has never killed in cold blood and in order to save the world he has to kill his best friend and all the good he will do in the future. He knows Hercules would want him to do the greater good and agrees to kill the sovereign.

Ares arrives and the brothers fight.

The wedding begins. Alt Ares pronounces them king and queen. Alt Hercules stops Iolaus from killing him. Hercules and Ares are still fighting. The portal opens. A big fight is ongoing and Joxer gets the guard to open the cell. Joxer and company run upstairs and join in. Xena loses her locket, that must be where the hind blood is. Iolaus grabs the pendant. Alt Ares and Alt Aphrodite are now free to join in. Alt Hercules lets loose the executioner who turns out to be Gabrielle.

The portal opens on the Alt end and Iolaus makes a run for it with Joxer's blessing. Alt Iolaus agrees to try and be a hero when he gets back. the switch is made. Hercules enters the portal and punches the Alt Hercules who is trapped inside when the two ends close.

Disclaimer: No Heart-Throwing, Love-Spewing, Smooth-Talking Ares impersonators were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Two Men and A Baby


#V0122 (November 2, 1997)

Guest stars: Kevin Smith, Kimberley Joseph
Teleplay by: John Hudock
Story by: Kevin Sorbo
Directed by: Christopher Graves

Nemesis is running with the baby and is being chased by soldiers. The soldiers grab her and the baby floats downstream in a basket heading for the waterfalls. The soldiers want the baby.

Hercules is standing in the middle of the river catching fish with his bare hands and comes up with a baby in a basket (imagine that)

Nemesis rides up and kisses the baby. She tells Hercules that she has looked everywhere for him and here he rescues Evander. Evander is their baby, Hercules' and Nemesis'

Hercules gives Iolaus the baby and takes a walk with Nemesis. Hercules is upset because she didn't tell him. Meanwhile Iolaus teaches Evander how to fish. Hercules and Nemesis come back and Hercules takes out another fish with a rock (He threw it at the fish) Iolaus tells him he is a role model and should set a good example. So he takes the other fishing line and says it takes too long. Evander levitates a rock and pelts Iolaus in the back of the head with it. Then he pelts Hercules with one. Herc and Iolaus blame eachother for the pelting.

Nemesis leaves the baby with Hercules and Iolaus and sneaks off to lead the soldiers away. Hercules and Iolaus talk about Herc's being a father again and how he feels about Nemesis. They realize Nemesis is gone.

Ares and Discord discuss that Ares should have a castle and not a palace. The soldiers are working for Ares. He sends Discord and the soldiers after Nemesis and the baby, he wants them alive.

Hercules changes the baby and gets squirted in the face.

Discord catches Nemesis.

Hercules and Iolaus walk with the baby on Hercules' back. Iolaus follows and the baby levitates him. when Hercules turns around the baby looses sight of Iolaus and he crashes to the ground. Iolaus thinks it's the baby. Hercules thinks something is wrong with Uncle Iolaus.

Discord wants to know why Ares wants the baby. Nemesis won't tell her. Discord wanted Nemesis' job and couldn't have it.

Hercules and Iolaus stop to feed the baby. Iolaus has to take the milk from the cow but we don't get to watch. Let's just say Iolaus looks a little worse for wear and he says the cow looks worse.

The soldiers plan to burn Nemesis if the villagers don't give up the baby. Herc arrives and a fight insues. Discord lights the fire under Nemesis. Herc frees her and sends Iolaus off with Nemesis and the baby while he fights the soldiers. Iolaus sends Nemesis into the forest on a horse.

They all meet up later and Hercules wants to know the truth. Hercules says he will be the best Dad to Evander. Nemesis admits that Hercules is the one person that she trusts completely and she's lied to him. Ares is really the father and if Ares gets his hands on the baby he'll turn Evander into a monster. Hercules says that they will raise Evander to be a good man.

Discord wants Ares to let her kill Hercules but she can't as Zeus says that gods can't kill eachother. Ares plans to use the baby's godly powers to kill Hercules.

The baby needs changed and "Uncle Iolaus" declines. Nemesis tells Iolaus that she still loves Hercules. He tells her that they would have helped her without the lie and Hercules feels the same way about her. Hercules takes Evander for a walk. He talks to Evander about how their fathers are not too reliable and their mothers are wonderful and as long as he's around no one will hurt him. Ares arrives and wants the baby. Hercules says no.

Hercules returns to camp to see that Nemesis and Iolaus are tied to a tree over a cliff and he has to give Ares the baby to save them. Hercules hands the baby over and tells Ares that he will be back for him. Discord has to travel on horseback as long as she has the baby. The baby can't teleport. Hercules saves Nemesis and Iolaus.

Discord considers drowning the baby. Ares stops her.

Hercules, Iolaus and Nemesis track the horse to the castle. A fight breaks out and Evander levitates a box and hits Discord with it knocking her off the battlements. Hercules gets Evander to fly to Nemesis so he can fight Ares. Evander helps Uncle Iolaus fight the soldiers by lifting him up in the air.

Ares decides that Hercules can keep the brat it's not worth the aggrivation. the brat is too goody, goody like Hercules. Iolaus and Hercules take Nemesis and Evander home and Iolaus goes on to the bridge to them a few minutes. Hercules tells Nemesis she has him to turn to if she needs to. Hercules tells Evander he'll be back to see him every chance he gets, to teach him stuff and help him cause he's not like everyone else. He's special and he can make a difference. It's not an easy life to live but he'll always be around to help.

Disclaimer: No Fire-Breathing, levitating, neo-natal sons of a god were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Prodigal Sister

#V0125 (November 9, 1997)

Guest stars: Dean O'Gorman, Katrina Browne, Tina Cleary
Written by: Robert Blielak
Directed by: Gary Jones

A father is marking his child to ID them. The villiage is about to be raided by amazons and the father makes the boy promise that if anything happens to him and his mother that the brother will take care of the sister. The amazons arrive and destroy the village killing the adults and taking the female children. The parents are killed defending the children and the girl is taken away while the boy is left there for dead. The two childen have matching bird marks on their hands.

Thirteen years later the boy is a slave and is chained to several others. (one of which is blind and is the same actor who played young Iolaus in Regrets...) Hercules informs the slave trader that slaves are not allowed in this provence. A big fight results in the slaves being freed. The blind boy is the brother, Ruan, and asks Hercules to help him find his sister.

Hercules agrees to help him try and find out what happened to the sister. Hercules and the boy will have to work for their passage on the ship. That's fine with him. They run into Ephany and her son, Xenon, (remember the Centaur Cesearan?) who are just coming off the ship. She's taking Xenon to the Centaur colony so he can get to know his father's side of the family. She said her timing is bad because several bands of amazons have split off from the amazon nation. There were renegade bands about the time the sister was taken and they were mostly killed off but some were assimiliated into the nation. Ruan reacts violently to the presence of Ephany when she is revealed to be an amazon

The sister, Sery, trains young amazons to fight. She has one trainee, Lucine who is good at stringing bows and not good at fighting or holding a sword. The amazons are about to attack another village. They plan to take back their ancestral lands. Lucine is not ready but goes anyway.

Hercules explains to Ruan that if his sister is alive she is an amazon and Ruan says she'd be better off dead.

Lucine is stabbed when she hesitates and doesn't kill a father who is trying to protect his daughter. She is brought back to camp and she's dying. She asks about seeing her birth family on the otherside and dies in Sery's arms.

Hercules and Ruan find the place where his parents were killed. Two survivors of the amazon attack find Hercules at the tavern and Hercules believes they will attack that villiage next so he orders that the men gather to defend the village.

The sister is asked to give the speech before the attack and is possibly in a position of becoming an amazon leader. They attack the village. Even blind Ruan can fight. His sister sees him and cuts him, knocks him to the ground and is about to cut out his heart. Hercules stops her and sees the mark on her hand. The amazons retreat while Hercules is picking Ruan up. Hercules tells Ruan that the amazon who almost killed him was his sister.

The leader, Mayhem, tells the sister that if Sery, kills Hercules the fight will go out of the rest of them. Then they must kill them all.

Hercules tells Ruan that he handled himself well with the staff and Ruan feels it's not deadly enough and is sharpening a sword and he plans to kill all the amazons he can and he will take care of his sister one way or another no matter how many amazons he has to kill.

Sery goes after Hercules with a cross bow and he catches her arrows ands tells her that Ruan is her brother. He wants her to talk to Ruan. She tells him that the Amazons are her family. Hercules tells her the truth and repeats his request to meet with Ruan and hear the truth. She finally agrees to meet when the moon is high.

Mayhem promises Sery that she will become the new leader someday after they reclaim their lands. Ruan takes a knife with him and Hercules takes it away telling him that tonight he will talk and listen. They arrive and multiple amazons arrive and take Hercules and Ruan captive.

Hercules tells Mayhem that he won't let her kill the villagers. Hercules tells her to fight her battles in the courts and that what she's doing will divide the amazon nation. Sery and Ruan talk and argue. She doesn't want to hear the truth.

Sery wants the morning ritual to be the fire stakes to find out who's really lying Mayhem who says Sery was abandoned or her brother who says an amazon killed their parents. Hercules offers to take Ruan's place as Ruan is blind. Hercules busts his own binding ropes before they can untie him.

The leader and Hercules each stand on opposite sides of a pit which is set on fire and they have to fight standing on little logs that are crossing the pit about 3 feet apart. The leader is thrown temporarily out of combat and Sery fights him. Ruan recognizes the leader's voice. She admits her lie and falls into the pit. Ruan escapes and fights Sery. Hercules stops them and asks if that's what they really want. They stop.

The amazons hold a funeral for Mayhem. Sery calls off the war because it cost her everyone who was important to her. She asks Ruan to take her to their village. He takes her to the place where their parents were killed and she remembers and takes his hand. Hercules walks off into the woods.

Disclaimer: the amazon Hokey Pokey wasn't harmed during the production of this motion picture. In fact this catchy number is now being performed in dance clubs around the country.

...And Fancy Free

#V0132 (November 16,1997)

Guest stars: Willa O'Neill, Stuart Devinie, Jay Saussey and also starring Edith Sidebottom as the Widow Twanky
Written by: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Directed by: Michael Hurst

Our story begins at a dance contest (check out the brass section of the band, it's very strange and blows smoke) where a young couple are preforming. A homely girl with braids is standing on the side wishing she could dance. The other girls obviously talk about her and tease her. The town is named Rumba, the dance capital of Greece. the little girl has no dance partner.

Now, Althea, the homely girl, is older. She bumps into Hercules, literally. He asks what road leads to Kroton and notices that sha has dropped her necklace. Hercules follows her to Rumba to return the necklace. He arrives to hear the magistrate giving a sermon about how they must dance by the rules to please the muses and they must not dance above their place and upset the muses by making up their own steps. New steps will get you disqualitifed at the Pan Athenia.

Hercules witnesses the other girl tripping Althea and telling her she's got two left feet and that no one's crazy enough to dance with her. Hercules immediately volunters to be her partner.

Hercules admits he knows nothing about dancing but they enter anyway. Althea says not to worry as she has been working on some steps. Hercules returns the necklace and Althea says her mother gave it to her before she died. Then she is off to make lunch and introduce Hercules to her father.

Over dinner, Althea's father makes things very uncomfortable for poor Herc. Althea asks if he can stay with them a few days, her father says he is building a cistern out back and Hercules offers to help. Hercules can stay in the barn.

Althea makes Hercules some lemonade and is in awe of the rippling muscles. Althea didn't tell her father about the contest. She was afraid that he wouldn't let her enter, he's never gotten over her mother's death. Hercules says he'll dance with her if she tells her father they entered.

The first practice session. Althea dances the spastic style of dance. Hercules decides they are going to need some help.

The competition is upset because uncle let Hercules enter the contest. Hercules and Althea go looking for a dance teacher and they have all been turned against them. They have five days. As they are about to give up, they hear music which leads them to Widow Twanky's house! Insert musical number here. Sorry I'm not even gonna try to describe this. They accept her as a dancing teacher.

The Lessons begin. Lesson 1, rhythm is life. The beat is everywhere.

Hercules is called before the magistrate who is concerned that they have done nothing to honor Hercules' visit. He invites Hercules to be a judge at the contest. Hercules declines. The magistrate is afraid if Althea loses the contest she will be crushed. Hercules isn't buying it.

Althea tells Herc he's the best thing that's ever happened to her and she loves him. They talk about it and she asks if Herc will forget her when he leaves. He replies how could he forget her she was his first dance partner. awwwww.

The bad guys trap Hercules and Althea on the bridge. They start cutting the ropes. and turn the log pile lose. Herc and Althea jump over the logs and she wants to quit. The contest is not wirth dying for. Hercules convices her that her dreams are worth fighting for.

Lesson 2: finding the rhythm of the steps.

Meanwhile the competition is looking for a new partner and selects Travoltis. The magistrate is told that Hercules and Althea escaped this morning.

Hercules' turn to learn the steps, when he says he doesn't twirl, Widow Twankey informs him he does it everyday and attacks him. Hercules must "twirl" to avoid her. "Fightings very essense is like a dance and you, my hunky Herc, are a natural."

