The Princess Bard

by E.

Disclaimer(s): Hercules, Iolaus yadda yadda yadda are not mine, they belong to Universal studios or whoever. "The Princess Bride" belongs to William Goldman. I took bits and pieces from the movie, and mixed them with the two t.v. shows. Joxer, Ares, and Cortese were not harmed, but Herc's ego is a little bruised.

Our story begins on a farm in Potedia; where Gabby-cup, our heroine, now referrer ed to as Gabby and Wesolaus lived. Wesolaus was a farmboy, who worked on Gabby's parents' farm. Gabby always called him "farmboy". However, Wesolaus never mouthed back. He always replied, "As you wish." After a while, Gabby and Wesolaus discovered their love for each other.

Sadly though, the day came when Wesolaus had to leave. He left to seek his fortune at sea. Their parting was traumatic for Gabby, who had an uneasy feeling she might never see her true love again. They started to kiss passionately. A bolt of lightning, the Author had arrived, "Hey you two, this is a PG fan fic. Knock it off!". At the Author's insistence, Gabby and Wes finished their kiss. The Author, satisfied that there would be no more shenanigans, disappear red in a poof of smoke.

"Man, I hope she's not around when I greet Wes." Gabby sighed.

"Of course I will!" The Author's voice boomed from the heavens.

"Oh, for the love of Zeus" Gabby grumbled, "Can't she give me a break?"

"I heard that, Gabby."

Several moons later, Gabby received word that Wes' ship had been captured by the Dread Pirate Iphicles. He never took prisoners. She gave up all hope of Wes returning. The years, lonely and gloomy, passed by. Prince Ardink of Athens needed a bride. He, for some reason, chose Gabby. Gabby really couldn't care less. Her heart had stopped caring when she lost Wes. Neither Prozakium nor intensive psychotherapy were able to pull her out of her deep depression.

Gabby went out riding and was surrounded by three bandits. They captured her and rambled on about Ardink hiring them to start a war, with her dead body. It would be found in Sparta. Joxer, their leader, Herculig, the strong man, and Montoya, the sword fighter, set sail for Sparta. Suddenly, they realized they were being followed!!!!! They soon reached the base of a treacherous looking cliff. Herculig tossed them to the top and climbed up the face of the cliff. He looked down to see a rather short man dressed in purple, rapidly scaling the cliff.

Joxer left Herculig to ambush the Man in Purple when he reached the top. He was to meet them later in the meadow. Joxer continued leading the group. He left Montoya behind just in case.

When the Man in Purple reached the top, he found Herculig waiting for him.

"I (kevin sorbo pause) not let you pass. But catch your breath first."

"Thanks, I think" the Man in Purple responded, surprised. After a few minutes, the two men begin to fight. (author's note, Normally any one taking on Herc, would be toast, but it doesn't work that way in my story ;) ) The Man in Purple knocks Herculig out cold and continues on his way.

He then meets up with Montoya, who first asks (with spanish accent)

"Do you have six toes?"

"No, why do you ask" The Man in Purple queried.

"The man who killed my brother had six toes. When I find him I will say

'Hello, my name is Xena Montoya, you kill my brother, prepare to die!!!!'" Montoya responds.

"I see, so now I must fight you as well?" They fight, the Man in Purple wins, and heads on to Joxer's trail.

Joxer, sees the Man in Purple approaching, the only thing to come to his mind is "INCONCEIVABLE! How did you find us?"

"Old Hunters' trick" the Man in Purple grinned. Joxer starts to ramble and the Man in Purple suggests a duel of wits. He pulls out a vial of Arsenicum. He fills to wineskins, and adds the poison to one of them. He gives Joxer first choice and Joxer starts babbling about how he couldn't choose this one. He just wouldn't shut up. A flash of lightning, and the Author appears.

All the characters groan simultaneously.

"Nice to see all of you, too. Joxer if you don't pick a glass P.D.Q. I will reveal to all what Aphrodite did to you in "Strange Intimacy" (by Joan Lieb, funny story) Joxer's face turned three shades of red. He switched the cups when everyone's backs were turned. The men drank the wineskins. The Author disappeared. Joxer started laughing, and told the Man in Purple about the wineskin switch. He then started to (groan) sing "Joxer the Mighty, he's very tiiiii.ii.ii." His voice trailed off and he died. (simultaneous sigh of relief, sorry Joxer fans, but it was for the greater good.)

"How did you know which wineskin?" Gabby asked, amazed.

"I didn't, I'm immune to Arsenicum, I built it up at sea." The Man in Purple explained.

