Hercules and Iolaus were walking down the road to Thrace discussing their last dealings with Salmoneus.
"Oh Herk, did he tell you about the unusual loan he made last week?" asked Iolaus with a silly grin.
"No, but I'm sure you're about to tell me. Go ahead...," replied Hercules tentatively.
Well, it seems this frog walked into his money lending temple..." he started
"Don't you mean hopped?" asked Herk with a lopsided grin.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, So, this frog hopped into his money lending temple, and went directly to one of the lending priestesses named Patty Whac. Anyway, he talks to Patty about making a loan for a few hundred dinars. 'That's a lot of money; do you have any collateral?' He pulled out this beautiful Grecian Urn.."
"A Grecian Urn?" interrupted Herk
"Yeah, a Grecian Urn," continued Iolaus.
"Oh, I don't know how much does a Grecian Earn?" chuckled Hercules.
"Um, Herk?"
"Yes, Iolaus?"
"I'm tryin' to tell a story here. Okay, so any way Patty says, ' this looks like just another knick knack.' Just then Salmoneus happens by, and he looks at the Urn. He recognized it as a valuable Urn from the Minoan era and walks over to the priestess and said, It's no knick knack, Patty Whac, give that frog a loan!" Iolaus doubled over laughing at his own joke.
Hercules just shook his head with a groan. "And you made fun of my Grecian Urn joke?" Suddenly, Hercules noticed a bear charging through the forest. He jerked Iolaus to his feet, and they both started running through the forest with the bear hot on their heels.
"Quick, Iolaus, up the tree," Hercules ordered.
Iolaus scrambled up the tree with Hercules right behind him. Unfortunately the bear was just behind Hercules. Herk noticed Iolaus tossing down his sword and carry pack. "Iolaus, what are you doing," he asked trying to avoid the bear claw swiping at him.
" I figure once the bear reaches that third branch, we jump down and make a run for it," Iolaus answered breathlessly.
"Outrun a bear? Are you nuts, Iolaus?"
"Oh, I don't have to outrun the bear; I just have to out run you."
A few miles down the road, Hercules catches up with Iolaus. "Man, I can't believe you just left me with that animal!"
"Well, I just figured you could..."
"Don't say it, Iolaus," warned Hercules.
"Grin and bear it!" Iolaus doubled over again at his horrible pun. Hercules dusted off his arms and chest as he waited for his friend to calm down.
"Are you quite finished now?" the demigod asked.
"Yeah, I just needed to take a little paws! PAWS! Get it?"
Hercules groaned and began walking again toward Thrace. Iolaus caught up with him and began to discuss other matters, trying very hard to remain serious. While talking about the business at hand in Thrace, Iolaus became distracted by a shiny gold lever on the side of the road. He raced over to it and reached out to pull it out of curiosity. Hercules dashed over to his friend and picked him up and tossed him backward into the grass across the road.
"Hey! I'm sorry about the bear, already!" he grimaced as he slowly picked himself up.
"No, Iolaus, you don't understand. The ancient legend says that if anyone should pull,push or disturb this lever in any way, the world would come to a disastrous end instantly." Herk warned.
"Whoa! Are you certain that's the right lever?" gasped Iolaus.
"Of course, you see that little grass mound? That's the home of the seer snake, Nate. It's said that he can tell the future by running his forked tongue over a person's hand. The lever to end the world has always been across the road from his home, " Herk informed Iolaus.
"Hey! Do you think he'd tell my future? Hey, Nate, come on out and tell my fate? Did ya hear that one, Herk? I rhyme every time," Iolaus chuckled.
Nate stuck his head out of the grassy knoll that was his home and saw his friend Hercules with a strange character making up absurd rhymes. He slowly slithered to the road and began crossing the dusty trail. All of a sudden, a chariot came careening around the bend headed straight for the lever. Hercules and Iolaus shouted a warning to the driver and to Nate. The charioteer pulled away from the lever just in time, but he ran over Nate and went on his merry way. Hercules and Iolaus stood there for quite some time in shock. Hercules was the first to speak.
"Poor Nate; he never had a chance," he commented sadly.
Iolaus said, "Ewww! Oh well, better Nate than Lever."
They walked on trying to keep their minds off the tragedy when Iolaus picked up another conversation. "I know this might leave you a little flat," he started with a grin.
"What, Iolaus?" Herk said warily.
"What's the difference between a guy falling from the first floor window at the tavern and one falling from the top of the Acropolis?"
"I'm afraid to ask, but here goes....I don't know Iolaus what is the difference between a guy falling from the first floor window at the tavern and one falling from the top of the Acropolis?" he said rolling his eyes.
Iolaus started giggling, "The guy falling from the first goes, ' splat ,Aaaaaaaargh ' and the one from the top of the Acropolis goes, 'Aaaaaaargh , splat' Did ya get that one?" he asked.
"Smashing joke, Iolaus. Just smashing," Herk said with a grin.
"Oh no, Herk! That was baaaad. But not as bad as that!" he yelled pointing down the road.