Then, Twanky asks if Herc's ever fought with a partner? Herc says yes and then she asks him to imagine that she is Iolaus. They dance. Then after the two partners (Herc and Althea) pledge to catch each other if they should fall, it's time to learn the Twanky twiddle.

Lessons begin in earnest.Then, It's the morning of the competition and Althea doesn't think she can do it. Twanky tells her that her mother said the same thing. Althea's mother was a student of Twanky's. Now Althea's upset because her father never told her. Hercules goes after her.

Althea confronts her father. Dad admits he was her mother's partner and Althea's mother refused to follow the rules and they were banned from the contest forever. Her mother died of a broken heart and that's why he won't let Althea dance. Althea says he can't stop her. Hercules tells Dad if he doesn't let her dance he will break her heart.

Althea runs back to Twanky who has been tied up and the baddies are there and threaten to break Althea's legs. Of course, Hercules arrives and informs them they are not his type of dance partners.

Twanky informs Hercules he's not going to the Pan Athenia dressed like that. Althea's father gives her his blessing to finish what her mother started.

After a very dramatic dance entrance, the baddies attack and our favorite couple turn it into part of the dance, of course. The magistrate tries to disqualify them because now the muses will turn their backs on them for making up their own steps. Hercules informs him otherwise and tells everyone that the muses inspire us to find what's already in our hearts.

Twanky declares everyone should dance. Althea asks Hercules for the last dance and he tells he's afraid he has to get in line. There is a whole line of boys just waiting to dance with her. Twanky makes him dance with her. Herc tells her he has to go find Iolaus and she drags him onto the dance floor anyway.

Disclaimer: The Widow Twanky, once again on top of the dance world with the success of the Hercuels Hustle was not harmed or tripped during the production of this motion picture.

If I Had a Hammer...

#V0127 (January 12, 1998)

Guest Stars: Robert Trebor, Cory Everson, Meighan Desmond,
Writer: Paul Robert Coyle
Director: Steve Polivka

Salmoneus is running an art fair. He lures Hercules in to pose for the artists. A king wants a new centerpiece and will donate a large amount to the home for poor war orphan's minus Salmoneus' finder's fee for the new work of art. Salmoneus wants Hercules to be judge and to pose for the artists. Salmoneus wants him to take off his shirt. Hercules says there is draft. Salmoneus bullies him into it. Then, suggests why stop at the shirt. It's for orphans, what's a draft. Hercules at least wants a curtain to change behind.

Atalanta arrives wearing a dress. She wants to try living in a woman's world instead of competing in a man's world all the time. She has a boyfriend with her named Curtaeus. She wants a social life and not to be one of the guys. Curtaeus goes to get something to drink and is pestered by Atalanta's competition in the smithing business. They throw him in the water trough and Hercules has to take them on and all their relatives. Atalanta helps revealing her warrior side to her new fella who is intimidated by her muscles and leaves. Hercules tells her Curtaeus is not the one for her. She leaves in a huff as well replying sarcastically that Hercules isn't the one either and they'll always be friends. She goes back to work in her forge.

Hercules is persuaded to pose 'au'naturel'. He changes in a bush and comes out wearing nothing but a bunch of grapes and lot of embarrassment. The artists get to work in a variety of mediums. Hercules is gonna be here awhile. Atalanta also gets to work and makes a golden statue of Hercules. The competition hangs out outside wondering what she's up to in there. she speaks to her statue of Hepheastus and says that if she can't have Hercules this is the next best thing. The perfect man, forged of fire and steel with no blood in his veins. He can't disappoint her or hurt her or make her cry. Maybe that's her fate, too, to be a living breathing sculpture of muscle and flesh, apart from everyone, alone forever. The competition sneaks in for a look and the woman wants to take her on but the man reminds her that they should wait till Hercules leaves. They decide to wait for Atalanta to return and jump her anyway. The statue of Hepheastus glows and launches a beam of flame at the statue of Hercules bringing it to life. They run away and Atalanta returns to find a living breathing Hercules there. (Of course, he arrives wearing Herc's clothes which weren't on the statue.)

The statue come-to-life is a child. He doesn't know about anything. He sees the horse eating hay so he tries it. He sticks his finger in the fire, etc. Atalanta hears people outside and goes out leaving little Herc alone. Discord arrives and opens the door to let him outside.

It's time for Hercules to pick a winner in the art contest. While he is debating the merits of artists such as Xerox, Picassus, Da Vinchium, and Warhaulius. There is a little girl helping Hercules decide. A man comes and says the mine caved in. Hercules leaves to help.

Atalanta returns to find her Hercules gone. He is out wandering around and finds a man in need of help with his stuck wagon which he throws into a pond. He likes helping.

The real Hercules holds up the mine entrance while they get everybody out. Meanwhile the statue Herc arrives in town and Salmoneus tries to get him to choose the winner. The little girl tries to tell Salmoneus that he's not right and Salmoneus sends her away. Discord arrives while Herc is playing with the paints and convinces him that they don't like him and they are making fun of him and he should destroy them. So he has a tantrum and wrecks the place.

Hercules bumps into Hercules. Atalanta shows up. Hercules is not thrilled. Atalanta promises to keep a closer eye on him.

Statue Herc with Discord's help prepares dinner (mushroom soup) while Atalanta is out working. He serves her dinner with Discord prompting him. He tries to kiss her and she pushes him away. She realizes Hercules was right and this was a big mistake. She sends him to the barn. Discord tells him about the men who want to hurt Atalanta and that a real man would defend his lady's honor. So that's what he does. He snapped Swilliest's neck like a twig.

The real Hercules has a bad feeling about it when he sees the body.

Atalanta explains to statue Hercules that he is a child and there can't be anything between them. It wouldn't be right. He gets mad and tells her that he defended her honor and saved her from Swilliest and she's supposed to be happy. He starts tearing up the barn. The real Hercules shows up and goes into the barn to calm him down to discover he's left out a hole in the barn wall. Discord reveals herself.

Salmoneus explains to the angry villagers that there are two Hercules' and that the real Hercules is handling it. They chase off after him anyway.

Atalanta and Hercules go after him. Atalanta has realized that she was pretending to be someone she's not.

Statue Hercules meets Salmoneus in town. The real Hercules stops him from hurting Salmoneus. (Atalanta catches him). He almost hurts Atalanta and realizes what he's done. Hercules offers to help him. The villagers arrive and attack. while the real Hercules is stopping the villagers statue Hercules takes Atalanta. He's jealous of how Atalanta feels toward Hercules and vows to get him out of the way. Discord is waiting for them back at the barn. The real Hercules arrives and they fight. The real Hercules kicks the statue Hercules back into the fire of the forge. Discord sets the barn on fire and brings the roof down on Atalanta. Hercules clears the debris from her but he can't hold up the beam and pull her out at the same time. The statue comes out of the fire and holds the beam so that Hercules can rescue her. Hercules tries to go back in for him but can't, the flames are too high.

Salmoneus arrives with a new dress for Atalanta to replace the one that was ripped to shreds in the first fight. She thanks him but refuses, she knows who she is now and she's not going to hide that again. Salmoneus tries to persuade her to pose for a papyrus pin up for Gentleman's quarterly scroll. The little girl comes back and gives Hercules a drawing she's made of him. Hercules declares her the winner of the art fair.

Disclaimer: Hercules proved once again the true measure of a man is not the size of his grapes but the size of his heart.

Hercules on Trial

#V0134 (Jan 18, 1998)

Guest Stars: Kevin Smith, Lisa Chappell, John Sumner,
Writer: Robert Bielak
Director: John Laing

A man is masquerading as Hercules. A woman runs into the tavern, her child was playing in a mine and it has collapsed. The fake Hercules runs in and holds up the ceiling while the parents try and dig them out.

Hercules and Iolaus arrive ( 3 earrings!!!) A man tells them what has happened and that Hercules is inside. Hercules and Iolaus run in and Hercules holds up the ceiling in another place while Iolaus helps the father get the child out. Hercules props up the ceiling and turns to see the fake Hercules collapse under the weight and be crushed by the cave in. Hercules tries to get to him but the ceiling collapses the rest of the way and Hercules nearly doesn't get out.

They go to the tavern and Iolaus explains that this is the real Hercules. A man comes into the tavern, the provincial magistrate, and arrests Hercules for the death of the fake Hercules saying he was responsible. Hercules knows the man. He also brings Spencias, the government prosecutor.

Hercules, confused, goes peacefully. Iolaus follows and asks why he doesn't just break out. He didn't kill Kazankas. Hercules says that would make it look like he has no faith in the system. Hercules gives his word to his friend the magistrate that he won't break out until after the trial.

Ares arrives to gloat. He wishes he was behind this but he's not.

Iolaus tries to talk the Prosecutor out of the charges. Iolaus says Hercules didn't let anybody die, he just couldn't save them all.

They hold a pretrial hearing and Hercules is not allowed to speak. It's for the prosecutor to state his case. Hercules is accused of involuntary manslaughter, undermining the authority of the gods, denying the authority of our government, encouraging rebellion. Hercules denies the charges. Spencias says Hercules is responsible for Kazankas' death because he encourages people of act like him and be like him.

The widow testifies. She said that after Kazankas met Hercules his whole life changed. He ended up leaving the family to go out and be like Hercules. The court lets the charges stand and set his trial for Athens for 1 week from that day.

Iolaus visits Hercules in jail and brings food which he eats instead of Hercules. Iolaus has heard the Spencias has never lost a case. Again Iolaus suggests breaking out but Hercules has to clear his name. More witnesses come forward at the trial about how Hercules couldn't save their property or others.

Iolaus visits again and Dierce arrives to represent him. She and Iolaus go off looking for people to testify to all the good that Hercules has done. Kassandra testifies about the distruction of Atlantis. Spencias attacks her visions and the myth of Atlantis.

Hercules asks Deirce what if he goes to prison? How will he help people then? He wants to testify for himself. She says no and he speaks anyway. He says that self sacrifice is the most selfless act a human is capable of and asks them not to take away from Kazankas' act by making Hercules responsible.

After his speech Dierce informs him that they will probably drop the manslaughter charge but that Spencias wants him on the sedition charge and if convicted he'll be banished from all of Greece.

Spencias questions the wife of Hercules' prisoner, Dirk, from 'Mercenary' about Hercules' letting him go after he didn't like the verdict in Sparta. Hercules put himself above the law when he made that decision.

Daedalus testifies for Hercules. Spencias blamed Hercules for Icarus' death by telling him to follow his heart. Hercules wonders how many others have died for trying to live up to his standards. Dierce tries to be positive.

Ares shows up. He's trying to understand why Hercules is not angry. He explains that he and Hercules both want the same thing for this world. Order, perfect order. Ares offers to make Hercules his partner.

Queen Melissa testifies. Jason and Alcmene arrive and Jason testifies about the first expedition for the fleece and how Hercules helped him reclaim his life after being a drunk in the second expedition. Spencias twists it all around by asking how many died in the expeditions so they could have glory.

Alcmene visits Hercules in jail. He tells her he's just trying to go along with the system and she says she taught him to do that. He assures her he will be fine.

Iolaus and Deirce arrange for Iolaus to testify for the prosecution. Spencias asks Iolaus about his dying and Hercules bringing him back across and too bad the others didn't know Hercules as well so he could arrange to have them sprung. Hercules takes offense and states that Spencias doesn't like a man trying to make a difference. Spencias replies that there is no place in a civilized world for heroes and no need for them anymore.

Spencias brings up Hercules' family and tells him it was his heroic behavior that cost his wife and children their lives. Hercules thinks maybe if he wasn't so independent about doing things his way maybe things would have been different. Iolaus disagrees and reminds him that was just Hera.

A woman comes running up to Iolaus in the town and tells him that Mong is destroying their village and they need Hercules to help. Hercules can't go because he's in jail. Again Ares visits and taunts him with thoughts of what his rampaging warlords will do maybe even burn his mother's house. Hercules gets mad and knocks a hole in the wall. Ares slips out of the way and shows him vision of a bloody war that he won't be able to prevent in exile. Hercules assures him the this court will set him free and he will see Ares in Plethos.

Iolaus tries to stop Mong who appears to have a toothache. He and the villagers are not doing too well. Hercules arrives and knocks out Mong's bad tooth. He arrives back at the trial.

Hercules interrupts Spencias' speech about how Hercules disrupts the 'perfect order' and agrees with him he does bend the law when it's necessary. It's the spirit of the law that is important and he does try to inspire people to be more than they are capable of being and if this is sedition then he is guilty. Also it is the hero that is on trial here. The person who is willing to give up his life for another. This is what raises us up above the animals and makes us more than what the gods would have us believe we are. If he's guilty of this then he's proud of it and if he's guilty of sedition, he's proud of that too and they might as well sentence him. He offers his hands and tells them to take him.

Iolaus comes forward and says "No take me. I'm Hercules. I think like him. I try to be like him. If you think what he's doing is wrong you'll have to banish me too"

Then Jason and the others come forward all saying they are Hercules including Kazankas' wife. the magistrate says if they proceed, he will have to banish himself also. Case dismissed.

Hercules visits with the widow briefly and she thanks him for the effect he had on her husband who had lost his way. Iolaus interrupts them reminding Hercules that they have a war to stop in Plethos. People congratulate him on the way out of town.