"I know who you are, you're the Feared Pirate Iphicles. . . " she suddenly slapped him, "You murdered my one true love, Wesolaus!!!!"

"Well, it's hard to be a murderer without killing people. I remember Wes, a brave man, who thought he had true love waiting for him. I'm glad he isn't around to see you marry this Prince Ardink." The Man in Purple sneered.

Gabby screamed incoherently, and loudly, pushing him down a steep hill.

His voice trailed back, "As. . .You. . .Wis.s.s.h"

"Wesolaus!" Gabby cried and rolled down after him.

They met up at the bottom, and began to get caught up. They walked through the fire swamp, and when they got out, Prince Ardink was there with all his men. Duke Cortese was in the front. The men dragged Gabby back to the castle.

Wes looked at Cortese and cordially remarked, "You have six toes."

Cortese kicked Wes and took him to Crazy Cally's Torture Cavern. Her devices were painful and she relished her job. She had a taste for blood.

Back at the palace, the wedding was in three days. The forest was cleared in an attempt to make Gabby feel safe. Just when she finally found happiness, it was cruelly snatched from her. Deep in the village, Xena Montoya was drunk, smashed, soused, what ever you want to call it. Her eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot (like mine after writing fanfic until 3 in the morning) She was just a mess when Herculig found her and cleaned her up. They decided to find the Man in Purple.

In Cally's Torture Cavern, Prince Ardink stormed in. He knew the Gabby would never really love him, especially with his sideburns. He cranked up Cally's most tortuous device, the RerunAlgamater, Wes screamed once, loud and anguished and died. Herculig and Xena heard his cry and found Cally outside, drinking out of a bottle. Herculig knocked her out, and they grabbed the body, and carried it off with them.

They took Wes to Mad Sal's healing hut. He eventually let them in, still bitter about his dismissal from Prince Ardink. When they explained their plan, Sal decided to help. His wife (like the old crone from Army of Darkness) just kept shrieking "Ardink, Ardink, Prince Ardink" over and over. Mad Sal gave them medication, a cloak. As they left, Sal's wife called out, "Have fun storming the castle!" Herculig and Xena grabbed a wheelbarrow and traveled toward the castle.

Herculig gave Wes the medicine, soon he was awake and talking. But he could hardly move. They made it to the gate and devised a quick plan of action. The guards were bored, then they saw Herculig standing, the cloak completely hid the wheelbarrow. He started chanting something about Ramnarock then his cloak caught on fire. The guards fled in terror.

Inside the castle, the wedding was about to start. King Jason escorted Gabby down the aisle. She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "After the wedding, I'm going to kill myself."

"That's nice, dear." Jason said fondly, not having a clue. Finally the wedding began as the priest said, "Mawwiage, Mawwiage is the Weason we are gathered here today."

The priest seemed very distracted by all the jewelry, eying it very closely. Prince Ardink got irritated, and stage whispered,"man and wife, just say man and wife!"

"Man and wife, you may kiss the bride!" The Priest proclaimed.

Gabby was led to her chambers, she pulled out a knife and was about to do herself in when, "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to waste those." A voice drifted from the bed.

"Wesolaus!" Gabby exclaimed, she moved to kiss him long and hard, but a flash of lightning outside made her stop.

Meanwhile, Cortese let Xena on a wild chase throughout the castle. She caught a glimpse of the "priest" meandering through the halls, picking up a piece of jewelry here and there

At last, Cortese ran out of room to run. "Hello, my name is Xena Montoya, you kill my brother, prepare to die!" (repeat 20-30 times, sorry my hands can't take that much) She fought Cortese and killed him, then went off to find Herculig and Wesolaus.

In Gabby's chamber, Prince Ardink burst in, Wes explained the theory of "to the pain" to him. Gabby tied Ardink up when Xena burst in. She plunged her sword into Ardink's heart.

"It was for the Greater Good!!!!! Have you seen Herculig?" Xena asked worriedly. They heard a sound, went to the window to investigate, and there was Herculig. He was holding the rein of two white horses and Argo. Everyone jumped out the window, Herculig caught them all, they rode away.

When the castle was a safe distance away, Wesolaus, and Gabby dismounted. A flash of lightning and (who else) the Author appeared. "Good Job! Okay, now you two can kiss". With a wave of her hand, the most beautiful sunset came up. Gabby and Wesolaus kissed passionately. Oh yeah, Autolycus left the castle with almost enough gold to retire (as if)

THE END!!!!!!!!

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