Charging toward them was the same chariot. The charioteer drove with the same reckless abandon as before only now Hercules and Iolaus saw a giant strawberry the size of a small horse in the back of the chariot. They jumped out of the way just before meeting the same fate as Nate.
Grumbling, Iolaus mentioned, "Man! He almost killed us."
They got up and brushed themselves off when a farmer almost knocked them down again.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa....You almost plowed us under," gasped Iolaus with a grin.
Hercules rolled his eyes then turned his attention to the breathless man. "What's the problem, friend?"
"That thief said he was the tax man from the king! He said he came to evaluate the worth of my prize strawberry. When I went in the house to get my other ledger,he loaded my strawberry into his chariot and fled. I've been chasing him, but now it appears all is lost," the downcast farmer stated.
"Face it, friend. He came to seize your berry, not to appraise it," Iolaus said trying very hard to keep a straight face.
"Well, sir it appears there is nothing you can do about it now. Where is your home?" Hercules asked.
With a sigh, the farmer replied, "Thrace. Would you two like to accompany me back to my farm. I'm sure my daughter would love to fix you dinner."
"Ahem, you have a daughter?" asked Iolaus with a twinkle in his eye.
"Forget it, Iolaus....don't even go there," warned the demigod.
"What?"
"Never mind. Friend we will accompany you back to Thrace, but I'm afraid my friend and I have important business there. We won't be able to stay for dinner. We thank you for your invitation though," said Hercules diplomatically.
Suddenly, out of nowhere a terrifying group of barbarians known only as the Horde spilled out of the bush. Hercules, Iolaus, and even the farmer fought bravely. But they were terribly outnumbered and soon lost the battle. They sent the farmer away as a warning, but kept Iolaus and Hercules to sacrifice to their pagan god.
They were dragged to a ravine, tied together with a long piece of leather and left dangling over a large cliff. That evening, the Horde danced and chanted around the campfire and as each member passed the leather strap holding the unfortunate heroes, he gave it a whack with a stick, causing it to weaken a bit more. As the chanting grew louder and louder, Iolaus looked to Hercules and said, "Look, Herk! They're fraying our thong! Even in the face of destruction, I've still got it!" Iolaus laughed.
Will Herk and Iolaus survive the Horde? Summer's almost over; are they in for a big fall? What is the big business they need to tend to in Thrace?
Just as Hercules and Iolaus thought they had seen their last moonlight, a horrifying cry came from the center of the Horde. Bodies started flying right and left, and the duo held onto hope (which at the moment was stronger than the leather strap). Suddenly the leather thong snapped, but just as they were to plummet to their deaths, a whip snaked out and wrapped around the two pieces of leather. Herk and Iolaus groaned as they bumped into the side of the cliff but were very grateful to see thebeautiful face of their pirate friend, Nebula.
"Well, boys. Looks like I have a way of saving your...better side. Hummmm?"she said with a sneer.
"I, for one, am delighted you didn't leave us....behind," snickered Iolaus.
"Please, can you get him to stop that, Nebula? He's driving me crazy!" pleaded Hercules.
"I dunno, Hercules; I'm a little busy trying to bring up the rear to take the lead on that one."
"Oh no! Not you too?!" Herk groaned.
"Look, I figure now you boys owe me big time. So, how about a little help in finding my buried treasure? I dumped it somewhere around here in a swamp. You think you could assist me?" she asked with a feral grin.
"Sure!" volunteered Iolaus. "We were just on our way to Thrace because..."
"Iolaus!" yelled Hercules. "That's top secret!"
"Oh yeah, sure. Anyway, I'm sure we can spare some time to heave your chest...I mean get your booty...I, um, mean..." Iolaus was starting to blush beet red.
Nebula and Hercules dissolved into hysterical laughter at Iolaus's discomfort. He stood there looking at the two in disgust. "You know; it really wasn't THAT funny. We'll help you if you can get out of the dirt," Iolaus stated still slightly embarrassed.
They all walked through the swamp sweeping the bottom with their feet. They were up to their shins in the murky water when Hercules gave out a mighty yelp. The treasure chest would definitely leave a huge bruise just below his knee. Nebula squealed with joy and grasped Iolaus. She was hugging and kissing him in delight.
Hercules frowned and thought, "How does he do that? I find the chest, and he gets the reward."
Iolaus giggled into her mouth then pulled back to say, "I guess booty is only shin deep!"
Nebula took the chest with the rest of her men, but before she left, she made certain arrangements to meet Iolaus in Thrace later in the week. Iolaus and Hercules traveled on. Iolaus fairly bounced in to town while Hercules limped with a scowl.
"Well, we're here. I guess we'd better get it over with. No sense in putting off the inevitable," suggested Iolaus.
Hercules frowned even deeper as he shuffled up the street to the scholarly tailor's shop. The tailor took one look at the torn waffled pants and said "Euripides?" to which the demigod replied "Yes. Eumenides?"
The End
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