Disclaimer: Due to extensive DNA testing. Hercules was proved innocent during the production of this motion picture.

Medea Culpa

#V0315 (January 25, 1998)

Guest stars: Jeffrey Thomas, Dean O'Gorman, Chris Conrad, Jacinda Barrett, Ian Bohen
Written by: Robert Bielak, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Directed by: Charles Siebert

Hercules, Iolaus and Jason are fishing. Jason and Hercules both get a bite. Iolaus declares that the one who lands the biggest fish doesn't have to cook. Of course Hercules' is twice as big. They reminisce about when they were kids and ran into Medea and how lucky it was that they were together.

Young Hercules and Iolaus arrive and are greeted by Jason who has been king for a year. There is tension between Hercules and Jason. Jason wants to go along with the council and set up a curfew for people under 18 and Hercules thinks maybe Jason is going along to get along. So to settle the argument Hercules and Jason race in chariots and the winner wins the argument.

A little girl appears before them right in their path and Hercules has to jump from his chariot to save her. Jason wins the race. Hercules talks to the girl and finds out her name is Cloe and her parents are dead, killed by the Gidra.

Hercules decides he has to go slay the monster before if can attack amy more villages. Jason and Iolaus will go with him. Iolaus decides that this could make them all famous; free food, women wanting them to sign their bare naked flesh... Hercules doesn't need to brag about all the women he knows. Jason and Iolaus decide he sounds like a virgin. Hercules picks them up and tells them that he wants his first time to be special and is that a problem for the two of them? Of course it isn't at least not while their feet are swinging 2 feet off the ground.

Iolaus senses a naked woman bathing. They do spy a woman but she's wearing clothes. Iolaus and Jason decide that they have to help her. They can't leave her here with a monster around. they arrive on the beach and she's not around. She comes up behind Iolaus and grabs him and holds a knife at his throat. Hercules admits they are 3 morons who should have known better than to interfere with a woman's privacy. She asks what they are doing and then decides to go with them. They look like they need some help. She released Iolaus and they agree to let her come along. she tells them her name is Medea.

She tells Hercules that she left home when she and her step father had a difference of opinion about how a good daughter should act. Evidently living in the forest on her own was not his idea of what was right.

Hercules admits he doesn't get along with his father either. Jason and Iolaus console each other that it looks like they won't get the girl. They hear a scream. and find a village under attack by bandits. They chase off the bandits. Hercules saves Medea from an airborne axe. They are told that the village was destroyed by gidra and then the bandits came to pick over what was left.

A woman comes carrying a small boy who Hercules says is dead but Medea pushes him out of the way and heals the boy. Both her parents were mortal so she has no idea where her gift came from. Jason and Iolaus decide to scout ahead and leave these two "wonderful" people to discuss how wonderful they are.

Hercules and Medea discuss that she should go back home and face her step father who used to lock her up. Hercules agrees to go with her for support. They need a boat to cross the sea. Iolaus knows a guy and they all agree to meet back at the shore to leave. Jason is resentful of the situation with Hercules and Medea.

Hercules and Medea find the village destroyed and her mother dead. she says she shouldn't have left. Hercules tells her she can't blame herself and that she doesn't' have to be so tough around him. They return and set sail. Hercules and Medea share a blanket on deck. she thanks him for helping her find the strength to face the truth. He admits he was a little afraid of her at first and that he gets tongue-tied around women. They kiss.

Iolaus and Jason share a bed below decks and Jason can't sleep. Iolaus accuses him of being jealous. On deck Hercules has a hard time saying no but eventually makes it stick.

The next morning they dock and Medea goes with Jason to round up some provisions for the rest of the trip. Hercules thinks she's mad at him. Iolaus asks what happened last night. Iolaus consols Hercules by telling him that if nothing happened because he didn't want to it then that was for the best. Hercules doesn't want to mess up a good thing. Iolaus tells him that most men are pigs himself included and that she probably didn't know how to act around a real gentleman.

Hercules and Iolaus catch Jason kissing Medea. Hercules and Jason fight and Hercules doesn't want anything else to do with Medea. Jason tries to apologize.

Iolaus chases after Hercules and tells him that it's hard to be his friend. That guys like him and Jason will be lucky if they are mentioned in the same breath as Hercules but that they are better for having known him and that Hercules could be better for knowing Jason. He should come back and let them help him slay the gidra.

Medea and Jason both admit that they were wrong. Jason want to help Hercules with the gidra and won't let Medea heal his cut. She decides to make him a poultice. She goes to gather herbs. Hera appears to Medea in the form of the little girl. Medea has an agreement with Hera. Turns out Medea's step father robbed her of her innocence. Hera has promised her power to destroy any man who wrongs her if she splits Jason and Hercules long enough for Hercules to be killed by the gidra.

Hercules and Iolaus arrive at the cave where the gidra lives. Medea tries to stop Jason and Hera threatens to kill Jason. Medea tells him to run. Hera zaps him.

Hercules and Iolaus face the gidra. Medea heals Jason and they head for the cave.

Hercules and Iolaus are having trouble. Jason and Medea arrive. All three go after it. Iolaus gets a little singed. they kill the beast.

Medea apologizes for not seeing him for what he is. Hera appears and threatens Hercules with a horrible death. Hera takes Medea away with her.

Hercules and Jason agree to still be friends.

The adults all agree that the real victim of the adventure was Medea whose wounds ran so deep they all felt them.

Disclaimer: No Two-headed, fire-breathing, regenerating Gidras were harmed during the production of this motion Picture.

Men in Pink

#V0317 (February 1, 1998)

Guest stars: Bruce Campbell, Lacey Kohl, Peter McCauley, 'Special Guest stars: Edith Sidebottom as The Widow Twanky' and 'Robert Trebor as Salmoneus'
Written by: Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman
Directed by: Alan J. Levi

Salmoneus is counting the money that King Tolus intends to give to the poor. His brother kills him in his sleep. Autolycus arrives to steal the money. Salmoneus says it's an honor to be robbed by him. They discuss that they both know Hercules. They hear a scream and find the king staggering. He falls into Salmoneus' arms as he holds the knife. Autolycus tries to run away and Salmoneus leaps at him and tags along. they are both on the run now. They end up running down an alley and through a door to the backstage of a theater where Twanky is rehearsing an all-girl show. Autolycus and Salmoneus decide to join to troupe to elude the soldiers.

They choose dresses and Auto decides they have to shave Salmoneus' beard. The king's brother (the real murderer) wants the city searched thoroughly and them found.

Autolyca and Salmonella approach Twanky about joining the show. She asks about their qualifications. They try to show her their legs and she just wants to know what steps they know. They reply that they know the mamba, and the tango and the chachi and joni. Twanky tells them that their positions are all filled at the moment. Salmonella starts crying and so Twanky lets them be understudies. She goes over the rules her 'tulips' live by: in bed after the second show, no alcohol or junk food, and no men. Then, she tells them to take a seat and watch.

Cupcake, definitely a 'Marilyn Monroe-type bombshell', rehearses her rather sexy number. Autolycus is definitely affected by it. They are staying at a fancy Athens hotel. Twanky is about to hand out the room assignments when she finds a cupcake on the floor. She looks at Cupcake and asks if it is hers. Cupcake is about to confess when Autolyca says she cannot tell a lie and it was Salmonella's. Cupcake is eternally grateful to Autolyca. Twanky grabs Salmonella by the ear and sends her to her room for the afternoon while the rest of them are enjoying the spa.

In the spa Autolyca gets to know Cupcake a little better as they discuss her sweet tooth and what she likes in a man. Her 'man' must be kind to animals and have a sweet tooth as well. Meanwhile upstairs Salmoneus is fuming over how he got into this mess when there is a knock at the door. The King's brother is instantly attracted to her.

Autolycus returns with a suitcase he's lifted from someone and changes into a very dashing outfit to go woo Cupcake with. He accidentally bumps into Cupcake coming out of the spa. he introduces himself as Farsiperus von Baklava, esquire. He introduces her to his dog, Cream Puff, who he named after his greatest culinary creation. She falls instantly in love. Twanky hustles the girls to their rooms and breaks up the conversation telling Autolycus that he will have to go through her to get to her Cupcake.

Autolycus arrives back at the room to find Salmoneus in the tub shaving his legs. Cupcake knocks on the door and comes in. Autolycus jumps in the tub with Salmoneus. Lots of bubbles hide their masculinity. Cupcake tells Autolyca that she has met her man! Twanky comes in and asks, "And who do we think we are? Xena and Gabrielle?" She tells them to hurry up the stage awaits.

Backstage Twanky runs in all flutter. Two of the girls have food poisoning, so the understudies are on and with their dancing experience the Hoochie, Coochie, Jiggle Wiggle should be no problem at all. Cupcake says they are braver then she. She'd be too embarrassed to go out there and get naked.

Twanky introduces the group to the crowd at the Athenaeum Royal Palladium. Salmoneus panics back stage and Autolycus want to make like Zeus and bolt but the king's soldiers are everywhere. The curtain goes up. and out they come. And start stripping. Salmonella throws her boa to the King's brother who imagines bringing her home and having children with her. In reality they hold big feather fans in front of their nakedness. Salmonella gets roses and an invite to go to the castle for dinner. Autolycus steals the flowers and gives them to Cupcake with a note from Farsiperus asking to meet her at the gazebo.

She is there waiting for him. He tells a big story about being late cause he had to deliver twin yaks. He gives her a gift, a frosted doughnut ring on her finger. They kiss. Salmonella goes to the castle. The King's brother tells her he's never met anyone like her. He gives Salmonella a diamond necklace. she doesn't know what to say, he's the first man who's ever given her the family jewels.

Cupcake starts crying. She's so happy. she never thought a small town girl like her could ever meet a man like him. Most men lie and steal and lead double lives. She feels like she can trust him and she's his. He feels guilty now. Autolycus says he feels he respects her and he has to go.

The King's brother wants dessert. Salmonella isn't that kind of girl. He wants her to rule with him. He tells her he had his brother killed so that he could rule. The wig falls off.

Autolycus arrives back at the room in time for Cupcake to arrives to be upset about his leaving her. The King's brother arrives and grabs Cupcake thinking she's a man. Autolycus removes his wig and reveals himself as the man they want. They are both taken to the castle and the executioner is to be summoned.

All three are tied to a column in the castle dungeon. Autolycus apologizes. Autolycus gets his thieves tools out and cuts the rope just in time for them to escape.

Twanky says they are a few short so they'll have to improvise and she whipped off her long skirt to reveal a shorter skirt underneath and leads them out on the stage. Autolycus and Salmoneus arrive on stage by bursting through a flat. Twanky says it's about time you 'gentlemen' showed up. Autolycus says, "you knew?" she replies, "You stuck out like a sore thumb."

A fight ensues with the King's men until the King's brother arrives with a knife held to Cupcake's throat. Autolycus tells the audience who really murdered the King Cupcake escapes, Twanky throws a sword to Autolycus who cuts the rope holding Salmoneus in the air and drops him on the King's brother. they take their bows before a cheering audience. the King's brother is arrested.

Autolycus talks to Cupcake. He apologizes and says that when he told her he didn't deserve her he was telling the truth. As she walks away he tells her that the guy she's looking for is out there and he knows she'll find him. she replies, "Who knows, maybe you'll be that guy someday."

Twanky consoles Salmoneus over his feeling so used by the King's brother. He shows her the diamond necklace that he still has. Salmoneus asks her if she knew they were men why'd she let them stay. She replies that she thinks all men should walk a mile in women's shoes. They might learn a thing or two. Salmoneus agrees his feet hurt. Autolycus pinches Twanky. She invites them back anytime. there will always be a warm spot here for them. Autolycus throws a red boa over his shoulders and says, "You never know."

Disclaimer: Cupcake's sweet tooth was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, her love life experienced a slight set back.

Armageddon Now part 1

#V0319 (February 8, 1998)

Guest Stars: Kevin Smith, Hudson Leick, Liddy Holloway,
Writer: Paul Robert Coyle
Director: Mark Beesley

Ash rains down on a village. A glowing light coalesces into a female body made of what appears to be lava, kills a man and steals his cloak (presumably this is Hope)

Hercules is still working on the wall at Alcmene's. Iolaus sits on the wall eating and asking Herc what good this wall is going to be if it takes him forever to finish it and it doesn't have to be perfect. Alcmene comes out and tells Hercules there has been a message for him from Queen Lyta. Her daughter has run off and gotten married and King Darius is threatening to start a war over it. He's been making offerings to Ares and raising an army. Hercules promises his next visit will be longer.

Hope frees Callisto who really just wants to be left alone telling her that her work is not yet finished. She still has to rid the world of it's greatest hero, Hercules.

Darius went to Ares who gave him an arrow that Hephaestus forged. He promises that tens of thousands will die. Darius only wants his daughter back. Ares and Strife convince him that this is the right thing to do. That he's only doing what any good father would do. Hercules and Iolaus arrive and inform him that it will only cost him his soul. Hercules sends King Darius with Iolaus, he wants to talk to his brother. Hercules asks him if he has any scruples at all. Ares replied that the guy had potential and he'll find someone else. Hercules then pushes down a couple of columns and effectively buries the arsenal of weapons. strife threatens Hercules and gets punched for his trouble. Hercules leaves.

Callisto doubts Hope's plan. Hope tells her they will do it together. Callisto asks what Hope will do if she refuses. Hope says she needs a purpose. Callisto says she is a goddess and goddesses don't die, her life will never end and it was over in Cerra years ago. She did not want to be disturbed and Hope should just go away. Hope tells her she can redeem Callisto's life in ways she never thought possible.

Hercules and Iolaus talk to King Darius about his daughter and his wounded fatherly pride. They convince him he should throw her a wedding feast instead of start a war. He expects them both to attend.

Ares tells Strife he's a worthless excuse for a god and ends up punching him himself after Strife points out that Hercules' head isn't hanging from his belt yet either. Callisto arrives at Ares temple. Strife comments that she's a twisted sister and next to her the Furies are mellow. She blasts him with flame. they both agree that Hercules needs to be taken out. They meet in another place after knocking Strife on his butt again. Poor guys just can't help himself. Callisto and Ares open the portal to the alternate world. The Sovereign tumbles through.

The Sovereign comments that he likes the God of Love in basic black. Ares informs him that he's not in never, never land anymore, "you're in my yard, pal." They want his pendant with the Hind blood in it. They take it and vanish. The Sovereign realizes that this isn't his world. (real quick on the uptake this fella.)

Ares and Callisto discuss consummating their relationship. The plan is to let the Sovereign distract Hercules while they prepare to rape and pillage the countryside.

Hercules and Iolaus are having lunch and discussing the plans for the wedding feast. Iolaus is looking forward to the dancing girls. Hercules wants to see how Darius handles having a son-in-law under his roof. A man bumps into Hercules and is surprised to see him here since he was in Arcadia tearing the place up just this morning. They recognize the Sovereign from the man's description and head for Arcadia. Iolaus taking his food with him.

A guy calls the Sovereign Hercules and upset him so he starts tearing the place up again. Hercules and Iolaus arrive. They watch him rage a minute and discuss how to quickly defeat a guy who's as strong as Hercules. Hercules asks Iolaus how his throwing arm is. Hercules tells the Sovereign to behave and stop acting like a child. The Sovereign didn't like being trapped in that place and he's not going back. Hercules says he is and they both punch each other with equal force. Iolaus throws a bottle at him. It smashes at his feet and smoke comes out that puts the Sovereign to sleep. They used narcolepsis dust on him. They roll him over. Iolaus starts yawning. They realize the Hind blood is gone. Iolaus falls over. "Great! Wake up Iolaus , come on!" Hercules picks up the Sovereign and Iolaus staggers after him.

Hercules and Iolaus bring the Sovereign to the place where the portal opens up. Callisto and Ares are there waiting for them. They reopen the portal and the Sovereign is dragged toward it. Hercules throws Iolaus out of the suction (whew! didn't want to start that again...) And kicks the Sovereign into the opening. Hercules gets sucked in as well. Iolaus screams , "Hercules, No!" and falls to his knees.

The Sovereign and Hercules arrive at a barren place with rocks, "Just great! Welcome to my nightmare!" There is a road that leads to an endless circle. The Sovereign wants to kill Hercules.

Iolaus still sitting on the ground holding his head says, "Hercules, I don't know what to do."

Ares and Callisto celebrate. they end up fighting over the Hind blood.

Iolaus hears the fighting and goes looking for Ares.

Hercules and the Sovereign continue to fight.

Iolaus sneaks in and watches Ares and Callisto fight. Ares beats Callisto down. Hope arrives and tells Callisto her work is not done and to get up. She envelops Callisto in a glow. Iolaus us still watching from behind the planter or vase whatever it is. Callisto beats Ares to the ground and takes the Hind blood. she coats a knife blade with the hind blood. Ares tells Strife to take the blood back. She stabs Strife with t he knife and he dies. It even shakes the world between where Hercules and the Sovereign are.

Iolaus runs out of hiding and pronounces Strife dead. Ares grieves for Strife. Callisto and Hope are gone. Iolaus points out that Callisto didn't do this be herself. Ares tells him that the one great evil was here. It was part of that creature that was with her. All the gods have sensed it. "It spells the end for all of us, gods and man alike." Iolaus tells him that they have to stop it. They need Hercules. They had to get rid of Hercules, first. It's him they are afraid of. Ares says he's going to go to Zeus, "No, that's stupid, he'll blame me for getting Strife killed." Iolaus tells him it's callisto we have to worry about, "She played you for a sap and then she kicked your butt." Ares punches him and then agrees maybe he's right, "Let's get the witch." Iolaus follows him out still holding his face.

Hope tells Callisto that the first part is done. Hercules is gone and after the next bit Callisto will be able to live with a free heart. All gods have the ability to cross time eventually she will be able to master the gift but for now she will be shown the way. As long as she had the Hind's blood the other gods will not interfere.

Iolaus and Ares arrive just in time to see Callisto disappear. Hope reveals that she has gone back in time to stop Hercules ever being born. Iolaus realizes she's gone back to kill Alcmene. Iolaus tells Ares to go back and Ares says he can't leave with Strife dead someone has to look after things. Iolaus accuses him of being scared. Ares grabs Iolaus around the neck. Iolaus then says, "Ok, send me back. I'll go." Ares agrees. He says Iolaus will follow Callisto where ever she goes and if he comes back to the present, that's it. Make the most of it.

Ares sends him. He passes little bits of his past running backwards; fighting the skeletons (Once a Hero), the fight from Amazon Women, the bit from when the two boys shake hands at maybe 9 or 10, Alcmene holding the baby Hercules. then he's there.

He asks a woman if he's in Corinth. Yes, he is. Have they seen a tall woman, bad tempered. No, they haven't. Hercules? No, never heard of him. Alcmene? Yes, they know her all too well, the harlot. Her husband went off to war and she's with child....

Hercules and the Sovereign are still fighting. the Sovereign realizes this is getting them no where. Hercules want to try and find a way out. The Sovereign has been watching Hercules. He thought about him and the window popped up in a pool. He thinks about leaving Iolaus behind and he appears in the pool running from something. He touches the surface and the image disappears. The Sovereign tells him to get used to it. We can see the outside world but we can't get to it. Hercules says there must be a way.

Iolaus is still running. Alcmene sits in front of the grave of her husband and tells him that she knows it was him in her bed that night and that the baby must be his. But that they told her he was dead before he came to her so it must have been that their love was so strong that he came to her in spirit. Iolaus comes running up and tells her he is a friend.

Hercules is watching. Iolaus asks if she's seen any strangers and where's Iphicles? Iphicles is away with friends and no she hasn't seen any strangers. Iolaus tells her they have to get out of here. She informs him that she's not going anywhere with him and walks away. Callisto arrives and shoots flames at Alcmene. Iolaus screams, NO and the flames fill the screen.

To be continued..

Disclaimer: Once again, Alcmene's fence was not finished during the production of this motion picture.

Armageddon Now part 2

#V0320 (February 15, 1998)

Guest stars: Kevin Smith, Hudson Leick, Renee O'Connor, Lucy Lawless,
Teleplay by: Gene F. O'Neill and Noreen V. Tobin
Written by: Paul Robert Coyle
Directed by: Mark Beesley

Iolaus dives at Alcmene and pushes her to the ground. He pulls her up and they run away. Callisto appears before them and knocks Iolaus out of the way. She tries to flame the baby and Iolaus kicks her down. Callisto disappears. Iolaus and Alcmene run. Alcmene's not convinced that Iolaus is really there to help her.

Hercules suggests to the Sovereign that if they figure out where each other is coming from maybe it'll help them figure out this place that they are trapped in. The Sovereign is not interested.

Alcmene decides that this is all too strange and she can't deal with it, so she's going home. Iolaus tells her if she does that she'll die and so will the child within her. Iolaus and Alcmene are trying to reach the water tower with Callisto in hot pursuit.

Hercules points out to the Sovereign that if his mother is killed, the Sovereign's mother will be also and neither of them will be born. Which means that the Sovereign won't be stuck here with Hercules which is fine with him. then, he thinks about it and realizes that when Hera killed Hercules' family that's why the Sovereign's family died as well. so, he can blame Hercules for that and everything else that went wrong in his life. Hercules denies responsibility and tells him that "You are who you choose to be, we all are."

Iolaus is hiding under the water tower and baits Callisto by telling her that she will have to go through him to get to Alcmene. She blasts him, Iolaus jumps out of the way and she hits the base of the water tower knocking it over and sending the water toward her. Callisto is knocks down and washed away. Iolaus and Alcmene are off and running again

The Sovereign tries to kill Hercules again. They end up knocking each other out.

Alcmene asks why Callisto wants to kill her baby. Iolaus explains that her son, Hercules, will be a great hero and fight injustice. He'll be the most famous hero in history. Iolaus tells her that the man she thought was the baby's father was really Zeus. Alcmene's not sure she wants to believe him. They are off and running again.

Callisto tries to transport her self but she can't disappear.

Iolaus and Alcmene run into the barn. He tells Her about the Hind's blood and that if he can get it, they win. She asks if he would risk his life for her and her baby. He says her son has many times and that he'd gladly die to assure that her and her son would live. Iolaus says that he is who he is because of Hercules. His life was one of the many that was changed because Hercules was there. "And I love him like a brother." Alcmene tells him she was hoping for a girl "but with a friendship like yours, my son must be very special. He has a lot to live for." Iolaus runs out of the barn to confront Callisto. He calls her cupcake and asks to talk. He gets closer and grabs the pendant and dives into a haybale. He smears the Hind's blood on his knife. She pulls him out of the haybale by his feet and he leaves the knife on the other side of the bale. She takes back the pendant. She asks Iolaus where Alcmene is and he doesn't tell her. Callisto says it doesn't matter and turns toward the barn. Iolaus screams for Alcmene to run. Callisto blows up the barn.

Hercules and the Sovereign come to. Hercules looks into the pool and sees Iolaus at Alcmene's grave saying he's so sorry and now he's lost the best friend he's ever had. This will not go unanswered. He vows to find Callisto. The Sovereign taunts Hercules. Hercules tells him that with their mother's dead they can never leave this place because they don't exist out there anymore, unless he can reach Iolaus.

Iolaus is brought back to a different place in the changed timeline. He arrives in Cirra and realizes that Callisto has come to stop Xena from destroying her family. The local king goes to Xena with a treasure box hoping to buy her out of destroying his kingdom. She and Ares lament that no hero has come forward to try and stop them and how that would make things more interesting. The King offers her the Kronos stone. She throws it on the pile with the rest of the jewels. Hercules sees it from the looking pool.

Callisto follows her mother and younger self. Iolaus follows her. He still has the knife with the blood on it. He prepares to throw it and a man walks up behind him and puts a knife to his throat and asks if he'd like to join Xena's army.

Callisto tries to tell her parents not to go to the barn that they will all be killed but they don't listen.

Iolaus is brought before Xena. She assumes he's a mercenary intent on fleecing the flock before she does. She throws the knife at him and he catches it and puts it in his belt. He wants to talk to her. She throws her chakram at him. He deflects it and then she goes after him with a spear. She knocks him to the ground and tries to stab him. Iolaus tells her he knows about her birthmark. He tells her that her leftenant Darvis will betray her, that because of what happens here in Cirra, a little girl will become a monster goddess and that Xena can change all that. She pulls him up and asks if he can see the future. He replies that he's from the future. She's not buying it. He tells her he knows about her son. She asks who he is and they are interrupted. Iolaus uses the chance to disappear. Xena says to bring out all the women and children. They are going to waste this town.

The Sovereign decides that it's better punishment to let Hercules watch when he can't help. Hercules hears thunder and perhaps thinks of a way out.

Xena's men attack Cirra. Iolaus runs through the middle of it. He sees Callisto and follows. She goes into the barn and tells her mother and younger self that the village is burning and they are not safe. She tries to lead them out but her mother won't come. A soldier comes in to get them and Callisto kills him. A man enters the barn and Callisto throws her knife. The man was her father. Her mother takes the knife from his body and attacks Callisto with it. She flames her mother to stop her, leaving her younger self an orphan again. She takes her younger self and holds her, rocking her saying she's so sorry.

Iolaus is involved in the fighting. Callisto tells the girl that she has to die for both of them now. Callisto leaves her there to die in the barn fire. Iolaus sees Callisto come out, he's about to stab her with the knife when he hears a young girl call out. He runs into the burning barn and saves young Callisto. He turns her over to a villager and tells her it might help if she'd cry. She replies, "No, I will never cry." A monster is born.

Iolaus time travels again, this time to present day Corinth. He picks up a coin from the ground with a picture of Xena, the Conqueror on it. Xena comes out and Gabrielle is brought before her, charged with speaking out against her and inciting the people to revolt. Xena has her placed on the cross and legs broken. A hero is born?

Iolaus runs to Ares and begs to be sent back to put things right again. Ares asks him who he is and who Hercules is. Iolaus tells him that Hercules is the only one who can stop Xena. Ares asks why he'd want to stop her. She already rules the known world.

Hercules tries to get Iolaus to remember the Kronos stone through the looking pool. He does. Hercules tells him that Xena has it. Iolaus repeats what Hercules has just told him and then wonders how he could know that. The Kronos stone is in Xena's scepter. Unless Hercules told him. He gets all excited because Hercules is still alive.

The Sovereign asks what Hercules is doing. Hercules replies that he is making a key. Hercules shoves a long stick down in some rocks. The Sovereign replies that if he gets out, he'll just evaporate. Hercules replies "Not if Iolaus does what I think he'll do." Hercules warns the Sovereign to not stand too close to the pole. Of course, he then has to walk right up and grab it just as the lightning hits and gets himself knocked unconscious. Hercules thinks this is gonna work.

Iolaus sneaks around and grabs the scepter pulling the Kronos stone out of the top. He vanishes in time and reappears in the barn with Alcmene while he's still fighting Callisto outside. He grabs Alcmene and takes her out the back of the barn before Callisto blows it up. They survive the blast and Alcmene tells Iolaus that there is a 2 year old in the village called Iolaus who's always stealing pastries. She lets Iolaus feel the baby kick.

The lightning hits the rod and opens the portal. Iolaus returns to the present and Callisto knocks the Kronos stone out of his hands. She blasts it and melts the stone before he can get to it. He pulls out the knife and she blasts it out of his hands with fire. She never got to go back to Cirra because he saved Alcmene. The portal opens. Hercules comes out and starts fighting with Callisto. Iolaus grabs his knife and gets out of the way. Hercules picks her up off the ground and pitches her through the portal.

The Sovereign wakes up to see the portal close. Hercules and Iolaus greet each other. Hercules takes the knife with the Hind's blood on it and drives it into a stone and comments that the evil that started all this is still here and will have to be dealt with. Iolaus replies that Hercules is here to deal with it. "I mean, the two of us together..." Hercules agrees, the two together.

Hope watches the two men walk off.

Disclaimer: Although Alcmene's barn was blown to smithereens, remarkably she and Iolaus were not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Yes, Virginia, There is A Hercules

#V0318 (February 22, 1998)

Guest Stars: Bruce Campbell, Hudson Leick, Ted Raimi, Kevin Smith, Gina Torres, Robert Trebor
Written by: Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci
Directed by: Christopher Graves

Our story begins with recut scenes from the destruction of Atlantis. Then, Rob Tapert (Bruce Campbell) wakes up in bed from the dream. The phone rings and it's Eric Gruendemann (NZ producer) He asks how they weathered the earthquake and then tells him he's got some bad news. He calls Liz Friedman (Hudson Leick), also a producer who's boxing and has a picture of Rob with a bullseye drawn on it. she is shocked by the news as well. Jerry Patrick Brown (Kevin Smith), the head writer, is out playing war games in full camouflage gear when he gets the same call from Liz. Paul Robert Coyle (Michael Hurst) is having a bad day gambling in Vegas when he gets the call from Liz who hangs up on him after he propositions her.

Liz, Jerry and Paul meet at the office. Jerry thinks the office is bugged. Rob, the fisherman, arrives to start the meeting and decides that a couple of writers are missing. He calls his assistant, Melissa Blake(Lisa Chapell), to find them. She calls Alex Kurtzman (Ted Raimi) and Roberto Orci , who are asleep in their bunk beds. It seems that these two sleep at the office and arrive in their PJ's with their cokes and their pizza from a connecting room. The big announcement: Kevin Sorbo has disappeared. He didn't arrive in New Zealand on time.

Paul panics (No star, no paycheck, no kneecaps), Jerry wants to send a recon patrol after him. Rob sends for David Scott Pollison (Strife), the office production assistant, and orders him to find Sorbo. Jerry wants to base the story around Ares., clips from Judgement Day. Rob thinks it's a great idea, anything just to get to the fishing hole sooner. Liz disagrees she wants to do a show about Callisto, clips from Surprise. rob likes this idea, too and heads for the door. Alex has a problem. Ares and Callisto are both buy guys who are they gonna fight with, if they don't have a good guy around. They take a break. After watching a report on the earthquake Paul propositions Melissa and asks her to go to Vegas with her while she's making a shake for rob with rat poison in it. Rob decides he doesn't want that and to get Eric on the phone.

There is still no sign of Kevin. Eric has told the NZ crew that he's been delayed. Eric is afraid of a panic. These people have families to feed. Rob tells him not to worry, he's got the best people in the business working on the problem. (Yeah, the "people" are all having a gang toilet break, they hum the Hercules theme while they relieve themselves)

The head of the studio calls and he's on his way over. General panic insues. B.S. Hollinsfoffer (Robert Trebor) arrives. He wants to do Hercules the Musical, clips from ...And Fancy Free. Davy calls in the middle and spills the beans about Kevin being missing. Paul panics and tells all. Rob and B.S. have a slapping fit and Rob quits right after he is fired. B.S. then fires everyone. Paul stops it and says something about the viewers not knowing there isn't a star. They could get Hercules all caught up in the vortex to that parallel world, clips from Stranger in A Strange World. Then, all the other characters could run around trying to work together to save the world from the Sovereign, Liz reminds him that Kevin Sorbo played the Sovereign.

They all try to leave and B.S. stops them and rehires them. Someone has to deal with this. He's off to an emergency meeting of the board and then he'll be back. Rob decides it's time to find another Hercules.

Enter Beth Hymson (Gina Torres), Casting Director. She is a sex pot who brings in her gardener to play the part. He wants to know what his motivation is, clips from Two Men and A Baby. They view a variety of possible actors none of which are likely candidates. Eric calls and he tried to pretend to be Kevin and the crew found out he's not and they are out to get him. They throw him off the building where Alcmene was about to jump in surprise.

Paul panics and hugs Liz. She punches him out. Melissa brings in the smelling salts. Melissa is cutting Robs hair, She and Liz are planning to kill him and keep failing. Melissa suggests young Hercules, clips from Young Hercules. Beth says that will mean recasting the entire show and they can't even find one good actor. B.S. comes back and the board of directors said if they don't come up with something by 5 o'clock, the show is canceled.

Rob suggests that they do the show as a cartoon, cilps from the movie. Liz says they still need Kevin's voice. No Kevin, no voice.

Alex suggests Chimpules. The Board of Directors is on the phone and they'd like an answer. The staff has a free-for-all. Then, everyone freezes and Ares and Strife appear and congratulate themselves on a job well done. They caused the earthquake so his brother will have to save all these people in the city trapped by the quake which will result in the cancellation of the show about his brother which will then allow Ares to watch Millennium in peace.

Kevin walks in and says he doesn't think so. Ares asks him what he thinks he's doing, pretending to be this mortal Kevin Sorbo and evidently Zeus doesn't think much of actors. Kevin/Hercules replies that the world isn't ready for the truth yet. Ares says it isn't over and Kevin tells him to have, "your people call my people and we'll do lunch." They vanish and he breaks the spell and tells them all that he got caught in traffic. A news report tells of a mystery man who performed miraculous rescues all over the city leaving the devastating earthquake with no fatalities.

Disclaimer: any resemblance between the Hercules cast and the Renaissance staff is purely intentional.

Porkules

#V0322 (March 15, 1998)

Guest Stars: Kevin Smith, Meighan Desmond, Bruce Campbell,
Writer: Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman
Director: Christopher Graves

Ares is still depressed about losing Strife. Discord arrives and tells him she has a plan to rid the world of Hercules Discord wants to be Ares' new second in command. So, Ares decided to let her impress him.

Hercules and Iolaus are on their way to celebrate Alcmene and Jason's second wedding anniversary when Hermes flies up and tells Hercules that someone has stolen Artemis' bow and that she wants him to get it back. Hercules figures that Autolycus has stolen it. Hermes is off to watch the mud wrestling.

Hercules and Iolaus catch up to Autolycus as he is attempting to steal a bag of gold from some soldiers. Autolycus admits that he stole the bow and that he sold it but doesn't want to say to whom. Discord has the bow and shoots Hercules in the tush with a magic arrow that transforms him into a pig.

Iolaus blames Autolycus and gets him to describe the purchaser who he recognizes as Discord. Iolaus sets out with the pig following to find a solution. Autolycus follows after seeing that the real guards are returning.

Ares loves it, but they still can't kill Hercules, Discord indicates that she has arranged for this as well.

Iolaus is on the way to Ares' temple to get back the bow. Autolycus is not thrilled with the plan and points out that Hercules would not want them sticking their necks out for him. Iolaus shoves him up against a tree and informs him that that is exactly why they are going to do it because Hercules would do it for them. Hercules is off wallowing in a nearby mud puddle.

Discord visits a hunter that she has had an affair with, Kolchis, and asks him to kill the pig.

Iolaus and Autolycus are arguing in a village market when Kolchis shows up and demands the pig. Hercules sees the big dogs he has with him and bolts, leaving Iolaus and Autolycus to fight off Kolchis' men. The dogs chase the unusually strong pig who eventually scares them off. Iolaus and Autolycus take their chance and run for it. Hercules is picked up by a grimy looking butcher who plans on having him for dinner. He puts Hercules in a cage and drives off. Iolaus and Autolycus fight some more with Kolchis' men.

Hercules has a conversation with a female pig in the cage named Catherine. (Pig voices provided by Kevin Sorbo and Alexandra Tydings) Hercules can't show her his real strength cause he's having trouble adjusting to his new body.

Iolaus and Autolycus run after the wagon. They reach a crossroads where there are a dozen tracks. Iolaus decides that they need to get ahold of Hermes' sandals and then they can find Hercules and return the sandals after. Iolaus runs off to find Hermes.

Hercules finds out that Catherine ran away and he thinks that her family would be worried about her.

Discord is upset with Kolchis and informs him that if there is no pork, there is no party. Ares wants to kill Kolchis if he doesn't succeed this time but Discord tells him that she will handle it. Ares accuses her of actually liking the guy and she accuses him of being jealous.

Iolaus and Autolycus run to Athens where Hermes is watching the mud wrestling at the Paladium. They show up wearing pink bathrobes and Iolaus has a fake beard tied around his face. They proceed to massage him with their skin care products and then put a mudpack on his face and cucumber slices on his eyes. Iolaus takes off the sandals and they make a hasty exit.

Hercules promises that he won't let anything happen to Catherine and tells the other animals at the slaughter house that the man who brought them here is a butcher.

Autolycus puts on the sandals while Iolaus informs him that he used to be a thief and that Autolycus is nothing special. Autolycus has trouble controlling the sandals.

The butcher comes out that takes Hercules inside. The butcher puts the pig in a chopping block and sharpens the blade. As he is about to strike, Autolycus falls through the roof, knocking down the butcher and sending the blade into the air. Hercules kicks the flying blade back into the air and it opens the block. He then runs outside and frees Catherine and the other animals. Iolaus almost admits that he's beginning to like Autolycus.

They all meet under a tree and the parrot translates for Hercules. Iolaus says they need to go somewhere safe. Hercules suggests that they go to Alcmene's. Iolaus invites the bird along to translate.

Alcmene is working in her flower garden and comments to Jason that she is getting worried about how late Hercules is. Iolaus, Autolycus, 2 pigs and a bird walk up. Iolaus tells her that the pig, dressed like Hercules is Hercules. She thinks this is one of his practical jokes. Iolaus says it isn't and Alcmene faints.

Kolchis is still tracking the group.

Alcmene comes to and tells Hercules that it doesn't matter, she still loves him. The bird explains that he rescued them from the butcher and introduces her to Catherine. Alcmene thinks she's cute.

Kolchis arrives outside and yells in that if they don't give him the pig he'll huff and he'll puff and he'll burn their house down. (They just couldn't resist, could they? They had to say it.)

Catherine runs out and is captured in Hercules' place but Iolaus says if he knows his friend, they are about to embark on a rescue mission. Autolycus almost admits that he's beginning to like Iolaus. The bird translates the plan.

Kolchis brings the wrong pig to Ares Temple and Discord informs him that this pig is a girl. Ares arrives and tells her that her toy boy has embarrassed them long enough and he burns the guy up.

Alcmene approaches Kolchis' guards outside Ares' temple with a frying pan hid behind her back. Iolaus and Jason take out two of them with similar frying pans and Alcmene whacks the third and stays to watch them.

Iolaus and Jason run inside. Discord is upset, she wasn't done with Kolchis yet. Autolycus floats in on Hermes' sandals and grabs the bow which he drops and they see him. Autolycus gets blasted out of the sky just as Jason and Iolaus run in. Ares tries to blast them but they jump out of the way. Hercules trips Ares. the bird grabs the bow just as Discord is about to shoot Autolycus. The bird takes the bow to Iolaus who shoots Discord, turning her into a chicken. Ares is about to throw another bolt when Iolaus aims at him and tells him that unless he wants to be god of gophers he'd better act like a tornado and blow. Ares leaves telling Iolaus he's on his list.

Hercules frees Catherine. She admits that she made a mistake running away and asks Hercules to take her home. She also wants him to hold her when he's back in his normal body like his mother held him.

Iolaus shoots Hercules and restores him to his normal self. Iolaus and Autolycus agree that they don't really hate each other anymore and almost shake on it. Hercules says he's glad to see them getting along so well and that he wants them to return Hermes sandals while he takes Artemis' bow and drops it off on his way to take a friend home like he promised. He tells Alcmene that he'll write and walks off.

Disclaimer: Hermes's wings were clipped during the production of this motion picture.

One Fowl Day

#V0314 (March 22, 1998)

Guest Stars: Alexandra Tydings, Bruce Campbell, Kevin Smith
Written By: Adam Armus and Nora Kay Foster
Directed By: Michael Hurst

Hercules discovers that he can still understand Katherine. She says that there was more to her running away than she told him.

Ares isn't ready to arrange the return of Discord's body yet. He thinks there are interesting possibilities and is upset that Iolaus might think he got away with something by turning Discord into a chicken. Ares is going to let Discord stay a chicken and think about how she screwed up the perfect plan to get rid of Hercules.

Iolaus and Autolycus are talking down the path after returning Hermes' sandals. They are still arguing. Ares appears in front of them and asks if they recognize the chicken he's holding. Iolaus makes a smart crack about original recipe or barbecue sauce. Ares tells him to laugh now because by the end of this day they'll be begging for mercy and to get ready for the worse day of their miserable lives.

Ares handcuffs them together. Discord doesn't think that's enough. Ares agrees and zaps their clothes, leaving them handcuffed and naked in the middle of the path.

Iolaus and Autolycus find some leafy branches to wear. Their handcuffs were forged by Hephaestus but Iolaus figures that Hercules can get them out so they decide to head toward Katherine's home and meet Hercules there.

Katherine tells Hercules she wants him to help her become human.

Iolaus and Autolycus steal some sacks off a farmer's wagon to wear. The two are still arguing and end up rolling down a hill and into a mud puddle.

Now they are handcuffed, wearing burlap sacks, covered in mud and lost. They can't find their way out of the forest. They decide to ask a little girl. But Ares has fixed it so that no one can understand a word that they say. Every time they speak to anyone but each other it comes out gibberish. The little girl screams and runs away from the two obvious mad men.

She runs back to the village and tells them all about the monster. The villagers decide to "get it".

Hercules tries to talk Katherine out of wanting to be human. Aphrodite appears. She's here to collect the bow for Artemis. Hercules hands it over. Aphrodite asks if there's anything that she can do to repay him for retrieving the bow. Hercules says no but the pig says yes. Aphrodite turns Katherine into a human (also played by Alexandra Tydings).

Hercules and Katherine arrive in a village and she promptly jumps into a mud puddle and starts removing her clothes and wallowing.

Iolaus and Autolycus are still lost only now they are in a swamp and Autolycus says they are being eaten by bugs. The villagers are still hunting for them. They run out to "talk" to the villagers. Ares is having a ball watching all this on his "TV" back at the temple, still holding his chicken. Autolycus figures out that they can't understand a word they are saying. The villagers yell, get the monsters and start chasing them.

They realize that they look pretty bad and find some reasonably clean water and wash off a little mud. Autolycus eats a berry. Iolaus warns him that it's a goosenberry and has to be fermented before you can eat it. Autolycus informs him that it's a different kind of berry and if it was a goosenberry he's be fast asleep by then, which he is in a few seconds. Now Iolaus has to carry him across a rickety bridge and wishes he had dome boots. So Ares gives him giant boots and the feet to fill them. Autolycus, too. Then Ares zaps them with big teeth. Then, he makes the bridge disappear and they fall in the river.

Hercules takes Katherine out to dinner. Katherine is wearing Herc's shirt. Hercules tries to give her some lessons in manners. She sticks her head in the bowl and eats like a pig. The others in the restaurant are disgusted. The maitre-di tells Hercules this won't do, so Hercules eats like a pig too.

Iolaus and Autolycus agree that it can't get worse. They are promptly get captured by the villagers. Instead of killing the monster the villagers sell them to P.T. Barnabas' freak show. So they decide that it's better to go with the carney than stay with the villagers. So they act like a big-footed, two headed, forest monster.

Iolaus and Autolycus find themselves in a cage in one of the wagons. Autolycus offers to pick the lock with his lock pick. Iolaus points out that they are naked under these sacks and where's he been keeping the pick? Autolycus says, don't ask.

P.T. Barnabas gives Katherine a flyer about the circus. Katherine runs into Sadie, the horse from her farm. Sadie tells her how sad and worried her parents are and how the farm's just not been the same without her.

Hercules visits the Circus and is attracted by the monsters in the cage. Hercules recognizes them. Autolycus opens the door. Hercules is having a real hard time not laughing. Hercules breaks the chains. Their clothes return and they are miraculously clean again.

Hercules goes to see a goddess about a pig. Iolaus and Autolycus agree not to speak about this to anyone.

Autolycus head out on his own and is scared by something.

Katherine realizes that she's never going to fit into in this world and asks Hercules to take her home.

Autolycus runs up to Iolaus and tells him there's a monster. They play charades. Iolaus tells him if this is the big surprise at the end of the day from Ares, there's no running from it. They just have to suck it up and face it. The circus people follow them.

Iolaus examines the tracks. The ground begins to shake and a giant chicken appears. (Yes, it's Discord. Yes there is a chicken crossing the road joke here but I'm not repeating it.) They all run from the chicken. Discord chases Iolaus. Everybody runs into the tent. Iolaus and Autolycus try and get everybody out of the tent. discord ends up tearing up the tent. Autolycus rescues a woman's baby while Iolaus comes up with a plan. He takes a basket of goosenberries and puts it on the teeter totter and then runs to get Discord in position. Autolycus jumps on the other end and catapults the basket into the chicken's face. The chicken falls asleep after splattering Iolaus and Autolycus with goosenberries. Ares arrives to pick her up. He hasn't laughed so hard since the Myceanean army drank rancid water and got the runs. He looks at Discord and says, "Let's go my little chick-a-dee." and pops out.

Iolaus and Autolycus start yawning and sit down back to back on the ground. Autolycus admits that Iolaus isn't a half bad partner. Iolaus thanks him and says he already has a partner. They both fall asleep.

Hercules takes Katherine home. When she's ready he calls Aphrodite who turns her back into a pig. Hercules quietly heads back to the road.

Disclaimer: No giant poultry was tripped, plucked, barbecued, deep-fried or otherwise assaulted during the production of this motion picture. Katherine's owners are arduous vegetarians. (not sure about the word before vegetarians.)

My Fair Cupcake

V#0324 (April 12, 1998)

Guest Stars: Lacey Kohl, Mark Raffety, Bruce Campbell
Written By: Gene O'Neill and Noreen Tobin
Directed By: Rick Jacobson

A group of men traveling with a wagon find a chained up trunk on the road. There is a voice coming from it saying that he can't breath. then open it to find nothing. Autolycus swings in from the side and fights his way to the wagon. He goes through the stuff and finds nothing much but an invitation to a royal ball in Antioch.

Autolycus goes to the inn where Cupcake in performing and springs on her a plan to make her a princess and take her to the ball where she can try and land the Prince of Antioch who can't become King unless he finds a Queen. She can also keep the Prince busy while Autolycus steals the Prince's famous sapphire.

King Jorgus asks Hercules and Iolaus to help him. The Prince of Antioch has been burning villages in his kingdom and he fears a war because he will not allow his kingdom to be overran. He feels that the Prince is mean and cruel and not like his father King Stephen at all. Hercules agrees to try and stop the war but he won't start one. The King is planning on going to war and starting it in a little village, Perthias, that is half in Carpathia and half in Antioch. The King agrees to give Hercules 2 days.

Cupcake is not thrilled with the idea. She's also been trying to get an education. She can't act like a Princess, they have tutors and know things. He tells her that she doesn't have to be intelligent just act it.

Hercules and Iolaus arrive in Perthias just as a mob from the Antioch side stop the Carpathians from taking water from their well and burn the bakery on the Carpathian side of the street. A fight breaks out. Hercules puts out the fire while Iolaus effectively wields a couple of frying pans. They get the fight stopped.

Meanwhile, Autolycus tries to teach Cupcake how to be a refined princess.

Hercules convinces the villagers that this was all started by an agitator sent to stir things up. They agree to let Hercules try and get to the bottom of it. Hercules sends Iolaus on to Antioch to keep the Prince under control while he finds the man responsible for the mischief in Perthias and brings him and King Jorgus to Antioch to work this all out.

Autolycus tells Cupcake that she can be herself, just as soon as she's married. She says she won't marry a man she doesn't love. Autolycus tells her that she should give the prince a chance. He's possibly better looking than Autolycus. Cupcake doesn't care, she has to follow her heart.

Autolycus and Cupcake travel in a fancy coach. Cupcake is still reading her scrolls so that she can converse intelligently with royalty. autolycus thinks this is a waste of time. She should just bat her baby blues at him and say nothing at all. She is not happy about that suggestion and tells him she's not going. He persuades her otherwise when she finally gets the vocal drill right. (Greek equivalent of The Rain in Spain, "An angry Ares often errs irrevocably eradicating the erstwhile enemy.")

Iolaus arrives at the castle just seconds after the Prince is informed that King Jorgus has started a war. The Prince informs Iolaus that if Hercules brings King Jorgus to Antioch, he will bring him to his execution. Just then, Autolycus and Cupcake arrive, she is announced as Hermia of Carpathia. They order her arrested.

Iolaus is not thrilled to see Autolycus but uses it to his advantage. He convinces the Prince that King Jorgus would never have sent Autolycus with his daughter unless his intentions were peaceful. She was sent to play the part of the olive branch. The Prince agrees to wait for Hercules and welcomes "Hermia".

Iolaus confronts Autolycus about him being here to steal the sapphire. Unfortunately now that Iolaus has covered for them he's stuck with the situation for the moment. Iolaus informs him that his only reward will be to disappear when this is over without the jewel.

Hercules catches the kid who's trying to start the war. The kid informs him that he was sent by King Jorgus to instigate it.

Iolaus goes to talk to Cupcake and realizes that she doesn't know that Autolycus is a thief. He tells her that she is being used so that Autolycus can steal the jewel. She doesn't believe him. Iolaus takes her down to where the sapphire is to prove that he's already stolen it, only it's still there.

The ball begins. "Hermia" arrives and stuns the Prince with her intelligence and how she's different from the other women.

Iolaus overhears one of the other princesses mention that she knew Hermia from a poster of a group of showgirls. She remembers her name while the Prince is dancing with her. She goes up and gets the band to play one of her showgirl songs. So, cupcake obliges with a song, jiggling included. the Prince is a little shocked but applauds first and loves it. the rival Princess tries to tell him but her dress rips.

Autolycus is upset that he may actually lose Cupcake. Iolaus doesn't understand why Autolycus didn't go for the sapphire. Then, he realizes that Autolycus is in love with Cupcake. Iolaus tells him that if he wants to keep her Autolycus is going to have to come clean about his past and get a legitimate job.

Hercules takes the kid to King Jorgus and he identifies Jorgus as the man who hired him. Only they had replaced the king with another man to see if the kid was lying and his was.

The Prince's chief advisor is actually the man behind it all and he wants the Prince to die in battle.

Cupcake comes to see Autolycus and she's thrilled about meeting the Prince. She plans to tell Prince Alexandros the truth. Autolycus tells her the truth about his being the King of Thieves. She tells him that the only reason she did this was to spend time with Autolycus. The Prince summons her and she has to go. Autolycus leans out the window and sees a bunch of soldiers sneaking in the castle.

Cupcake meets the Prince who tells her that he's become a different man since he met her and kisses her before she can tell him who she really is.

Autolycus finds Iolaus and warns him that there's going to be a fight just as the soldiers burst in. Iolaus and Autolycus take them on.

The soldiers arrive at the door and demand it be opened in the name of Carpathia. The Prince accuses Cupcake of betraying him. She tells him she couldn't. The Prince's advisor arrives and tells the soldiers to kill them both. Autolycus arrives and throws the Prince a sword. Iolaus chases the last of the soldiers into the room for more fighting. Autolycus tries to save him but the Prince is wounded. Hercules arrives, joins in the fighting then leaves it to Iolaus while he chases after the advisor. The Prince was only grazed.

King Jorgus arrives to tell Alexandros that he was not a part of this plot against him. He also says that Hermia is not his daughter. Cupcake admits that she's nobody and doesn't belong here and runs from the room in tears. Autolycus offers an explanation saying that it is all his fault.

The Prince goes after Cupcake and stops her. The Prince says that he loves her just as she is and asks her to marry him.

She goes to see Autolycus. He offers his congratulations and tells her he can understand how the Prince would want her. He saw her beauty and intelligence at the ball. Autolycus saw it, too. She tells him that the person for him is out there. He wishes her all the best. She says she truly thought that Autolycus would be the one for him. After she leaves he tells her that her loves her.

Hercules and Iolaus see Autolycus off. Iolaus asks him if he's going to be OK. Autolycus says he will eventually. He has one shining memory left. After he goes Hercules and Iolaus realize what he was talking about and run to the vault to find the sapphire gone. Iolaus talks Hercules into letting Autolycus keep it for awhile since things have gone so badly for him. They let him keep it about a minute.

Disclaimer: No Bakeries were harmed during the production of this motion picture, although many pastries were burned to a crisp.

War Wounds


V0308 (April 19, 1998)

Guest Star: Kevin Smith, Gina Torres, Peter McCauley,
Written by: Paul Robert Coyle
Directed by: John Mahaffie

Hercules and Iolaus are on their way to Corinth. Iolaus is trying to hurry Hercules up so that they don't miss the ferry. Hercules informs him that they are not taking the ferry, they are traveling with Nebula and the two of them can pick things up where they left off. They are looking forward to seeing, Ajax, an old friend from many battles. They find a wounded man on the beach. He was beat up by 4 bandits. Hercules takes him back to a nearby temple to Asclepius and sends Iolaus on to Corinth to meet Ajax who is expecting them.

Nebula and Iolaus arrive in Corinth. Iolaus explains that they are dedicating a statue to the soldiers who didn't come home. Nebula decides maybe she'll sign up a few of them as crew. Anyone who can survive a 10 year war in Troy should make a good sailor.

Some soldiers arrive to tell Ajax that they have no permit for the statue and they'll have to move on. The artist is arrested for asking why the King can't come and tell them himself. A fight breaks out when the solders try and clear the area. Iolaus and Nebula walk into the middle of it. Iolaus gets Ajax to call his men off. Iphicles arrives on horseback to inform Iolaus that his men were following his orders and that Hercules and Iolaus have been away too long to know what's really going on. He then, orders his men to report back to him and rides out.

The men are upset because Iphicles won't hear them and they fought and died for this land. Iolaus goes to see Iphicles and offers his condolences on the death of Rena. She died a few days ago while Iphicles was away dealing with returning soldiers who could not leave the fighting behind. Iolaus explains to him that they need to find a way to help them fit in and sending them out to the worst prison in Greece, the island, Galgoth, is no solution. Iphicles agrees to meet with Ajax.

At the meeting Iphicles confronts Ajax with a charge of treason for words taken out of context meant to give his veterans hope. Iphicles offers to let Ajax leave Corinth now but the men already on Golgoth stay there. Ajax grabs Iphicles and holds a knife to his throat. His men arrive and they take Iphicles.

Iolaus goes back to Nebula's ship to tell her what's happened only to find her taking a shower (naked of course). He turns his back to her and tells her the tale. He has a hard time keeping his attention the other direction. He is afraid that Ajax will try and free the men on Golgoth. He wants her to help him rescue Iphicles. Nebula offers her help figuring there's a reward for that and asks for a towel. He hands it to her and she dries her hair, and parades past him still naked!

The prison warden Ganyon tells the new prisoners about their new home. He hates army men and when the artist says that he doesn't care they beat him and step on his hand.

Ajax takes Iphicles out to the island and gets the guards to lower their weapons or they will hurt their King. Ajax's men in the prison attack the guards.

Nebula tells Iolaus that the island is infested with sand sharks. Iolaus says they will have to take a lot of men aboard. Nebula agrees but Iolaus will owe her. He asks how long she's gonna put him in bondage for. She replies that they will negotiate that and "bondage gets a bad rap". Iolaus chuckles.

Ajax and his men move into the actual prison. Full scale fighting breaks out. they end up releasing a skinny sad bunch of prisoners. The artist dies in Ajax' arms and Ajax orders Ganyon killed. Iolaus tries to stop him. Ajax informs him that this is war. Iphicles is not happy with Ganyon, he didn't tell him to treat the prisoners like animals. They throw Ganyon over the side to where the sand sharks are. Iphicles makes a run for it and ends up getting thrown off the rope bridge with two of Ajax's men. He hurts his leg and Iolaus jumps in after him. Iolaus tells everyone to keep still.

At the last moment Iolaus throws Iphicles and himself aside and the shark misses them. Nebula cuts a rope off the bridge and throws it down to get them out. Hercules arrives and jumps in to cover them as they run to the rope. Ajax orders Iphicles locked up and killed if anyone tries anything. Ajax jumps in with Hercules and they kill one and make it to the ropes.

After they crawl out Hercules inform Ajax that a fight with his brother is a fight with him. Ajax agrees to let Hercules see Iphicles and then they'll talk about what happens next.

Iolaus tries to talk to Ajax. He assures him that there is a place for him somewhere and that he doesn't have to be a soldier anymore. Violence is not the answer.

Hercules puts a splint on Iphicles' leg and tells him this was not the answer. Iphicles admits that it is his job to help find a place for these men but it got personal when Rena died. Hercules tells him that her death wasn't their fault and that he still has time to make this right.

Ajax tells Hercules that he wants him to go back to Corinth and bring the treasury so he can give his men a fresh start then he will let Iphicles live. He doesn't believe in what he was fighting for anymore. Hercules leaves Iolaus with Iphicles and goes with Nebula. One of Ajax's men expresses concern that asking for a ransom makes them nothing more than common criminals. It sends the wrong message. Either way Ajax plans to kill Iphicles.

Hercules decides that he's not going to Corinth, he's going to find another way in. Nebula knows the way, she thinks that the son of Zeus owing her a favor is a good thing, that and she wants to see the look on Iolaus' face when she rescues him.

Ajax comes into the cell. His men grab Iolaus from the outside. Ajax threatens to kill Iphicles. Iphicles admits he did the wrong thing but if Ajax kills him then he'll be no better than the King he's accusing. Ajax offers Iphicles the same chance he gave those men to get off the island.

Ajax plans to throw Iphicles to the sand sharks. Iolaus offers to go in his place. Ajax says Iphicles must pay. Iolaus tells him that he's not the man he knew and respected and that some of his men feel the same way. He throws Iphicles in and Iolaus breaks free and jumps in after him.

Hercules and Nebula travel through a cavern. Iphicles and Iolaus try to reach the ropes. Hercules has to break through a wall that didn't use to be there. the sand sharks are coming. Ajax tries to stop Hercules from reaching his brother. They fight. Iolaus distracts a shark. Ajax' men think that's very brave and Iolaus earns their respect. Nebula stops one of Ajax' men from interfering with the fight. then she jumps in to help Iolaus. Hercules throws a pole and kills two of the sharks and provide a ramp to get Iphicles out on.

Ajax admits he went too far and that his enemy was himself. Another shark comes straight for them and Ajax jumps into it's path, saving Iphicles and Iolaus. Iphicles swears that this ends now and that he will make a place in his kingdom for these men.

Iphicles dedicates the statue to the fallen men and offers rugged land on Corinth's northern border to the men and they can provide a line of defense against the Parthians on the north. Nebula thinks she has found the makings of a first rate crew. Hercules says goodbye to his friend.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance between King Iphicles, Hercules' half-brother, and Ares, God of War, Hercules' other half-brother, is totally unavoidable.

Twilight


??? (April 26, 1998)

Guest stars: Liddy Holloway, Jeffrey Hunter, Roy Dotrice, Dean O'Gorman, Ian Bowen, Chris Conrad,
Written by: Gene O'Neill, Noreen Tobin, Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci
Directed by: Philip Sgriccia

Hercules and Iolaus run through the trees and the village and burst through the door. (and they are not out of breath, isn't that amazing?) Jason explains that Alcmene has been dizzy and last night had chest pains. Her mother died of a weak heart. Hercules runs out to see her in the garden. She is cutting some flowers.

She began that garden the day she heard her husband had been killed and she spent much time there when her son went off to war in Parthas, praying he would come home to her. He apologized for putting her through that. She says he did what he had to do, she just wishes that she could have protected him from what he saw.

Fade into the past and a young Alcmene tending a new garden. Hercules is helping her. Iolaus and Jason arrive. Jason explains that the Parthans have crossed the border into the neighboring kingdom and if they win Corinth could be next. So Jason and Iolaus are going to the front lines to help. Hercules goes along.

Adult Alcmene explains that a mother only wants to protect her child from all the pain in the world. Hercules thanks her for always giving him a place to call home.

Young Alcmene tries to stop her son from going off to war, but he has to go.

Jason, Hercules and Iolaus arrive at the neighboring king's camp. He has most of his troops protecting the border and a smaller group which they will all join inside enemy territory next to the king's fortress which they plan to take. Jason is made his second in command.

They also run into an old friend from the academy who gave up being a warrior for being a healer.

They enter enemy territory and find a trap, a pit with spikes tipped with hemlock. One of the king's men, Nikos, has fallen behind. Hercules goes back for him. He is worried about his wife. He doesn't want to make her a widow.

They are attacked by a group of enemy soldiers. Nikos gets his arm cut off before Hercules stops the guy. The king is killed and Hercules stops the guy from killing Jason who is in shock. The kings give Jason the battle. They grab their wounded friend and head back to join the battalion.

Adult Iolaus asks Jason if he's sent word to Iphicles. He has but Iphicles is at sea and won't get the message for several days. Alcmene and Hercules come inside. Alcmene wants to go to the market. Hercules asks Jason how he's holding up. He replied that he's tired of pretending that nothing is wrong and seeing her in pain. He is prepared for the worst. He learned the hard way that he has to be prepared.

The little band finds the battalion. It is a bloody scene of devastation. There is no one left alive. They sear the severed arm to stop the bleeding. Hercules discusses that it must be just as hard to lose someone you are trying to save as it would be to kill them in battle as a warrior. His friend agrees but explains that it is his job to see to it that no one dies alone.

Jason wants to continue with the mission. Iolaus wants to go back. They can't move Nikos, so they are stuck in the bunker. They take turns on watch. Jason has a terrible dream that they are attacked and all are killed. He wakes up screaming. He blames himself for the king's death, he was his second, he should have watched his back. Hercules tells him it was an ambush and it wasn't his fault.

They have to keep Nikos awake. Hercules asks him about his wife. Nikos tells him that the little things like sunsets and rain made her happy, he didn't think they were important. He tell s Hercules they are important and then he dies.

Hercules and Alcmene stop to rest on the way to the village. Hercules tells her that Jason told him about the attack she had the night before and that he knows she isn't well. He wants to take care of her. She tells him that even the best healer won't make a difference. She's dying. She wasn't sure until she saw Hercules' eyes that morning in the garden. He never could hide anything from her, his eyes always gave him away. He knows she's dying and she doesn't plan to waste it feeling sorry for herself. She isn't afraid, She wants to spend this beautiful day with her son.

The next morning there still appears to be no one near the battlefield. They hear someone moaning. Hercules goes to get him. Cal, the healer, follows him. The injured man is a Parthan. Cal starts to make a tourniquet for his leg so they can move him and he is hit with an arrow. Someone presumably the Parthans is lobbing fireballs and arrows at them. Hercules gets both men up and moving toward the bunker. Iolaus and Jason run out to help.

Cal has Hercules break off the arrow and assures him that he will be fine and sends him to help the Parthan. Jason doesn't want Hercules to help him because he is the enemy. Hercules gives the man his ration of the water and helps anyway. The Parthan isn't thrilled about it either but lets him help.

The Parthans know they are there but they don't know how many. Iolaus suggests Hercules ask Zeus for help. Hercules says he's never helped before and he fights his own battles.

Hercules and Alcmene arrive at the market. Hercules asks her if she resented Zeus for what he did to her. She admits that she was angry for awhile but that all ended the day he was born. If she had one wish, it would be that Hercules reconcile with his father. She loses her balance and he tells her that he is taking her home.

Cal asks Hercules for some water. Hercules asks if there is anything else he can do. Cal tells him to remember what he told him about not dying alone and that he's doing all that he can. They hear a fire barrage coming, grab the wounded and run out of the bunker just in time. They make a run for the trees, Cal decided to run the other way to draw their fire. He hands Hercules the healer's locket and tells him that it's his turn now. Hercules runs after him and is thrown to the grown by an explosion. He watches as Cal is hit again by an arrow and falls. While Jason, Iolaus and the Parthan make it to the tree line.

Hercules stares at the locket. Iolaus asks if he is OK. Jason and the Parthan begin arguing about the war. Hercules breaks them up and tells them that there is plenty of land between the two kingdoms and that dirt is not worth fighting for. Jason says it's not his decision to make. Hercules reminds Jason that he is a king and being a good king in not about winning wars but keeping the peace. Hercules reminds the Parthan that Jason risked his life to save him. Hercules asks the Parthan, Teresus if he could get them in to see his king. Teresus says he could be hung for treason and them executed. Hercules says that there are some risks you just have to take.

Alcmene asks for a moment alone with Jason. Hercules and Iolaus take a walk in the garden. Hercules feels so helpless and she's doing all the comforting. Iolaus isn't surprised and points out that he may be half god but his real strength comes from her. Hercules can't just stand by and do nothing. Iolaus tells him that he's seen him doing some impossible things but that this may be one battle he can't win.

Teresus gets them in the gates. They surrender to the enemy forces. Teresus tells his king that they saved his life and they are here of their own free will. He approaches the three men. Hercules tells him they have sacrificed too much to let it go on. Jason tells him that he has the authority to recall the dead king's forces. The king tells them to rise and continue. Hercules says that they can share the land with the Kalans and their brothers will not have died in vein. Jason says that Corinth has nothing to gain in the war but a new ally to gain in peace. The king orders a cease fire.

Hercules returns home to his mother. He is sorry people had to die. She tells him that because of what he did for every boy who didn't come home 100 will.

Alcmene tells Iolaus that she has known him since he was a boy and it has been a joy to watch him grow into the man he is. Iolaus replies that she has always made him feel like part of the family. He thanks her for that.

Alcmene tells Hercules to open the jewelry box. He takes out the locket, Cal had given to him. He is surprised that she kept it. Iolaus blinks back tears and turns away. She tells him that he deserved the locket and he always has. He tells her he loves her. She replies that he has made her life complete. she couldn't have asked for a greater gift and she has no regrets and she dies. Jason takes her hand, Iolaus puts his hand over his face in the doorway.

Hercules walks in the woods and pounds half a boulder with a single punch. Zeus appears and tells him he's sorry and that Alcmene was a beautiful woman. Hercules stands and that's the end.

This episode is in memory of David Keates.

Disclaimer: Caution: Navaline (?spelling?) Cannons are highly flammable and may be hazardous to your health. Keep away from children.

Top God


V0325 (May 3, 1998)

Guest Stars: Jeffrey Thomas, Roy Dotrice, Chris Conrad, Scott Michaelson, Ian Bohen
Teleplay by: Jerry Patrick Brown
Story By: Paul Robert Coyle
Directed By: Charles Siebert

Hercules and Zeus walk and talk about Alcmene. Hercules gets upset with him and walks off. Iolaus checks on Jason at the house. They are all having a hard time of it. Jason tells Iolaus that Alcmene loved him like a son and said so many times. Iolaus wonders if they should go find Hercules. He wishes he could help him through the hurt.

Hercules is picking flowers. Zeus approaches him again and tells him that he truly cared for Alcmene. Hercules tells him he could have told them he cared while she was alive. He says that it's time they acknowledge their relationship and he should take his rightful place by Zeus' side, ruling the gods of Olympus. He offers to make Hercules a full God. Hercules replies that they'd tried that before and it didn't work out. Zeus tells him he was younger then and made inexperienced mistakes.

Hercules remembers:

Young Hercules talking to Jason about his father and how he didn't really know him. He'd never even seen him. Hercules wants to know what's in store for him as the son of the king of the Gods and he just wants to meet his dad.

Hercules intercedes when some boys harass Araidne, Apollo's current girlfriend. Hercules gets her purse back for her. Jason and Hercules beat them up. Apollo arrives on a flying skateboard and chases them all off. He tells Hercules that Zeus and Hera talk about him all the time when they fight. Apollo gives Hercules a board and invites him to come meet the gang. Jason decides to stay in Corinth.

Apollo takes him back to his temple where there is a party going on. Mobius is there. He's been thrown out of Olympus again. They offer Hercules some Ambrosia. Apollo welcomes him to the club, he's all God now. Hercules goes to the bar to talk with Ariadne. He's feeling pretty good at the moment. He decides to show off a little and throws a fireball at a vase. She is impressed. Apollo is not. She's his girl. He tells Apollo he wants to meet Zeus. Apollo says later and takes him out for a boogie board drag race. The race ends up in a draw and they let both boards plow into the side of a cliff.

Adult Hercules is carving the grave marker. He tells Iolaus that this is the worse day of his life. Iolaus tells him they should get away. There are too many memories here. Hercules doesn't want to get away. He wants the memories. They are all he has left of her. He goes into the barn to sharpen his tools. Zeus reappears. He wants a decision. Hercules says that if he needs an answer now, it's no. Hercules confronts him about his family losses and where was Zeus when he could have stopped them. Zeus tells him to listen to himself. There is more to this than just Hercules. Zeus decides to give him a little more time.

Iolaus comes in and tells Hercules that Jason is back and does he want some dinner. Hercules tells him that Zeus wants him to go to Olympus and he makes a good argument for it. Iolaus tells him he thinks it's a really bad idea.

Young Hercules is telling Jason all about his new found powers and Jason is not impressed. He has a kingdom to run and raiders to deal with. He doesn't want Hercules solving his problems for him. Hercules tells him he's jealous and fades out. He reappears on a road and throws some rocks. Apollo comes to commiserate and they go off to have some fun. They invisibly play with Jason as he tries to address his troops. Hercules appears to him and apologizes for embarrassing him. Apollo tells him not to worry about it, he's a god now.

Zeus appears to Hercules as he is sitting under a tree and asks him what he thinks he's doing. He is disappointed in Hercules. He shouldn't have eaten the ambrosia. If he was meant to be a God, he'd have been born one. Hercules is sorry that they met under those circumstances, sorry for both of them.

Adult Hercules is sets the marker over the grave. Jason tells him that she would've loved it. The three walk through the garden and Iolaus tells him that he and Jason have been talking and They understand that their friendship is a part of whatever decision he makes and that he was being selfish before when he thought it was a bad idea. They think that he should go to Olympus. He can help more people if he's up there. Hercules agrees. Iolaus says maybe Zeus has changed. Hercules heart tells him this is the thing to do but his gut tells him it's wrong.

Young Hercules and Araidne walk through town. They talk about how Apollo treats her and how he likes to show off. Apollo appears and gives Araidne to Hercules, just dumps her. She runs off in tears. Apollo tells Hercules that she's only a human and means nothing. Hercules goes to find her. She explains that being with Apollo somehow made her special too. Hercules tells her that she didn't need Apollo to be special. Apollo menaces the local townsfolk. Hercules appears and takes his board away. Apollo is not thrilled and reminds Hercules who made him a God. Hercules replies that Apollo did that for himself not for Hercules. Apollo challenges him to a fight to see who's really top god and if Hercules wins, Apollo has to leave these towns people alone.

Zeus appears and Hercules asks him to take back his godhood. Zeus tells him he'd be no match for Apollo if he did. Hercules is willing to take that chance. Zeus does as asked and leaves.

Hercules finds Jason working out, sparing with his men. Hercules asks to play and explains that he's not a god anymore. He couldn't pay the dues in that club. They spar. Hercules apologizes for the other day. Jason accepts. Jason wants to see him settle with Apollo. They go to his temple.

Apollo has Ariadne poised over a large fan with a candle under the rope about to burn through. He wants to make their fight more interesting. Apollo invites him to go and get her down, then attacks him as he moves to do so. They fight swinging on the ceiling lamps. Hercules can hold his own against him. Apollo says he's bored and disappears just as the rope burns through. Hercules releases Araidne and catches her when she falls. They walk out together.

Zeus agrees with the adult Hercules that he learned a lot that day. Hercules learned not to be something he wasn't. Hercules asks Zeus if he was disappointed that he had turned his back on being a god and on him. Zeus tells him that he was never more proud. Hercules agrees to go to Olympus.

Hercules says his goodbyes. He shakes Jason's hand can calls him his friend. He hugs Iolaus and calls him his brother. Then, he takes Zeus' hand and they disappear together.

Disclaimer: No Boogie-Boarding, Bleached-Blond, Narcissistic Gods were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Reunion


V0326 (May 10, 1998)

Guest Stars: Roy Dotrice, Meg Foster, Kevin Smith, Scott Michaelson
Written By: Jerry Patrick Brown, Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Directed By: Charles Seibert

Iolaus meets Jason beside Alcmene's grave. He's ready to leave. Jason assures him that he'll be alright. He asks where Iolaus is heading. H has been thinking about his mother lately. He was such a troublemaker as a kid and left home at the first opportunity. She was remarried to a poet a couple of years ago. He compares himself to the prodigal son. They clasp wrists and Iolaus turns to leave. Jason tells him he know it wasn't an easy decision for Hercules to leave him.

Hercules and Zeus travel to Olympus. Hercules' shirt has turned white and his pants gold. Zeus welcomes him home. They enter a room with lots of screens where all the past is recorded. Hercules sees a screen where Iolaus was young (Dean O'Gorman) on the day they first met. He can see the past or the present here. Another screen shows Alcmene in the Elysian Fields. Zeus tells Hercules that not a day went by that he didn't look in on her. Zeus doesn't want to change Hercules. He's proud to have him as a son. Hercules leaves to be on his own awhile.

Iolaus arrives at his mother's home (must be in Corinth) and asks for Erythia, they hug. Pandion, her husband, shakes his hand. Iolaus apologizes for not being at their wedding. Pandion did not expect him. His mother tells him she knew he was busy. Iolaus says he missed her.

A man is drowning and Hercules pops in to help. he levitates the man out of the water by simply raising his arm.

Erythia asks Iolaus to tell them more about Hercules. Iolaus says he really wants to know more about them. Pandion is resentful of Iolaus' absence. Pandion thinks that Iolaus is feeling lost without his friend and that's why he's here. Erythia tells her husband that it's not his problem. He replies that it became his problem every night that she cried herself to sleep because she thought her son abandoned her. Iolaus looks as if he's been struck in the face.

Hera comes to visit Hercules to make him an offer. They each have their contempt for Zeus in common. Hercules says they have nothing in common. She says that she and Zeus used to love each other until his eye wandered. she doesn't want to fight with Hercules anymore. she despises Zeus and tell Hercules that Zeus brought him to Olympus for other reasons than altruism.

Hercules confronted Zeus about it and he admits that he brought Hercules to Olympus to protect his father from the other gods. Hercules wants to know why he didn't just ask for the help and walks away. They argue. Hercules blames Zeus for the greatest sorrows in his life and where was his protection then? He pops out. Zeus tells him if he walks out he shouldn't come back.

Hera visits Alcmene in the fields and she tells Alcmene she wants to be close friends.

Iolaus finds his mother at the river getting water. She won't let him help her. He knows he's hurt her and he doesn't want her to keep it inside. She always wanted him to make a life for himself in the world. She just thought that she'd be a bigger part of it. She couldn't understand why her husband would rather have been at war than with her. then, Iolaus left and she wondered if it was something she'd done. Iolaus says that he made all the mistakes. After he started stealing he couldn't come home because he was ashamed that he'd put her through all that. He wanted to be the man she desired he become. She tells him that she doesn't know him well enough to be proud of him.

Hercules talks to Alcmene's grave. He not sure that the reconciliation is going to work out. He misses her. Apollo arrives and picks a fight. He goes to the school in Corinth and locks the door.

Hera tells Zeus that his son has abandoned him and now he has no allies. She says he will give her his power. She understands that Zeus didn't bring Hercules to Olympus before because he didn't want to take him away from his mother. Hera took Alcmene's spirit from the Elysian Fields and if Zeus doesn't give Hera his power Alcmene will remain in torment forever. Zeus agree and gives Hera his power, leaving him a mortal.

Apollo sets fire the school. Hercules runs toward it. Iolaus runs up, Hercules sends him into the burning building to get everyone out while he fights with Apollo. They trade fireballs. Hercules stops a runaway wagon. Hercules reminds Apollo that he promised he would leave these people alone. Apollo explains that he's not bound by that and tells what Hera did. Zeus is a mortal now and Hercules could have stopped it but he was saving these puny mortals. Apollo figures that Hercules is next on Hera's hit list.

Zeus walks into a tavern and orders an ale. He propositions a woman and starts a brawl. Hera is unhappy about Zeus getting along so well as a mortal and sends Ares to kill him. Hercules arrives at the tavern in time to find a drunk Zeus about to pass out.

Pandion arrives at the burned school and asks the teacher what happened. the Man replies that Hercules and particularly Iolaus saved him and the students. Iolaus is helping work on the school and jumps off the building to talk to Pandion. Pandion apologizes for the preconceived ideas he had about Iolaus. He never considered that Iolaus does what he does for a good reason. Iolaus tells him that they both love his mother and they can both be friends. They shake on it.

Ares arrives and starts throwing lightning bolts. Hercules decides that they should finish this fight hand to hand. They each hold onto one end of a cloth and go at it. They do some major damage to the tavern before they take it outside. The building is about to fall down and Zeus is still inside. Hercules runs in and digs him out. Zeus is unconscious. He moves him under a tree and waits till he comes to. Zeus doesn't like pain. Hercules tells him that he's dying. Zeus points out that Hercules can heal him. Hercules thought about it but wanted Zeus to have a taste of mortality first. Then, he heals him.

Iolaus and his mother reconcile. She's proud of him. When he was lost and couldn't find his way she always had faith in him. He promises to come back to visit soon.

Hercules takes Zeus to Olympus. He punches Apollo. Hera attacks him. they fight and trash Zeus' throne room. Hercules tries to throw bolts at her but she stops them. She blasts him over the edge of the viewing platform. He punches her and she tries to get him to let go of the edge by stepping on his hand. He ends up throwing her over the side into the pit where Chronos is held captive.

Hercules wants to return to being mortal. Zeus tries to talk him out of it. Zeus says he stubborn. Hercules replies that he takes after his mother. He'll deal with the Gods on his own. He wants no special treatment. It's up to Zeus, if he's a part of Hercules' life from now on.

Iolaus is in the woods and hears something. He grabs a branch and swings it. He nearly clobbers Hercules who tells him that he's back. Iolaus asks what happened. Hercules replies that he's realized how much his family means to him and Iolaus is it. Hercules asks what's wrong when Iolaus turns and walks ahead to hide the tears in his eyes. Iolaus says he's just glad Hercules is back. He asks about Olympus and Hera. Hercules says that Hera is history.

Disclaimer: Zeus' godhood was not harmed during the production of this motion picture, although his short stint as a mortal was somewhat interesting.



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